Save Toontown from Global Warming

I feel like tempting fate once again.

Here’s a quotation from Jeff Masters’s blog at Weather Underground:

Tropical Storm Bertha has maintained it’s strength overnight, but is having trouble with Sea Surface Temperatures (SSTs) of 25°C–one degree below the threshold of 26°C considered beneficial for tropical storms.

One overstuffed European degree–almost two REAL AMERICAN degrees–below the threshold! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Weren’t we supposed to have super-hot sea temperatures due to global warming? What’s up with that?

What happened to the worldwide environmental catastrophe we were all expecting? Did it get lost at the UPS hub? Maybe we should have asked for a tracking number.

Tropical Storm Bertha is getting old, and it still can’t break 50 miles per hour. And it’s headed north, toward colder waters. Pardon me if I chortle.

But there’s another, stronger storm building right behind it, right? NO. There is NOTHING going on.

If I understand what I have read correctly, even the greenies generally admit the world is getting colder. And of course, like all intensely religious people, they have an explanation. The world is getting colder…while it’s getting warmer. We’re having a momentary dip during an overall upward trend. And how do they know this? Okay, they haven’t come up with THAT explanation yet. But they will.

Hey, stop thinking about the dropping temperatures! Remember the drowning polar bears in An Inconvenient Truth! I mean, yes, they were computer-generated bears which did not actually exist, and real bears don’t drown, because they’re semi-aquatic mammals. But that doesn’t mean we can ignore the plight of CGI wildlife. If we don’t stop global warming, other imaginary animals will suffer, too. How about Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumley? They’re both from frozen polar regions! What’s going to happen to them if the world of fiction keeps heating up? They’ll have to climb into Phineas J. Whoopee’s freezer!

Potential Victims of Global Warming

I know what we need! We need to venture into C.S. Lewis’s closet and go get the Ice Queen, from Narnia! She froze Narnia, didn’t she? Can’t she do the same thing for us? Or we could just ask Hillary Clinton. She’s not busy. And she has already been referred to as “the White Witch.”

One thing is for sure. Whether global warming exists or not, we need to pass ridiculous laws and cripple the world’s economy, just to be on the safe side.

I’m not going to get hit by a hurricane this year. The fun we had a three years ago doesn’t change the basic odds. I may be wrong, and I might also be wrong if I bought a lottery ticket and predicted I would lose. But probability is heavily in my favor. Think I’m mistaken? Bet me a hundred dollars there will be hurricane-force winds in Coral Gables this year. If I had taken bets like that every year since my family moved to South Florida in 1969, I’d be a billionaire, in spite of two bad years.

The threat of global warming is a fantasy, and liberals are willing to drive working people into poverty in order to stave it off. The threat of Muslim terrorism is as real as dirt, and liberals tell us it’s an alarmist scam we ought to ignore. Maybe we need to make them a CGI world in which their wacky claims seem true. Then Phineas J. Whoopee could be President, and socialism would actually work.