I Will Find You, and I Will Apologize to You

I have an important warning for everyone. When it becomes public knowledge that you have worn blackface in the past, and it will become public knowledge, because apparently everyone has done it…stay away from Liam Neeson.

What a crazy news week. The governor of Virginia, Democrat Ralph Northam, was accused of wearing blackface or a Klan hood in an ancient yearbook photo. His defense was remarkable: he said he wasn’t either of the men in the picture, but he did work up an act in which he applied shoe polish and impersonated Michael Jackson (a black man who worked in whiteface, and come to think of it, girlface). We also learned that one of his medical school nicknames was “Coonman.” This was also in the yearbook. I think calling yourself “Coonman” is considerably worse than moonwalking in black loafers, but no one has ever cared what I thought.

I can’t figure out what Northam’s defense theory is. It’s as if he were accused of stealing his neighbor’s silver, and he defended himself by saying it couldn’t have been him because he was busy shooting his neighbor’s cat.

Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax, a black man, got excited because it looked like he was in for a promotion. Then a woman from his past popped up and made a credible accusation of rape. His defense is that the woman doesn’t want him to become governor. I may be mischaracterizing that a bit, but that’s the impression I got.

To compound the scandal even further, the next person in line to become governor, Attorney General Mark Herring, says he, too, appeared in blackface. To make matters worse, I got this information from an article written by Fox reporter Alex Pappas, who, according to the latest Twitter buzz, likes to darken his face with Nutella and go shopping dressed as Diana Ross.

It’s possible that I made up that last part. I make things up, and George Soros doesn’t pay me a dime.

Is there anyone in America who hasn’t worn blackface? Can we all just get it out on the table and be done with it?

It’s notable that left-wing activists Shaun King and Rachel Dolezal never appeared in blackface. They have that going for them. They did, however, get jobs as professional black people simply by telling employers they were black. Evidently, they don’t check things like that. Both activists are white. I’m trying to figure out whether they got their jobs through white privilege, but it’s making my head hurt.

What’s next? Remember when John Kerry debated George Bush in a heavy coat of orange paint? Why wasn’t he excoriated for appearing in orangeface or Oompa Loompa face or circus peanut face? President Trump always looks a little orange. Maybe they should both be exiled. Or maybe they could form a mime duo and call it Orange Man Crew.

There is a purportedly black model named Winnie Harlow, and she has cashed in on vitiligo. She has de-pigmented patches of skin which just happened to arrange themselves in an attractive pattern. Isn’t she appropriating my culture, at least partially? I think she’s guilty of at least partial whiteface, or maybe Holsteinface.

I can’t believe we care about this stuff. If Ralph Northam were currently appearing as Coonman at a local cabaret, I would understand why people were upset, but he committed his crimes over 30 years ago. It is conceivable, to most of us, that a person could change in three decades. For instance, just to make up an example, a terrorist who mailed people bombs could become a close personal friend and ghostwriter for Barack Obama, as well as a tenured university professor. Why isn’t anyone considering that? Besides, things were very different back when Northam did his act. In the 1980’s, many human beings had what scientists call “a sense of humor,” so by today’s standards, their perceptions were quite warped.

You know who’s not talking about this very much? Jimmy Kimmel. The man who helped bring us “Girls on Trampolines” has become a respected advocate for female dignity, so somehow, he is capable of getting a pass from leftists when almost no one else can. Nonetheless, he isn’t going out of his way to remind people of the videos in which he painted his whole body brown and pretended to be NBA great and confirmed negro Karl Malone.

It wasn’t just blackface. It was blackbody. If blackface is a felony, blackbody should be a capital offense.

Leftists are blowing it. If they went after Kimmel, we would finally have a capital crime for which whites were punished disproportionately. Other than driving golf carts across greens.

Not only did Kimmel suit up in Shinola; he tried to sound black and pretended to be very stupid. But it was all in good fun. Whereas Coonman was making a serious political statement when he moonwalked drunk at parties.

We have gotten so crazy, it’s no longer possible to guess what will upset us next. You can’t alter your behavior to avoid persecution, because no one really knows where the boundaries are or whether they still exist.

I’ll bet we see a wave of blackface photos and memes now. Offenders will be exposed right and left. If I were Robert Downey, I’d move to Australia as a prophylactic measure. I’d rather live in the most physically miserable country on earth than be in America with the nut horde after me in earnest.

I don’t know who the governor of Virginia will when everything shakes out. By the time they weed out all the blackfacers in the line of succession, they may have to install a guy who paints center lines on highways. And by “guy,” I mean a human being who, as of this moment, believes…themselves?…itself?…zeself?…to be male.

If the earth were a train, I’d be pulling the brake cord right now and looking for a good place to jump off. I spend a lot of my time in a memory care facility these days, surrounded by people who don’t know their own spouses any more, and I would really like to be among the rational the rest of the time. How long will it be until they vanish like the passenger pigeon? In the future, asylums will be obsolete, because the behavior inside and outside them will be nearly indistinguishable.

I appeared in blackface once. I might as well close with that confession. Many years ago, when I was in junior high, a friend of mine helped me get made up as a gorilla from The Planet of the Apes. It was Halloween. Freaked the neighbors out good. I realize gorillas aren’t people, but we all know that when white people say “gorilla” or “monkey” or even “chair,” they’re really thinking the N-word.

I don’t know what will happen to me now, but one thing is for sure. I will never be the governor of Virginia.

I think this is my stop. Hold my beer while I jump.