Another Triumph From the World’s Worst Engineers

Today’s fun project: finding a new pool pump.

Here’s something everyone considering buying a pool should know: it’s a mistake. You’ll use it 25 times in the first year. The second year, you’ll use it twice. After that, you’ll hate it, and you’ll miss the nice, trouble-free grass you gave up in order to have it built.

Thinking your kids will love a pool slide? Wrong. Can’t have one. You will not be able to get home insurance. Diving board? Can’t have one. Anything fun will not be permitted. Tort lawyers have seen to it.

Without a diving board, a pool is just a hole full of water.

You may also have to build a ridiculous fence around your pool to keep the local brats out. Yes, even if they’re trespassing, their parents can sue you if they get hurt in your pool. Man, there is nothing more fun and aesthetically pleasing than a pool with a high aluminum fence five feet from the edge on all sides.

Pool hardware is garbage. I don’t care who makes it. The big names like Pentair and Hayward make stuff which is basically Harbor Freight quality.

You can pretty much expect a brand-name pool pump to puke its last in two to three years. The motor will die, because they’re cheap and they have open frames and crummy seals that let rain in. People in most industries have managed to figure out that you don’t put open-frame motors outdoors where it rains, but pool engineers are a special breed.

A motor will run you a minimum of $200. Assuming you get lucky and get two full years out of each new motor, you’ll be paying $100 per year or more in new-motor expenses, in addition to the cost of installation if you don’t feel like doing it yourself.

A pool pump will cost you at least $500 to replace, and if your state forces you to get a variable-speed pump (which probably won’t be cheaper to run no matter what they tell you at the pool store), you can expect to pay a minimum of $750.

I don’t know what pool service costs where you live, but I would be paying over $1200 per year here, and that’s cheap. It doesn’t include “special” expenses that occur from time to time. “This month we need to add stabilizer (because we only use cheap non-stabilized chlorine).” “This month you need a new skimmer basket (because they’re made of plastic comparable to that used in disposable forks).” “This month you need a new filter cartridge (because you weren’t smart enough to get a sand filter).”

I take care of my own pool, and I never, ever use it. I have been in it ONCE, and that was because the power was out due to a hurricane. I had to bathe in a bucket of pool water, and I needed to rinse the soap off. Sometimes I come in from doing landscaping or cutting trees, and I’m soaked in sweat and covered with things like sawdust and dirt, and I think, “Man, that pool looks good.” Then I come to my senses and take a shower instead. A tiny 35-foot pool with no diving board is just not worth the effort.

I do not see the appeal of tiny pools. You’re always standing right next to everyone. My parents had 40-foot pools. To me, that’s the minimum size for pool usefulness. If you can get from one side of the pool to the other in three seconds, you might as well go to Walmart and get one you can blow up. You always look like you’re standing up in the bathtub. You’re determined to enjoy yourself, even though you know the experience is lacking.

My parents had a pool built when I was in elementary school, and I enjoyed it, but I had a diving board plus a tree next to the pool, so there were things to jump off of. These days, swimming is a total waste of time. I can’t understand why kids love it so much. They scream and hit each other with things, and apparently, that’s a good time. When I was a kid, we did cool things like diving for stuff, using my dad’s scuba equipment, turning live lobsters loose, long jump contests, swimming with my enormous dog, and leaping from the avocado tree. The screaming and hitting didn’t even occur to us.

My pool has a screened enclosure. On three sides, there is about 5 feet of concrete between the pool and the screen. Barely room to pass someone else. You can forget about running up to the pool at top speed to see how far you can jump. The side near the house is bigger, but it’s not really big enough for a decent barbecue. Basically, it provides a place for adults, who are not having fun, to sit and yell, “DON’T DO THAT,” and, “FIVE MORE MINUTES.”

If your income is over, say, $500,000 per year, go ahead and get a pool if you really want to. You can afford the maintenance, and you can afford the insane cost of construction. If you’re a normal person, you will hate yourself every time you look at the pool, especially when relatives you don’t really like come to see you just so they can use it. Especially when you write a monthly check to the bank to pay off your pool loan!

Maybe you can tell I’m not happy today, or is it too subtle? I just ordered a new pump from Amazon, because my old pump is making a noise like a phaser on overload. It’s going to die in a few days, even though I installed the motor after I moved here.

A couple of weeks ago, I had to replace another motor, in a Miami home I’m trying to sell. It was installed in 2017.

The old motor here in Ocala died from age. The one I replaced it with died from design problems. The filter developed a strange issue which took a long time to diagnose and repair, and as a result, the pressure was high. A product not sold by scammers would have had no problem with 40 pounds of pressure, but a pool pump housing is another story. Scammers are the only people who manufacture them. My Pentair developed pressure cracks that had to be patched with epoxy. Little streams of water shot onto the new motor. Even though I managed to plug some and divert others, the water hastened the day the motor would croak.

The new pump will arrive in a few days, and I will have to go out in the very unpleasant July heat and install it. This will take at least two hours. Then, in two years, I’ll have to do it again.

The pump I ordered is a Hayward Super Pump. Hayward is a top name. Doesn’t help. I have had two other Hayward Super Pumps. They both died young. They’re just no good. The motors come from Mexico. Do I need to add anything? Name something Mexicans build well, apart from pinatas and tunnels.

Why did I buy a third one? Very simple. Hayward’s big competitor, Pentair, refuses to warranty pumps installed by amateurs. With Hayward, I’ll get an 18-month warranty. Amazon sold me a three-year warranty on top of that. Now I’m all set. For 4.5 years, I should be able to force someone else to pay for new Mexican motors. I figure I saved myself $350. Ole!

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t go near an extended warranty. Generally, you should never pay to insure anything you can afford to insure from your own funds. There are exceptions, however. Cell phones. Laptops. And pool pumps.

With Hayward and Amazon, I got a bad pump and a very good warranty. If I had gone with Pentair, I would have gotten no warranty and probably a worse pump. The Pentair I’m replacing is basically fiberglass-reinforced cheese.

My new portable grill just arrived. I think I’ll have a steak and not think of the pool.

Additional Links for People With the Temerity to Disagree With Me

5 Huge Reasons I Hate Swimming Pools

A Swimming Pool is a Terrible Investment

10 Reasons You Will Regret Buying a Home With a Swimming Pool

Even More

An industry source tells me single-speed 2-HP pumps will be illegal NATIONWIDE in 2021. How about that? If I can’t replace motors as they die, I’ll have to shell out at least 50% more per pump, and there will be NO energy savings.

More

This would be a dream come true.

How Much Does It Cost To Remove & Fill In A Swimming Pool?