All Life Will Cease

June is really here. It has been rainy all week, and today the air is so thick you can cut warm, drippy, moldy, grey slices out of it with a cheese knife. It’s not all that hot outside, but it feels so nasty, you just wouldn’t want to be out there.

On the up side, what’s going on, RE hurricane season? NOTHING. That’s right. NOTHING. Read it and weep, greenies. Another year of Hog on Ice hurricane gloating is underway. OOH! OOH! GLOBAL WARMING KILLER STORMS ARE GOING TO GET US! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It’s not happening. And this is the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW.

We are three weeks into the season, and so far, all we’ve seen is a pathetic tropical storm which shouldn’t even have been named. Even William Gray has decided to bag it. He predicts seven hurricanes, which is pretty lame.

There are two problems with the “killer storms caused by global warming” theory. 1. The storms aren’t happening. 2. Global warming is a fantasy. It’s the first major scientific theory based solely on peer pressure.

I think I’ll promote an equally credible theory. KILLER EARTHQUAKES ARE CAUSED BY CRABBY ELVES. LOOK OUT FOR THE CRABBY ELVES. A consensus of scientists consulted about crabby elves has been formed. One hundred per cent of scientists questioned, i.e. me, believe in elfogenic killer earthquakes. IT’S A CONSENSUS, BABY. KISS THOSE SKYSCRAPERS GOODBYE.

Technically, I’m a scientist. So what I say must be true.