Readers Stolen by Squawking Turncoat

There is a traitor in my midst. I got up today and checked my blog comments, and then I went to The Answer Bird to see if anyone commented on Marv’s latest post. The score? Marv 8, me 0.

For this, I fed him for six weeks with a spoon. For this, I let him eat my quilt and climb on my head to give my hair his special brand of conditioner.

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth. That’s all I have to say. I should get him some Blogads and make him pay for his own toys.

Maynard is his co-conspirator. I know how these things work. They pretend to be at odds, but in private, they share a common goal. Overtake the human’s traffic and crush him like Stalin.

Hey, if you love them so much, go read their silly blog. I don’t need you. All I need is this ashtray. And this paddle game. And these matches.

Why are you still here? Bird lovers.

In other news, my father’s friends have him all excited about the Sebastian area. That’s Sebastian, Florida. Where you will find the Sebastian Inlet. Here’s an odd thing about the east coast of Florida. It has an ocean. And you would think people would really, really want to be able to run their boats into the ocean. So you would expect a whole bunch of man-made channels through the barrier islands. However, there is a huge stretch between Cape Canaveral and Sebastian Inlet, with no ocean access whatsoever, except for people on the barrier islands. So if you want a waterfront home with an in-water boat, you pretty much have to stay within 10 miles of the Cape or the Inlet. Weird. You would think someone would start building channels, and there would be a real estate boom, because people would want homes with ocean access. But it doesn’t look like that’s happening. So my father’s friends have urged him to home-shop in the area of the Inlet.

I wonder if the greenies are at the root of this situation. They freak out whenever anyone cuts a mangrove tree to build a channel. You would think mangrove trees bore fruit full of diamonds, but in truth, they’re useless, except for smoking fish. The greenies managed to get protection for the mangroves by claiming fish reproduced in them. Then we found out the fish reproduce out on the reefs. So now we’re stuck with millions of acres of steaming, bug-infested, worthless mangroves. Fish may not breed in them, but mosquitoes and tiny gnats that descend in clouds and cover people in stinging bites sure do.

If the greenies had been around a thousand years ago, humanity would have died out completely, from famine, disease, exposure, and overwork. Just the way people do now, in places where normal human progress hasn’t taken place. And that would have made the greenies very happy.

With any luck, we’ll shoot up that way soon and see what’s what. I had this idea of getting a house in that general region, and then he decided he liked the idea, too, and his budget is bigger, so the plan is to establish a compound.

I’m still trying to figure out why people are willing to pay three times as much for similar properties in Miami. A palace on the water, with a giant boat dock, in a place with better weather, nicer people, and less traffic. OR a comparatively tiny inland house in the rudeness and traffic capital of the universe. Is that a hard choice? I guess one answer is that property appreciates faster here. I don’t know if that will be the case in the future. My theory is that the Internet is going to make it unnecessary for people to clump up so much in big cities. If you can work from a nice place instead of Manhattan or Atlanta or whatever, why not do it? Maybe ten years from now, the little communities will be more desirable than the big ones. If you’re within an hour of a mall and you have an Internet hookup, you are connected to society. You don’t need to be any closer.

When I was a kid, my sister said Miami was unpleasant because it attracted aggressive people. Her theory was that it was highly desirable due to its geographical features, so pushy people would naturally want to live there, just as they want the first five rows at a concert. I think she may have been right.

What else is happening? Drudgebart.tv.com links to a story about implanted Bluetooth devices which can alert medical personnel when people are having heart attacks. That’s just stupid. That’s not the highest, best use of these things. What you need is a device that senses drops in blood sugar, orders you a pizza, and gives the driver your location. As usual, I have to explain the obvious.

Oh, man. Marv just got two more comments. This bird aggression will not stand, man.