I am Retiring the Ottoman

FedEx has done me dirty. They delivered my electronics bench two days early.

Yesterday one or more of my army of gadgets told me the bench had been delivered. I went outside with all the enthusiasm of Navin Johnson picking up the new phone book.

I saw nothing.

FedEx has my gate code. When you live in the sticks, and you have an electric gate to keep pilgrims out, you have to give your code to a few organizations unless you like seeing your packages sitting in the rain. Every so often, a lazy driver decides punching the code in is just too much work.

Eventually I discovered a large box beside the gate, a long way from the house. Great.

The weather has been very bad here lately. Rain, rain, rain. The serious rain is over (for now…I keep telling myself), but the ground is wet, so when the sun comes out, steam fills the air. Nasty. I drove our SUV to the gate, put 100-pound-plus box in the back, and dumped it in the garage. Then I took everything out of it and moved the parts upstairs. By the end of the process, I was wet with sweat, and I felt like I had marched across the Everglades.

Is this enough whining? I’m not sure. I can always add more later.

The thing to focus on is that I got my bench early.

This bench is possibly the greatest product ever made for any purpose. It’s Chinese, so I guess that’s a bad thing. They can make fantastic stuff when they want to. Is America trying to compete in the $240-workbench market? I’ll bet we’re not.

The bench top is wood. No, not “pressed wood” or “flaked wood” or “former wood now best described as cardboard.” It’s actual wood. It’s not just wood. It’s some kind of hardwood, like maple. It’s glued together from small pieces, but so are bowling lanes, so no problem there. I would say the top alone weighs 80 pounds. It’s magnificent.

The frame is sturdy steel with some kind of super-duper coating on it. I don’t know if it’s a powder coat or some kind of fancy paint, but it’s flawless. The frame is full of threaded lags for screws, and every part has a label on it saying what it is and how to orient it.

You follow the clearly written non-Chinglish instructions, screwing one part to another with the provided screws and bolts. You use the nice screwdriver and the functional sheet metal wrench they supply, and if you lose a fastener, you open the little bag that contains spares.

When you’re done, you have a bench that holds 750 pounds. It has a steel pegboard on top, with a number of included hangers. It has an LED (not fluorescent) fixture over it, and it also has a power strip and a big drawer with steel partitions you can move.

Dude.

This is too much. Chinese products should not be this good.

I only dinged the top once during assembly. I wish I hadn’t, but this thing will continue to receive dings if I use it, so I’ll have to get over it. It’s a shame they made it so perfect. The initial perfection made the ding hurt.

There are ways to raise dents out of wood. I may try one.

I have the bench set up in the corner of my androgen-therapy chamber, i.e. my upstairs bonus room. I will permit you to look at a photo. For a fee, you may drop by briefly and touch it.

No. I take that back.

The company that makes these things is called Seville Classics. I’m glad I found out about them. They make other shop stuff, and it’s probably just as good as this bench.

The news for America isn’t all bad. This bench would be useless for woodworking. But then it’s not a woodworking bench. I should keep quiet. They’ll probably design one next week and put it on Amazon.

Now I need a chair. I was going to use my dad’s old ergonomic office throne, but it’s too low. This gives me a fresh puzzle to solve.

A long time ago, I bought a Craftsman shop stool with a padded back rest. This is a Chinese item probably NOT made by Seville Classics. A thousand retailers sell pretty much the same stool, with various logos on it. Mine is pretty bad. I’ve had to re-weld the backrest supports twice, and I feel like twice is enough. I don’t want to buy a new one that has the same weakness. When I look for a new stool, I keep running into the Craftsman stool other different names on it.

It’s surprisingly hard to find a nice padded work stool. I guess people want hard, uncomfortable seats that last longer. Forget that. I want comfort. I want a cupholder and built-in shiatsu machine if I can get them. If my comfy chair breaks, I’ll buy a new one and send the old one to a landfill. It’s the American way.

Seville Classics makes a padded stool which is probably nothing short of divine, but it has no backrest. Chinese workers don’t need backrests like soft Americans.

I’m thinking of getting a drafting stool. This is basically a tall office chair with a thing to put your feet on. They come with casters, which may not work well on carpet. Some clever person invented steel glides that fit in caster sockets, so if I hate the casters, I have another option.

The danger is that once I get the chair, I will do nothing but sit in the chair with a beer in my hand, thinking about how wonderful life is until they come to put me in a home.

Maybe I could put stilts on the recliner…

I also need a little tool storage. I am determined to be serious about the “little” part. I’m not going to splurge for a bulky rolling tool cart. I’m not. I’m not.

I’m not.

I think I’m not.

Maybe it will fit.

Note to self: stop.

An Israeli (!) company named Keter makes a little plastic cart with drawers. It’s way cheaper than steel, and it’s probably a lot tougher than cheap steel rolling chests. Most steel rolling chests are made of a material I would describe as foil. Harbor Freight makes surprisingly sturdy steel tool chests, but there is also a lot of junk out there.

Seville Classics makes a neat rolling cabinet with drawers.

That just slipped out.

I have to get more pegboard hangers and figure them out. I didn’t expect pegboard to be confusing, but it is. Tools don’t seem to fit the supplied hangers.

Because the quality of the hangers is good, I have to be careful what I buy. I know what will happen if I don’t watch it. I’ll have 30 very nice Seville Classic hangers and 50 Amazon hangers made from paper clip wire.

If you want a prefab bench that will last for eternity and not cost a thousand dollars, this one is tough to beat. I recommend it highly.