Police Name Al Jolson as Person of Interest

Who is surprised by this story? I’ve been expecting it for several days: Empire cast member “attackers” say he paid them to stage hate crime.

If you don’t know what happened, I’ll summarize. A gay black actor named Jussie Smollett called the cops and said he had been attacked by two white men yelling something about “MAGA.” He said they had placed a noose around his neck and thrown something which may have been bleach on him. When the cops showed up, he was still wearing the noose, because this is what you do when someone puts a repugnant, demeaning symbol around your neck.

He claimed he was attacked at 2 a.m. while buying a Subway sandwich on a night when the temperature was 20 below zero. Completely typical errand. Exactly the kind of weather that draws racists out for fresh air and mischief.

I read this story and knew immediately that there would be a follow-up revealing that the attack had been staged. Now two brothers from Nigeria have told police Smollett gave them money to put a noose on him and whitesplain gay slurs at him. You can see them in a photo, below.

Whitesplain…isn’t that a town in New York? In the name of Nathan Phillips, I demand that it be renamed Nativeamericansplain.

I assume posting the picture is fair use, since marveling at someone’s weirdness is legitimate journalistic practice. They totally look like they know what they’re doing.

“We are professional agitprop performance artists. Do not try this at home.”

Here is my tip for black SJW’s who want to slander white conservatives with false accusations: lay off the nooses. Real white racists don’t use nooses now. The noose preoccupation is a black thing. When you see a noose, you can pretty well count on the story turning out to be a hoax.

Real white racists don’t put nooses on people unless they intend to hang them, and hanging is long out of style. If they decide to target you, they will simply beat you up, run over you with their monster trucks, or shoot you. If you really want to frame Trump supporters, the best way is to shoot yourself with an AR-15 from 20 yards away while threatening to impose higher tariffs on Chinese goods.

Smollett makes me wonder if there is any need for white racists to exist. He and his black accomplices seem to be doing the work of white racists very well on their own. In fact, they shamed white racists by committing a hate crime white racists hadn’t even thought of yet.

Maybe white racists who read the story will feel unwanted, and they’ll be motivated to take up other hobbies.

Maybe Smollett could open a business committing hate crimes for pay. They could have a phone app, like Uber; in fact, it’s too bad that name is taken.

Say a white supremacist who is too lazy or afraid to drive to a black neighborhood wants to commit a hate crime. He could use the app to hire Smollett and his friends to do it for him, and he could even pay for it with Paypal. What a time saver. And it would be green, since it would save the racist the trouble of driving.

Green white hate crime by proxy. I can’t believe I published this idea without patenting it first. Someone else will be all over this, and I won’t get a dime. A coin which has a white man’s face on it, by the way. Down with white coin privilege.

George Washington had slaves, and he’s on the quarter. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, and he’s on the penny. Am I getting too woke for you honkies?

Oh, yes. I can say the H-word. I own my whiteness. I used to lease, but I decided to own so I could deduct the depreciation.

What point is there in behaving well when your enemies will accuse you of crimes anyway? Okay, I suppose the point is to avoid being an evil loser, but still. One of the fundamental principles of human interaction is that you have to reward people for good behavior, and a corollary is that you don’t punish them for bad things they haven’t done. Smollett isn’t fighting racist crime. He’s encouraging it by punishing an entire class of people who haven’t done anything to him. When you frame people, you reduce their motivation for refraining from doing the types of things of which you have accused them.

There was definitely a racist crime committed on the fateful night of the Subway noose. It was committed by Jussie Smollett and two Nigerians. Will leftists be angry at him? Probably not. They will probably continue to insist he’s telling the truth, because MAGA.

“We also do Milli Vanilli covers at bar mitzvahs.”

The whole affair is ridiculous, but it serves to remind Christians that persecution is increasing in America. “MAGA” is associated with white people, conservatism, and Christianity, in a loose and probably irrational way. Somewhere deep in his soul, Smollett probably felt he was striking a blow at the white Christian machine, which stirs rage within the leftist soul but doesn’t actually exist.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re guilty. We are approved targets because of who we are, not what we do.

I had a killer caption for this photo, but I forgot it.

Maybe Smollett’s friends are guilty of cultural appropriation. I’m not sure. If you pretend to be a white racist while black, is it a form of blackface? Also, is there a Rachel Dolezal joke in here which I’m too tired to discern? Hey…Rachel…”racial”…WOKE!

What if Smollett had paid Racial Dolezal to attack him, and the public fell for it, but he did it before she got exposed as a Caucasian? Would it have become a legitimate hate crime after the reveal? I’m not sure. And could she have been charged with blackface retroactively?

I know what we need. We need a white man who made a career of pretending to be black to answer the question. I assume Shaun King will pipe up. If not him, then maybe Pat Boone.

Or Bryant Gumbel.

Pat Boone

It’s late. This world is too crazy for me.