This is Why People Move to Tennessee

The Cone of Certain Death is narrowing, and I am sorry to say it’s narrowing around me.

Originally, Dorian was forecast to hit the coast to my east and then move toward me. Then the forecast path took a huge veer to the south, putting the center of the cone over Boca Raton, more or less. This was great news for me, because it gave the storm a long time to poop out over dry land before getting to me. Now they’ve decided it will still travel a long way over dry land, but they insist it will still have 75-mph maximum winds when it’s maybe 30 miles to my east. That’s just barely a hurricane, but it counts.

Wunderground.com is predicting maximum sustained winds of 40 to 60 mph here, for a few hours. I disagree, for reasons I will put forth below.

In prayer, I get very strong faith for no tropical-storm-force winds at either of my residential properties, but just in case, I have pulled out the big guns: Hillshire Farms smoked beef sausage.

I didn’t want to resort to this, but my hand was forced.

I have a lot of propane and butane, and I expect to have refrigeration no matter what happens. That means I’ll be able to grill. The truth is that I grill most hot meals now; I’m very spoiled by the lack of kitchen cleaning. I prefer the grill to the appliances. If I lose power and can’t rely on my electric stove and oven, I’ll go on with life as it is now, blasting everything with propane.

A couple of days ago, there was very little bottled water available around here. I just went to Publix (major grocery chain) and found pallets of purified water, so I got three cases. That brings me up to 5+, and I’m also going to fill a cooler with clean water on Tuesday night, if the forecast doesn’t look cheery.

They had the smoked sausages on sale for half price, so I snapped those up. It was probably a stupid thing to do, since grocery stores will be open next week no matter what, but it made me feel proactive and manly.

I’ve soured on hot dogs. They’re very small, and they don’t taste that great. Smoked sausages and brats are a lot better.

I got myself a wire for the generator, along with a plug and receptacle. The little 30-amp stuff sold out 15 minutes after Dorian was named, but I am a smart guy with a lot of stuff in his garage, so I didn’t need any of that. I can use one of my welder adapters to hook the generator up to a homemade 50-amp cord, and that will allow me to put the generator outside the workshop.

I’m not assembling the cord yet. I don’t think I’m going to need it, and I would like to return the parts to Lowe’s. I’m stuck with the wire, because they don’t accept wire returns. Maybe I’ll use it for something in the workshop. I still need to set up one more 20-amp socket.

I got myself 6 gallons of socialist ethanol gasoline. The station that sells real gas was out, of course, so I couldn’t buy it for my outdoor power tools. I could have gotten 11 gallons of toxic commie gas, but I didn’t want the hassle of trying to put it in my car’s tank after the storm misses us. I figure I can grab some more if things start to look bad.

While I was at Lowe’s, I met the realtor who sold my dad this house. He was buying romex, so I figured he was rigging up a generator. No, he is building a new workshop. His wife took over his existing shop. He talked about how great my property is and how he hadn’t seen anything else like it. He says the value is going up. I hope so.

He isn’t worried at all about the storm. He thinks Irma wiped out most of the loose trees, and like me, he lacks confidence in Dorian’s ability to stay strong after 200 miles of travel over land.

One nice thing about Dorian is that it’s very small. It may look big on satellite photos, but almost all of what you’re seeing is peripheral clouds that don’t amount to squat. The actual hurricane appears to be less than 10 miles wide. That means that if the eye is over 5 miles away, your winds are below 75 mph. Move out to 20 miles, and they’re much lower.

They say the storm will get bigger, but it’s not going to be a large storm. If it doubles in size, it will still only be 20 miles across, so you will have to be within maybe 25 miles of the eye to get whacked. This means most people in the dreaded cone aren’t going to have any problems at all.

If you watch the computer animations, you will see that Dorian isn’t expected to grow. Journalists say it is, but they always get it wrong. It may well be that the pack of weak, irrelevant clouds around it will grow in diameter, but that stuff is all horse manure. There is very little wind in it.

Journalists say the storm will grow. Guess where their information comes from? The same computer models I’m looking at, and those models say it’s going to stay small.

A storm under 20 miles across has to be pretty accurate to hit you with any real power.

Andrew was a murderous storm with winds not far below 200 mph, but it barely covered the lower half of Dade County. It was not big at all. People in Hollywood, a few miles north of the county line, just got a stiff breeze. Dorian is small and also much weaker than Andrew.

The GFS and ECMWF models are predicting something like 25 knots at my house. Even the places where it is expected to be strongest at this latitude are predicted to get 29 and 33 knots, tops.

Things are looking good. I believe God has told me my properties will be fine, and even if I’m wrong, this is a tiny, weak storm which is expected to miss me.

And I have smoked sausages.

If it quits raining, I will probably go out and confirm that my generator is working. That will be my 15 minutes of work for the day.

I see I forgot to write about my generator’s reanimation.

This generator had more than one problem, and that, coupled with my lack of knowledge, made it hard to diagnose. At first, it had a carb clogged by socialist gasoline full of environment-damaging ethanol. It also had gas in the crankcase. This was caused by the design of the machine, or, rather, by my failure to take heed of it. It has a fuel tank situated above the carb, and gravity is always pushing the gas down toward the engine. There is a valve that allows you to shut off the fuel supply, and if you don’t use it, gas can push past the carb’s float needle and into the crankcase.

I am used to modern engines that don’t flood their crankcases with oil, so I didn’t shut off the fuel petcock. Now I know better.

The original carb was also badly cast and machined, so it was hard to seal.

While I was working on the machine, and before I knew there was gas in the oil, I flooded everything by cranking the engine for long periods with a drill. That made the engine less likely to start.

On top of all this, I worked on the engine with the air filter removed. It would be torture to install and remove it 50 times during a repair job. Removing the air filter won’t keep the engine from starting, but I found out it will make it run lean so you can’t operate it with the choke off. If you do this for long periods, the excess fuel can thin the oil so much you get internal damage.

The first carb was a lemon and also full of ethanol crud. The second carb was probably fine until I worked on it. The third carb had no problems, but by the time I understood what was happening, there was gas and fuel in places where they were not supposed to be.

I finally got the engine running last night, and after it died a few times, I learned that I needed to put the air filter on it in order to make it run correctly. As far as I know, it’s fine now.

Using the drill to crank the engine was a stroke of genius. I plan to modify the generator so I can do this without removing the pull cord apparatus. I may just drill a hole in the apparatus cover, large enough to admit a socket and an extension, which would be attached to the drill.

Here is help for people with Honda-clone engines like mine.

1. Do not use ethanol gas.

2. If you use ethanol gas, use Biobor EB to treat it. Sta-bil does not really work.

3. Do not leave any gas in the generator if you’re going to let it sit for more than three weeks. Run it dry, but don’t stop there. Run a little pure Sea Foam through it, or take it apart and clean it with carb cleaner, including inside all the tiny fuel passages, or do whatever else you have to do to keep it clear. Running it dry, all by itself, will not necessarily prevent varnish from forming. I kid you not.

4. If your engine gets clogged, buy a Chinese carb on Ebay and replace it. They’re very cheap, and they’re generally exactly the same as OEM carbs.

5. If you have a gravity-feed generator, put a fuel filter in the fuel line. It’s very simple. It’s amazing that the manufacturers don’t do this.

6. If you have to work on the engine, remove the cover for the pull cord and crank the engine with a drill and socket.

7. If everything looks good, but the engine won’t start, pull the low-oil sensor wire. It’s on the side of the engine near the oil cap. These sensors screw up and give false readings.

8. If you leave your fuel valve open by mistake, check your oil. If it has gas in it, you need to change it before running the engine.

9. Your local car parts store won’t take oil with gas in it, so buy a galvanized bucket and use it to burn the oil outdoors. I didn’t tell you this.

10. Once you get the engine running, install the air filter before evaluating the speed and mixture and so on. The filter affects these things.

You now owe me more than you can ever repay. Good luck.