For a Weekend in the Hamptons

I was looking at the Drudge Report this morning, and I saw a photo from the new Batman movie, and I had to ask myself: have gays ruined Batman for everybody?

The photo shows Heath Ledger in his Joker suit, with makeup and a flamboyant hairdo, and behind him stands Batman, who appears to be a pencil-armed, out of shape guy of middling height. And what do they look like? A powerful superhero and an arch villain? No. They look like a couple of gay guys who work in cubicles during the week and dress up for raves on the weekend. What is Batman doing back there? Probably texting another gay guy who has a Riddler costume.

I think Hollywood predestined this when they dressed Burt Ward up like a cocktail waitress in the old TV show. In what was basically a short red silk dress and little green panties. And “Robin”? How is that a man’s name? I mean, sure, in England, maybe. But they tend to be a little ambiguous anyway. Would a professional wrestler call himself Robin?

Okay, bad choice of images. Wrestling is even more homoerotic than comic books. Hell, it’s worse than NFL football. And that is saying a lot.

Before gaydom became so popular, we were not as used to seeing men running around in costumes. Now every Marvel movie looks like footage from Fantasy Fest.

Maybe the problem is me. Sometimes I feel like I’m over movies. Sometimes instead of suspending disbelief, I see a bunch of spoiled rich people with drug habits and multiple STDs, playing make-believe. This is especially true of science fiction. Once you’ve seen video of Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford reacting emotionally to big blue things that will later be filled in with monsters and whatnot, it’s hard to take their agitation seriously in the final version. You think to yourself, “What idiots. How can a grown person do that for a living?” Acting seems exciting when you think of John Wayne as a guy who rode around on a horse shooting people, or when you think of Russell Crowe as a Roman general who fights tigers with his bare hands. It’s a little different when you think of actors as they really are. People who sit around in RVs taking drugs and watching DVDs while stagehands prepare for ten-second scenes.

I think Reed Richards may be the gayest superhero. He stretches himself out and wraps bad guys up. Think about this. When Reed Richards wraps sixty feet of himself around you, how much of that amount is crotch?

See what I mean?

Also, how come his clothes stretch along with him? Where can I buy an outfit like that? I could really use one when I’m working on new recipes.

Life is getting weird. These days if you want manly entertainment, you have to watch Rosie O’Donnell or the LPGA.