This Yard Will Respect Me

Ordinarily, I am not up this late, but today is special. I wiped myself out working in the yard, and I came in after 8 p.m. It took me a while to decompress and stop exuding sweat, and then I had to get cleaned up. I also spent a lot of time Googling, trying to find tools for removing rocks from yards.

I love my farm, but I have no illusions about the soil. It’s sandy, and there are a lot of rocks. The rock is fairly hard limestone, unlike the airy oolite of South Florida. I don’t know how much rock is under my land, but there are some full-blown boulders sitting in my front yard. Bigger than couches, I mean. I assume I would find a few more if I knew where to dig.

When I first got here and tried to mow, sparks shot out from under the mower. I ran over an exposed rock in an unexpected place. The seller did a lot of work on this property, but he left several rocks sticking out of the lawn, and I have a talent for running into them. It’s disturbing watching sparks shoot out from under your deck.

I want to clear the lawn of rocks. I don’t care if there are a few in the woods, but the yard has to be clear of mower obstacles. The huge boulders are fine, because they constitute landscaping. The ones I hate are the smaller ones that peek out and try to bite me.

Today I warmed up for rock removal by attacking a strange piece of wood I’ve scalped with the mower twice. It was sticking up all by itself in a grassy area. I tend to give the previous owner too much credit, so until today, I left the wood alone, figuring that he would have moved it had it been possible.

I backed the Kubota up to the wood, and I slipped the end loop of a tow strap over it. I started pulling, and the wood snapped suddenly. It was now pointing 180 degrees away from its original direction. I thought that meant it was loose, but when I tried to pick it up, it felt like it was anchored to the earth’s core. I can’t figure that out. I hooked it to the tractor and pulled it in the other direction, and it came flying out of the ground. That felt good. I pitched it into the woods and decided to take on one of my rocks.

I didn’t get all of the wood. The piece I took out was part of a live oak root. I don’t care. The rest of it is too deep to bother me.

The rock in question is 30 feet from the porch. The exposed part was the size of a salad plate. For all I knew, it was the tip of an acre-sized boulder. I decided to try digging it up anyway. I got a shovel and dug around it, and what I ended up with was a rock about two feet long and ten inches wide. It’s probably around 20 inches deep. I haven’t gotten it out yet, but I proved that it wasn’t yard-sized. I proved it could be removed.

The rock had roots around it. Annoying. A big one at one end grew over it. I never got anywhere with that one. I got a mattock and cut the rest without a lot of effort. Never, ever try to cut roots with a shovel. A mattock will work. An axe will work. A sawzall will work. A shovel will just bounce off and tire you out.

Once one end of the rock was exposed, I tied the tow strap to it and pulled it with the tractor. I got it to rise a few inches, and it moved about 9 inches to the north. That’s all I got. I believe I drove it under the root that holds it down, so now I’m stuck.

What do I do now?

I have to cut the root. I believe I’m going to use the sawzall. That might loosen the rock to where the tractor will pull it out. If that won’t work, I’m going to get a subsoiler.

A subsoiler is a very strong hook you pull behind a tractor. It cuts a slit a couple of feet deep. If you hit a rock below a certain size, it will hook under the rock. Then you can use your hydraulics to roll it out of the ground. It will also bust roots. It can move stumps if they’re not too big. Sounds like something I need.

It also sounds like a handy device for tearing up water pipes, septic tank pipes, and buried cables of all types. I’ll have to make sure I know where everything is. I know for damn sure there are no cables near that rock, because it’s obvious that no one made any effort to disturb the soil in that area.

Once this rock is loose, I’m going after the rest. They will pay. Believe me. If I can’t tear them out, at least I can use the subsoiler to prove they’re too big to move. Then I can get a sledge or the rotary hammer and shatter the tops of them. I can remove everything that sticks up and put soil over them.

Eventually I should have an assortment of nice landscape boulders. Not sure if I should use them or sell them.

It’s neat to succeed at this stuff, especially when the previous owner could not get it done. I’ve found I can go out after the sun abates, use the right tools, and get a great deal done in a couple of hours. Last year I spent a lot of time working long hours in the heat of the day, wearing disgusting sunblock. That was a mistake. Work shorter hours. Work consistently. Use stuff that gets the job done. Avoid the heat and sun. That’s what makes things happen.

If you need rocks, I am the guy to talk to. I have more than I know what to do with.