Thor Meets Lilith

I watched another really bad superhero movie on the Internet yesterday: Thor: Ragnarok. It was only six bucks, and I was too lazy to see it in a theater.

Man, what a rotten movie. Time to fill your screen with spoilers.

Thor has a sister named Hela, and she is bad. Odin imprisoned her a long time ago and lied about her, pretending Thor and Loki were his only sons. This is totally plausible, even though Hela nearly destroyed Asgard and killed all sorts of people, because…Odin put roofies in the water supply and made everyone forget, I guess.

Loki runs Odin off. This is never explained. He takes over Asgard, and Odin is exiled to a field in Norway, where he shuffles around in a suit that appears to have been removed from a bum, thinking about death. Thor dethrones Loki and finds Odin, who promptly dies without explaining anything.

Odin’s death releases Hela. Odin has made no plans for keeping her in her hole after he died. Naturally. Not his problem. He’ll be in Valhalla, playing shuffleboard.

Hela returns and beats the living daylights out of Thor and Loki in about three seconds. Thor tries to whack her with his hammer, and she grabs it with one hand and crushes it like a fortune cookie.

I have an analogy for you.

Hela : Thor :: spinosaurus with PMS : baby hamster

This, I think, is where the very, very subtle theme of female empowerment becomes apparent.

For some reason, probably demonic, the people who make our silly superhero movies have decided their lowbrow films can save the world, and they’re doing it by praising women and minorities at the expense of bad old white men. They gave us the clumsy, nonsensical, trite Wonder Woman to make us understand that women are the most amazing beings in existence. They gave us Black Panther to show us that Africa, a place so filthy, backward, dangerous, and violent, people there dream of moving to India, is actually a high-tech paradise inhabited by black models who have the intelligence of John von Neumann.

Right; there is nothing wrong with Africa at all. It’s the only place in the world where AIDS became a legitimate plague, purely due to stupid behavior. It’s a continent where millions of people have gone blind simply because they didn’t wash their faces. Civilization in Africa is ancient, but literacy was virtually unknown there until white people showed up. It’s full of witchcraft, which is taken very seriously and involves a lot of torture and murder. It’s the site of seemingly routine civil wars in which Africans murder and rape other Africans by the hundreds of thousands. Men in Africa rape babies because they think sex with virgins cures AIDS. Africa is so screwed up, even charity workers refuse to enter certain countries because they know they’ll be murdered. But Marvel says it’s full of telegenic model geniuses who are, frankly, just too smart to deal with the rest of us.

Yeah. I got it.

The Thor movie promotes women by giving us a female villain who is…God. She is stronger than Odin, Thor, Loki, the Hulk, all of Asgard’s warriors, and whoever else may show up…put together. If she were any stronger, she’d climb out of the screen and kill the audience. Marvel doesn’t explain how chubby, stick-armed, 5’6″ Odin put her in a prison. He must have worked out a lot when he was young.

It’s not enough to have a strong female character. You have to humiliate the male ones. This is the great thing about movie feminism. It’s a zero sum game. Equality? Forget that. We’re going for total domination.

Marvel slices Thor and Odin up and pulls their guts out. Odin is a confused old man wandering around in a field. Thor gets beaten up by practically everyone he meets. He cowers and begs. Stan Lee appears as a barber; his job is to cut Thor’s hair before Thor is forced to fight as a gladiator. Thor cringes and begs as the scary hair-cutting machine draws near.

Thor runs into a retired Valkyrie, which is a female Asgardian warrior. This person is supposed to be his servant. She defeats him instantly. Because…WOMAN.

Hela tears Thor’s eye out, like she’s flicking lint off his collar. Easily. Like it’s just something you do in the middle of a fistfight. It doesn’t grow back. It’s not a blooper. It’s gone, baby. She rips it out of his head, makes fun of his new gaping socket, and goes on beating him. Why not pull the other one out? Why not pull his arms off and be done with it?

Gosh. What could eyeballs and a hammer symbolize?

In this movie, Hela kills Asgard’s whole army in a few seconds. Nobody can even slow her down. Her power is so disproportionate to that of the rest of the cast, it’s as if Fred Rogers got a load on and started beating the puppets in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

That’s not good writing. People want to admire superheroes and live vicariously through them. We don’t want to pay good money to watch superlosers. We can lose fights and grovel in real life. I don’t need to watch Thor give his lunch money to bullies. I can do that here in the real world.

The movie is bad in lots of other ways. It’s buried in jokes. Way, way, way too many, and they are jokes that do damage to the plot and characters.

At one point, Bruce Banner jumps out of a spacecraft, expecting to turn into the Hulk as he falls. He says something like, “NOW you’ll see who I am!” He hits the Bifrost bridge untransformed, bounces, and presumably dies with a bunch of broken bones and torn organs. Hilarious. I guess his cells still have enough life in them to bring him back, because the Hulk pops up a few seconds later.

Maybe the screenwriter has a crush on Joss Whedon, who loves jokes and switcheroos. But Whedon doesn’t treat important characters like paper towels. He doesn’t destroy them for momentary laughs. He thinks about the future. You can’t have a joke that makes Buffy the Vampire Slayer a complete moron in one scene and then present her as the masterful savior of Sunnydale in the next.

The movie makes you feel bad for the actors. Marvel clearly does not care about Chris Hemsdale or the Thor series. Robert Downey got great screenwriters and good directors. He got top-notch special effects. Hemsdale got special effects straight out of Saturday morning shows. He got a script that probably arrived at the studio with dried beer all over it. He got a director who seems to have no idea who Thor is.

Cate Blanchett plays Hela. This is a big-time actress. Seeing her in a Thor movie is like seeing Laurence Olivier in a Frosted Flakes commercial. She tosses some of her lines out like she can’t believe she’s actually saying them. She seems embarrassed to be in the movie.

Is she in financial trouble? Is this like the famous series of Nicolas Cage IRS films? “You want me to play Fred Flintstone as Othello? Send me a check. See you Thursday.”

This is not a good movie. It’s entertaining, in the same way Youtube videos of skateboard crashes are entertaining, but the whole project is inept. And here is the most amazing thing about it: it got great reviews. How can that be? It’s Wonder Woman all over again. Wonder Woman was one of the dumbest, least imaginative superhero movies ever made, and critics raved as if Gal Gadot–a TV-grade actress who will disappear after this franchise–had cured cancer.

The director is going to vanish. The screenwriter, who is probably the director, is going to vanish. The special effects people are probably already looking for new jobs. But somehow the movie got good reviews.

I seriously wonder if critics held their nausea down and said, “I’m taking one for the team.” Nearly all of them are liberal. Maybe they’re so obsessed with the asinine notion that movies are “important” that they whored out and gave this pig five stars for Karl Marx and Betty Friedan.

If that’s not it, there has to be some kind of supernatural blindness at work, because really, this was a poorly written and executed film. It was not even close to good.

Hollywood types think Wonder Woman and Black Panther are more than movies. They think they’re cures for the problems of women and black people. The arrogance is beyond belief. Movies aren’t that powerful. At the end of the day, men will still be stronger and better at math than women, Africa will still be a disaster, and black neighborhoods in America that are poor and dangerous now will still be poor and dangerous.

Movies don’t ruin people. People ruin people.

White people and northern Asians are going to continue to do all right, and so will men. Sorry. You can’t slow us down with movies. We don’t succeed because movies give us confidence. We succeed because of how we behave. Switzerland and Japan will continue making really neat watches, great electronics, and wonderful firearms, and Sudan will keep producing dead bodies. That’s how things will be, until people in Sudan change their behavior.

Remember the “girls-only” math craze? Leftists kept telling us girls had to be put in special classes, like mentally retarded kids, in order to learn math. The idea was that boys would snicker at them in class, and that this would ruin their confidence and prevent them from achieving, which they otherwise would, because women are smarter than men.

It was an amazing philosophy. 1. Women are stronger and smarter than men, and 2. men, who are weaker and dumber, can keep women from achieving their potential by snickering at them. Somehow the weak and stupid were able to control the master gender. Don’t smart, powerful people usually dominate stupid, weak people? Am I missing something?

How can females be just as smart and powerful as males, or moreso, when they’re so weak you can ruin their lives by giving them skinny Barbie dolls with big breasts? I had a GI Joe when I was a kid, and he had washboard abs, the face of a movie star, and bulging plastic muscles. Why didn’t that depress me and ruin my existence? Am I special somehow?

I never thought about a connection between Joe’s perfect physique and my outlook on life when I was setting him on fire or throwing him off the roof.

Anyone who thinks boys are especially hard on girls is an idiot. Boys are absolutely vicious toward each other, even when they’re just playing around, and somehow we managed to win the presidency 45 times in a row and do most of the work involved in creating the atom bomb.

A female physicist named Lise Meitner was a vital part of developing the physics that led to the bomb. Her dolls were probably flatchested.

It’s funny, but Thor is actually a big hero to certain white power nuts. He’s blond. He has blue eyes. He’s Aryan as hell. There are white supremacist kooks out there who take him seriously and love Norse mythology. Hitler’s pals loved that stuff. It kind of makes sense that leftists would go after Thor. He is the ultimate symbol of whiteness.

Arggh. Can I just have a superhero movie where the hero beats up the villain and tosses him into the sun without trying to make me hate my race and sex? Make it a female superhero. I don’t care. Just don’t lecture me or blow smoke up…anything.

White men aren’t that bad. Really, we’re not. Get to know one. Take one to lunch. We’re human. We like puppies and walks on the beach. We don’t have slaves any more. Unless we’re Muslims. Don’t feel so threatened. It makes you look insecure.

I hope no one tears Tony Stark’s eyes out. He’s a riot.

More

I learned something timely and interesting from a Drudge-linked story. Thor really IS a big deal to certain white supremacists.

Drudge linked to a story about people in Scandinavia who are using Norse symbols for various purposes. It was kind of vague, but the impression it gave was that Asatru, one of the branches of the evil religion of Scandinavia, was hot with racists wackos.

I looked around some more and found more material suggesting there are grown people who worship Thor and Odin and have a problem with non-whites.

I can see the allure. Real religion, in which the real God is worshiped, is about love and submission, and there is a lot of denial of the flesh. The Viking pretend religion involves hammers, swords, battle axes, drunkenness, berserkery, and feeling dangerous. And it looks like you also get to pretend you have master-race genes that make you inherently superior to everyone else.

Everyone loves playing dress-up, and we like belonging to things, particularly if we can convince ourselves they’re ancient and exclusive. If you decide to be a Viking, you don’t have to let your position as a Wal-Mart greeter define you any more. You can get weird tribal tattoos, put on strange Viking jewelry, and feel much more interesting than you really are.

I totally get the Thor-humiliation in the Ragnarok movie now. Chris Hemsworth’s Thor gets abused by a black Valkyrie played by a race-obsessed actress (check out her Twitter feed) as well as a goddess played by one of the most testosterone-obliterating actresses in Hollywood (Cate Blanchett). He also gets enslaved by a man who seems gay (Jeff Goldblum).

It’s like the devil himself wrote the script.

I’m not saying Thor is holy or anything. Thor is part of a Satanic religion. But he represents white men to some people, and Satan is going after white men right now, so Thor is a good target.

I wonder if the white supremacists are upset about the movie. I don’t know where to look to find out.

I don’t have a fun ethnic revivalist group to join. Far as I know, my ancestors were mostly Celts. Ignorant not-blond people who painted themselves blue and accomplished almost nothing. Spent most of their time being conquered, I think. I don’t know much about it, but I think the main connection my ancestors shared with the Vikings is that the Vikings used to rape them and take their stuff.

I think I come from victim/loser societies. Maybe I can get reparations.

Wait. Wikipedia says I’m a Gael. The Gaels were Celts from Scotland and Ireland and so on. The Romans couldn’t conquer them, which sounds nice, but the British, who got stomped by the Romans, succeeded in conquering the Gaels, and they still push them around, which, now that I think about it, is how I ended up here in America.

Okay, so still losers, on the whole.

Man.

I think I’ll put on a kilt, dance around in the yard, and be proud of myself. “Yay! We got conquered! Yay! Other people run our countries! Say it loud! Say it proud!”

You know what? Down with Thor! We victims need to stick together.