Leftovers Again

I watched the latest Star Wars movie, to kill time while I had the birds out. It was worth the six bucks I paid, but then I’d pay six bucks to watch Steven Seagal beat up Ralph Macchio, so don’t read too much into it.

Macchio is back, by the way. He has a series called Cobra Kai on Youtube. I watched the first two episodes, because they were free. Here is all I’m willing to say about it: it’s nice that he’s working again.

Yes. Nice.

I forgot the name of the Star Wars movie. I think it’s The Last Jedi. Can that be right? I thought Obi Wan was the last Jedi. Then Luke was the last Jedi. Is it just me, or are most Jedis the last Jedi?

My take on the Jedis is that they’re in denial. It’s the least impressive cult in history, unless you count what happened after Kanye West decided to worship himself. Even the Mormons managed to take over one state. At their peak, the Jedis probably had 15 members. The Westboro Baptist Church has that beat. When their entire membership travels, they fill 6 or 7 SUV’s. You could put all the Jedis in one school bus, and I mean a short one (negative connotation possibly intended).

The Jedis need an intervention. They need to lose the robes, run down to their local community colleges, get associates’ degrees, and look for work. In each of their futures, there is a store in a mall somewhere, looking for a management trainee. With luck, they could use their mind tricks to get raises and extra sick days. “You didn’t see Mace Windu driving the company van for Uber.”

The rebels…same deal. They’ve been losing for 40 years. It’s over, people. It’s time to pee on the fire and call the ewok. How many times does your movement have to be obliterated before you get the message? More importantly, when will HOLLYWOOD get the message? I feel like I just ate a plate of hash that was cooked in 1977. It’s okay to let Star Wars go. You let Obi Wan and Yoda die. Now let the series die. Some day someone out there will probably have another original idea. It could happen.

In the latest film, the rebels start out with a few hundred members. Think of that. The galaxy has trillions of people, and maybe 300 aren’t down with the empire. Is that a rebellion or just Occupy Wall Street with spaceships? Crazy thought: maybe the empire is legitimate. Maybe everyone else is okay with the Sith. My suggestion: go to the Jakku DMV, get a government ID, find work, and live as well as you can, under the radar.

It worked for me when Obama was president.

The older I get, and the more I know about life, the harder it is to take movies seriously. It’s twice as hard with Star Wars movies, for obvious reasons. They take place in a galaxy that has incredibly advanced technololgy, yet where soldiers wearing thin vinyl body armor shoot glowing bullets you can easily outrun. A galaxy where the cell phone hasn’t been invented.

They also take place in a galaxy where it seems smarter to cast Carrie Fisher than Harrison Ford.

Harrison Ford looks great. He is totally believable as Han Solo. The late Carrie Fisher looked and sounded awful. She shuffled and spoke haltingly, as though she had dementia. She had a speech impediment because she had bad dentures. Who spends hundreds of millions on a movie and forgets spend 5 grand to have the star’s teeth fixed? And she was, indeed, the star. For lack of competition.

Watching Carrie Fisher was depressing. Why, then, was she in the movie? My guess, based on old age and knowing a few things: Harrison Ford cost too much. He could probably get $20 million for a Star Wars movie. Carrie Fisher had no career and no prospects. She was no longer able to act. She had to be way cheaper.

Lupita Nyongo is doing well and making money. That probably explains why her character was only on the screen for about 20 seconds.

Look at the other actors and actresses. Laura Dern? What? Who? Has she been in a movie since Jurassic Park? Adam Driver? He didn’t exist until Star Wars found him. The actors who play Poe, Finn, and Rey are in the same boat. The inexpensive boat.

Poe and Finn are played by actors who don’t have a lot of talent. The Finn character is not as good as some of the people I worked with in high school plays (and they weren’t good at all). The Poe actor comes across as whiny and not bright. He’s supposed to be the new Han Solo, obviously, but he can’t carry Harrison Ford’s blaster.

Mark Hamill is not a great actor, but he punched above his weight this time. Not sure why they decided to kill him. Worried about a bigger fee next time around?

Yes, Luke Skywalker, the previous last Jedi, is dead. He evaporated, like Obi Wan Kenobi, on purpose. Like Obi Wan’s, his suicide served no purpose whatsoever. The rebels were wiped out, Luke showed up to save a remnant, and once they got loaded up in the Millennium Falcon, he went “poof.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that desertion? Nice friend.

The rebels are down to like 9 people (literally), they’re on the run in a creaky old ship piloted by a chimpanzee, their enemies are doing everything possible to kill them, and Luke is off gallivanting around the Star Wars afterlife with Count Dooku and Greedo. Is there a point to it? Of course not. Obi Wan’s death had no point, either. The Star Wars people don’t have a plan. They never had a plan. When they made the first movie, there were no plans for a sequel. They make this crap up, day by day.

Here’s the plan: “Make new movie; sell more dolls.” That’s what you’ll find buried under George Lucas’s mall-sized house, on a scroll made from bantha hide.

I guess I sound like I’m knocking the movie. I am. But I paid six bucks to see it, and that low figure has to be taken into consideration. There were a lot of explosions. There was some cool CGI. I was amused. I don’t feel ripped off.

I hope they’ll eventually quit making these things. It’s starting to be insulting.

I choose not to discuss the giant multi-nippled beast that supplied Luke Skywalker with nourishment. No; it wasn’t Chewbacca.