“WAKE UP!!! NOTHING IS WRONG!!!”

I am learning more about the tyranny of smoke detectors.

For quite a while, I’ve been dealing with late night/early morning smoke alarm beeps. I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know anything about smoke detectors. I didn’t have them in Miami. I had an alarm system, and fire detection was part of it, so there were no electronic warts on the ceiling.

I thought my various stressors were waking me up at night, but now I think it has been the smoke detectors all along. It seems like I wake up pretty consistently a couple of hours before dawn. Sometimes I hear smoke detectors. Sometimes I don’t. That would make sense if the detectors were waking me. There would be times I awoke after the beeping stopped, so I wouldn’t realize what had disturbed me.

I started tearing into the detectors the other day, and I found out I had two sets. One belonged to the burglar alarm people. That set is wireless, and it runs on batteries. The other set belonged to the house. It was hardwired, and it also had non-rechargeable 9-volt cells. Really stupid. If you have a battery-operated device connected to AC, why wouldn’t you use rechargeable batteries and put a charger in the system?

I started calling the burglar alarm people to complain, and that’s when I found out they hadn’t caused the problem. They told me about the hardwired detectors.

I changed the batteries in the hardwired detectors, and they still went nuts at night. I found out a lot of things can set them off. Check out this list.

1. Bugs. If a bug–even a tiny gnat–flies into a smoke detector, you get an alarm. Nice, especially in Florida, where absolutely everyone has at least a few roaches. The geniuses who installed my system cut holes in the ceiling for AC power, and they didn’t seal them, so when a bug gets into the attic and decides to descend into a room, guess where it goes? Figure it out.

2. Humidity changes. I can’t believe this one. Am I supposed to live in a sauna?

3. Dust. Yes, dust. My AC ceiling warts sit under an attic insulated with fiberglass. What does fiberglass shed constantly? And as I said, the holes for the wires aren’t sealed.

4. Power outages. Let that sink in. We have power outages several times a week. They’re very short; usually, the computer doesn’t even turn off. Nonetheless, they happen, and for some reason, some detectors are engineered to poop the bed every time power goes out or even fluctuates. What were the engineers thinking? And why is there no UPS on the system? Hello? Obvious?

5. Temperature changes. This one blew me away. What does the temperature do every single night? Think. Think hard. If you know the answer, you’re smarter than an engineer.

If you hate your hardwired detectors, I have moderately good news for you. I’m convinced all smoke detectors are garbage, but some are better garbage than others. The law in Florida has changed, and now not all of us have to have hardwired smoke detectors. A substitute is available. For $25, you can get a disposable lithium-powered smoke detector that will run 10 years. It doesn’t care if the power goes out, because it doesn’t know. It’s not connected to your house wiring.

Obvious question: why disposable? Why not let people charge the batteries after 10 years? Call me cynical, but I suspect profit was on someone’s mind.

I don’t know what the law actually says, because I don’t care. I have two independent sets of smoke detectors, and it’s clear that the law approves of the 10-year kind in many applications, so it’s obvious to me that I won’t lose anything by dumping my obsolete hardwired detectors and installing new ones that allow me to sleep once in a while. If I’m committing a felony, take me away. I absolutely have to sleep, either here or in prison.

I’ve read that you shouldn’t replace hardwired detectors with lithium jobs. Sleep in my house for a week, and then try to say that with a straight face. You’ll need another kind of lithium. The kind that requires a prescription.

By the way, if you go for a new hardwired system (fat chance), it will come with a UPS. So what was immediately obvious to me took engineers years to figure out.

Today I’ve been ripping out the old detectors and putting up new ones. I love taking the batteries out of the old ones, pressing their test buttons, and listening to their death squeals. Never again, my little friends. You are washed up. You messed with the bull, and you got the horn.

I wish I had known all this before I spent over $40 on 9-volt batteries. I won’t run out of them for a decade.

There are a lot of smoke detector options out there. You can get wifi-enabled detectors that connect to Alexa. No idea what the purpose is. Maybe you can tell the smoke detector to order you a tent so you’ll have a place to sleep when your house burns down.

The other day I told someone the thought of having Alexa spy on me all day made me heave. This person said, “Alexa doesn’t ‘spy on you all day.'” They said it just listens for the cue word and then comes to life.

Uh…how does it listen for the cue if it’s not spying on you? Earth to suckers: if it’s not listening, it can’t hear when you call.

Don’t worry, though. No company would ever collect data it claims it doesn’t collect, misuse data it collects from customers, or lose any of it to hackers. None of those things could ever happen.

I’m no expert, but my tentative advice to people with hardwired smoke detectors is to get rid of them. Sleep is important. It’s amazing that engineers can’t figure that out.

I only bought three new detectors, figuring I would put them in the important areas of the house, i.e., near my bedroom. Now that I see how easy they are to install, I’m going to get more.

The detectors have tiny stickers on the side where you can write the installation date. Another genius move by the engineers. I have 10-foot ceilings. I can’t read those stickers. I took a marker and wrote “10/18” on the faces of the detectors, in big numerals. I can see it without getting on a ladder. Maybe I deserve a patent.

The new detectors have a voice feature. They are designed for bedrooms. No kidding. Somehow the voice is important for bedroom use. When you push the test button, you get beeps plus a very breathy blonde voice cooing, “Firrrre. Firrrre.” Maybe they’re designed for men. They should go all the way: “Firrrre, baby. Oh…TIGER…Firrrre!!!”

Some day I’ll figure out how to seal those holes. Right now I just want to wake up at eight instead of four.