Government Signs Off on Squirrel Blitzkrieg

I have wonderful news. A stinking squirrel cleaned the blueberries off my blueberry plant.

Why is this great news? Here’s why:

You may shoot the following species of animals on YOUR private property as long as you check with you local law enforcement agency (Sheriff’s office or Local Police Department) to make sure its lawful to discharge a weapon in the area prior to shooting. Raccoons, Armadillo, Opossums, Most snake [sic], Foxes (during daylight hours only) Wild hogs, Coyotes, Bobcats, Skunks, Beavers, Otters, Gray Squirrels.

That squirrel just signed its death warrant. In blueberry juice.

That block quote comes from a response to a question I asked the Fish and Wildlife Commission, about nuisance animals. It has the force of law. I am now licensed to kill squirrels at will, by the government of the United Nations. Like Carl Spackler.

My friend Amanda graciously brought me a medium-sized blueberry bush, complete with berries. I planted it by the pool. The berries got bigger and bigger. Then they vanished down the unworthy gullet of a predacious rodent. Was I supposed to take that lying down? Oh no, my friend. I’m going all Walken on his behind.

The key to responding to aggression is to turn it into a blessing. That stupid squirrel didn’t realize it was dealing with a lawyer who knows how to read a statute. It thought I had to wait for squirrel season, and then it was going to hide out in the woods and laugh at me. No such luck, you vile aboreal rat. Your butt is MINE now.

It’s even better than I’m making it sound. I can shoot foxes! I just have to find a way to turn them into a nuisance. Maybe I could train them to play loud music while I’m trying to sleep.

I think you pretty much have to have chickens in order to claim foxes are a problem. Would it be unethical to buy a couple of fat, slow chickens solely for the purpose of drawing a foul? It certainly sounds like it’s worth a try.

Amanda has three boys. I wonder if they would be willing to wear chicken suits and sit in the yard. After all, it’s for science.

Okay, okay. I won’t bend the law just to shoot foxes. But the squirrels near the house are in very serious trouble. Finally, the air rifle will earn its keep.

Is it weird to put a blind on your home’s front porch? I don’t care. I am not giving the vermin the fruits of my labor.

I have a few blackberry patches. Will the squirrels eat those, too? If so, I know where to put the blinds. Oh, yes. I do.

I don’t know if I’ll accomplish anything. This area is filthy with squirrels. Maybe they’ll reproduce too fast for me to kill. That’s not so bad. Worst case scenario: I get really good at killing squirrels, and I have a good supply of free meat.

It’s a great day to be alive (for me). I can’t tell you how annoying it is to see those smug squirrels mincing around the yard all day, full of food I paid for.

I will eat my blueberries one way or the other. If I can’t have them in blueberry form, I’ll take them in the form of squirrel meat.

I am Godzilla. Squirrels are Japan. Deal with it.