New Cough; no Appetite

My dad seems to change every day.

Today I went to see him. He was seated for dinner. His food and drink were untouched. I thought maybe he had just arrived at the table. He told me he didn’t want to eat, so I rolled him out to the courtyard so we could talk.

He has been losing weight rapidly for four months, but he has also been eating normally. It’s hard to get solid information on his changes. I know that it’s normal for people who are nearing death to lose weight because they stop eating, but there is less corroboration out there for the notion that heart failure patients who are nearing the end lose weight while eating normally. His cardiologist seems to think it’s normal. She said she thought it was heart failure combined with his other problems, which she termed “co-morbidities.”

He was losing weight while eating normally. Now, at least at the moment, he is not eating normally.

He also had a cough, and it sounded like things were rattling around in his lungs, the way they would if he had chest congestion. He said he had a lump in his throat that wouldn’t go away, and he mentioned a burning feeling. Later on, he had a good cough and said the lump was gone. It’s hard to know what the truth is or whether he knows what it is.

I called the hospice, and they said they were sending someone. I don’t expect them to cure him, but they might be able to fix the cough or do other things to make him feel better. I’m sure they will call me when they look him over.

We listened to Derek Prince again today, but my dad didn’t remember the things that happened while we listened yesterday. He didn’t remember praying for salvation or saying he felt emptied. He didn’t remember giving up his reservations. I suppose that’s all right. He still said what he said and did what he did.

Today while we listened, he didn’t get as engrossed as he usually does. About 10 minutes before I expected to quit, he announced that he wanted to go to sleep. He never does that. I took him to his room and turned down the covers, and then I went home.

It made me a little nervous when he got agitated and prayed yesterday. I was concerned God might be getting him ready for his departure. Today I took care of a minor estate detail that needed to be handled, and I had the feeling that I was handling something that had to be gotten out of the way so my dad would be able to leave. The more wrapped-up his affairs get, the more imminent his death seems. It makes me reluctant to move into his bedroom and do other things that confirm the finality of his situation. Day before yesterday, I finally threw out a quart of half and half I bought before he left. I don’t use half and half, but I felt like having it in the fridge somehow kept him alive.

He may be having new heart failure symptoms. He may have pneumonia. If it’s something infectious, he could be gone by Sunday. I am never sure what’s happening.

He looked more frail than ever today. I think he’s still wasting.

I could not ask God for a smoother transition. His estate is in order. He has a burial plot and an urn. He keeps drawing closer to God. We have had a beautiful reconciliation. I don’t know what God could do to make things better.

I’ve answered the phone and learned that a close friend shot himself in the head. I’ve watched my grandfather die over three days after a sudden heart attack, intubated so he could not speak in order to get closure. My mother lost consciousness unexpectedly, and I didn’t get to say goodbye while she was awake. Until now, I didn’t now what death was supposed to be like. It can go smoothly, with joy and minimal suffering. It can bring peace and increased togetherness.

We almost always do it wrong.

At the age of 85, my great grandmother, a fanatical charismatic, told her kids she was going to die. She seemed fine. She got in bed, and she passed away. My grandfather wasn’t there. He said she had indigestion. He didn’t believe her. I think we really need to learn how to die. We are suffering a lot because of our ignorance.

I can’t predict what the weekend will bring, but my dad and I are prepared if the end comes, thanks to God. We have an amazing testimony now.