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My Amazon Adventures

I am taking a break from reading the book of Acts, whereby I hope to give myself strength to continue being saintly and superior. Not everyone can be as great a Christian as I am, but thank goodness, I have the humility to refrain from putting down those who fail.

I checked Amazon. So far, I have done nearly nothing to promote the cookbook; things are in the works, but very little has happened so far. Nonetheless, it keeps bobbing in the popularity rankings. Ordinarily, book sales work like this: you do some PR, and the book’s sales improve briefly. Then they sag pretty badly. So you do more PR. This time, the sales don’t appear to be closely related to the PR.

That seems like a good sign. Optimally, you want a book to sell by word of mouth, because no promotion can compare to an army of individuals hyping the book to friends and relatives. If that were to happen, I would expect the sales peaks to follow the arrival of the book in people’s hands. In other words, I would expect a bounce from initial PR, then a drop, and then another bounce as the people who bought books in the first bounce recommended the book to other people. And eventually, you expect the peaks to sort of merge into a gradual upward trend, as buying and shipping dates become more numerous and less rhythmic.

I hope that’s what’s starting to happen.

If Amazon’s site is correct, they’ve run out of copies twice. So someone must be buying.

I seriously believe this book has more appeal than the others. It kills me that I wasn’t able to publish it a year ago, because even then, I thought it was my best shot at success, and at establishing a series of books based on the same theme. When you publish a book, you are relying on other people’s money; the publisher has to make an investment in order to get the book onto shelves. So you have to rely on their marketing judgment, and you can’t blame them for going with projects that seem safe to them, based on the success of other books. You can either let them make choices for you, or you can start your own publishing company.

I almost lost the opportunity to publish the cookbook. My agent sold it, but we didn’t execute a contract, because we were fooling with other things. Then the offer disappeared, and I had to get him to sell it to them again. I was mortified. I had assumed that my agent and editor wouldn’t let anything fall through the cracks, but here is a fact of life: nobody will ever be as interested in looking after you as you are. People have their own problems to worry about, so worry about yours, and you’ll be okay.

This book was accepted almost as a favor to me. My editor liked it, but it didn’t thrill the marketing people the way…don’t laugh…the caveman book did. My advance was about as low as advances get. But I took it, because, unlike a lot of sharp operators masquerading as writers, I think more about royalties than advances. Now, in comparison to the other books, it appears to be a much easier product to sell. Life is funny.

I dread the idea of running an Internet forum, because it will be work, and I know from moderating comments that whatever I do will make people mad. But I think I’m going to set up a forum anyway, because it’s good business. If I do, it should be up and running this week. I’ll tell you right up front that only four of George Carlin’s ten deadly words will be permitted. If you can’t say it at 9 p.m. on CBS, don’t write it in the forum. And if you’re just generally obnoxious and a pain in the ass, your stuff will get deleted over and over.

Maybe I’ll con someone into helping me moderate.

I’ll need a new hosting account in order to have a forum, so Manly Grub will probably go offline for a day or two this week. Best to do the switch now, while the site is attracting so few readers.

If you cook my recipes and take photos, feel free to send them. I’ll put them in the site’s gallery. In fact, any impressive and original food photos will be welcome. No salad; let’s be clear about that from the get-go.

That’s all.

Magical Drawers Required

I am considering changing hosting companies. It’s really hard to find objective reviews. The jerks who run the companies spam the web with bogus “review” sites that appear to be poorly disguised advertisements.

I checked into Bluehost. Sounded pretty good. Then I noted the location: Orem, Utah. I did a little Googling. Guess what? They police the content of the websites they host. Are they Mormons? They won’t say. But they will tell you to remove “vulgar” content from your website.

If I start a forum, I plan to keep it PG. No F word, no S word, no C word. And so on. So I could probably get past the vulgarity thing. But the Mormon church is a hoax, and I have said so on this blog. So I think there is no point in dealing with Bluehost. I would be asking for trouble.

I applaud Bluehost’s efforts to keep the web clean, but I think they’re in the wrong business.

Considering Opening my Own Zoo

I’m thinking I should put up a food forum at Manly Grub. I have considered running a forum in the past, but I always decided against it. Now I think it’s a good idea.

Give me your opinions. Would any of you be interested?

I may as well say in advance that the forum would be moderated. Comments would appear immediately, but I wouldn’t put up with obscenity or endless flame wars.

Clog Your Arteries Correctly

I put up an error page over at Manly Grub. There is at least one error in Eat What You Want and Die Like a Man – The World’s Unhealthiest Cookbook, and someone suggested publishing corrections, so here you go.

Not much there, as of today. Just the cornbread error.

Put Some Gravy on That Tofu

I wrote the world’s unhealthiest cookbook. To compensate for the evil things I was eating, I started having vegetables, pita, hummus, and eggs for breakfast. Then today I was too lazy to boil eggs, so I substituted a leftover fried, breaded pork chop.

Am I deluding myself, or just being smart and frugal?

I am Big in Jerusalem

Poor little recovering Leah Friedman put an ad up for my book! Look.

There is probably nothing in there she can eat, so that was nice of her. Thanks, Leah.

Leah’s friend Mish Weiss also plugged the book! Thanks, Mish.

Makes me wish there were some kosher recipes in there.

Come the Revolution, These People Will be Spared

Can’t recall whether I mentioned Kenny from Gorners, so here is a link.

Chris Byrne graciously linked, and a reader emailed to ask if I knew of a place other than Amazon where the book could be had. I searched a zip code in his city (Phoenix), and I came up with 15 Barnes & Noble stores that stock it. You don’t have to order it online; you can just buy it. I like Amazon buys because they pump my Amazon rating, but do what’s best for you.

I think Jeffro linked, but I can’t find it. Whatever. For some reason, I could not find him on my blogroll, so I added him. Maybe he’s in there twice now.

Did I already mention Elisson? Could be.

Baldi gave me a free Blogad, after all the mean things I said about Pajamas Media. Do I feel guilty? Not really.

I don’t remember whether I thanked Helo for mentioning me at Drumwaster’s Rants, but here is a link.

Okay. THANKS.

Bet I forgot someone.

Really

Give me a minute here, and I’ll try to catch up on links to people who linked to my book. I don’t want to wait until tomorrow, because nothing sucks like a Friday link.

If I fail to blogroll you at Manly Grub, feel free to remind me.

Woe is Me

This is fricking upsetting.

I decided to make my own pita, because I was too lazy to go to the store. I figured I would be satisfied if it was edible. But it came out so well, from now on, I am going to be utterly bummed when I have to eat the store stuff. The taste was better. The texture was infinitely superior. It didn’t resist at all when I peeled it apart for dipping in hummus.

Damn it.

There was one small problem. I use my whole wheat flour so rarely, it went a a bit “off.” I think this is the reason white flour was invented. It lasts forever without spoiling. Not sure. Anyway, I need new flour, but the pita was still a thousand times better than any pita I’ve had outside of Israel.

Sometimes when things go right, you’re worse off than when they go wrong. I cook so many things well now, I am constantly surrounded by temptation. And I have the willpower of Amy Winehouse.

I guess you’ll want to know what I did.

I looked briefly at a web recipe, which you can find here. Then I ignored it, mostly. I stole the baking technique.

INGREDIENTS

3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 tbsp. gluten (my all-purpose flour is pretty weak)
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. sugar
2 tbsp. olive oil
6 ounce water
1 tbsp. dry yeast

This is very much like my pizza dough. I dissolved the sugar in the water, which I had heated for 20 seconds in a microwave. I added the yeast, dissolved it, and waited for it to foam. I put the other ingredients in the food processor and blended them quickly. I set a timer for 3 minutes and turned it on. I turned on the food processor. I poured the yeast mixture in slowly, waiting for the flour to form a coherent glob. Turned out I needed more water; I think whole wheat flour is thirstier than all-purpose.

When it formed a glob, I quit adding water. This was at about 2:20. I blended until 1:20. Then I formed the dough into a ball and put it in an oiled dish to rise. I preheated the oven and baking stone to 400.

When the dough was nice and puffed up, I divided it into six pieces. I rolled three pieces into flat circles, using as little flour as I could. The circles were very thin; each one was around 6″ in diameter. I tossed them on the stone and baked for three minutes or so. I turned them to get them toastier on the top side, and they were out by five minutes. I baked the others the same way. They were perfect. They come out with a little flour on them, but you can knock it off.

This would be really good if you could sour the dough.

Reader sent me a funny photo. Remember me worrying about squibs in a revolver? This is apparently what happens, if you don’t notice that the bullets aren’t leaving the gun. I have to wonder what would happen if you had a few squibs in an automatic weapon.

My Hobbies

Breakfast has been delayed this morning, due to a combination of adventuresome…ness…and laziness. I had no pita in the house when I got up, so I decided to try and make some. Anything to avoid going to the store. It will probably be another 45 minutes before I find out if I succeeded.

I think I should put up a post at Manly Grub, exposing myself as a tremendous fraud and hypocrite. I should put up a photo of the breakfast I eat five days a week. Piles of fresh vegetables, pita bread, cottage cheese, sour cream, hummus, and boiled eggs. The only things in there that are even slightly unhealthy are the eggs and sour cream.

What am I supposed to do? If I ate good food every day, my BMI would be a googol. So I eat crap. Rabbit food. Shh. Don’t tell anyone.

On Saturday, I fully intend to have a mouth-watering Mickey D’s breakfast, to get the salad taste out of my mouth. And I plan to make a pizza this weekend. Until then, I will suffer.

I can’t understand how Mickey D’s makes such great breakfasts. Their other food is just sort of okay. If they quit making McMuffins and bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits, I am going to have to kill myself. There is no sound alternative. I have to have my biscuits and McMuffins, and I have to dip them in a big glob of Hunt’s ketchup while I eat.

There is something addictive in that Mickey D’s grease. It’s not like bacon grease. It’s not like butter, lard, or Crisco. Maybe it’s lithium grease. That would explain the mood-elevating effect.

An hour after eating this stuff, I get a headache and feel depressed. Maybe it’s an MSG thing. But even though I’m depressed, I’m happy. Because I’m depressed for a good reason.

You can be depressed and happy. The hippies tell us you can have global warming while temperatures drop all over the world. If that’s true, I can be depressed and happy.

A reader told me to put butter beans in my hummus to make it smoother. I thought he was high, but it works. This week I used one can of cheapo garbanzos plus a can of Winn-Dixie store brand butter beans. And the hummus is very good. I was too lazy to cook the garlic before adding it, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I’ll give you the ingredients again.

2 cans garbanzo beans, drained OR 1 can garbanzos, 1 can butter beans
juice of 2-3 lemons
several cloves garlic, pressed
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon salt
2-3 tablespoons tahini
hot peppers (seeded) or hot sauce to taste
2-3 tbsp. olive oil

I think that’s right. I just blast it in the food processor. If it’s too dry, I put back some of the water from the beans.

Thank God I like vegetables. Maybe they will in some way balance the other junk I eat.

I’m hoping to slap another 50 rounds of .357 ammunition together today and hit the gun range. I haven’t gone in two weeks. The weather and other factors have deterred me. I can’t wait to take the new old 27-2 out and see what it can do. I just hope I don’t have any squibs. I think I’ll take some .40 S&W ammunition and a Glock, just in case.

Deliberately

I am behind on acknowledging blog reviews and links for Eat What You Want and Die Like a Man – The World’s Unhealthiest Cookbook. Sorry. I’m going to catch up.

I just got a great review from TC, over at Beer in the Headlights. Read it and find out what you’re missing.

Thanks, TC.

Unless Lying Would be Better

If you love me, and you love Eat What You Want and Die Like a Man – The World’s Unhealthiest Cookbook, take a minute and write an Amazon review. Be sure to use the link to the new book, not the old one.

And for God’s sake, don’t try to buy the old version.

Try not to Drool

I never thought I’d sink this low. I am now a purveyor of pornography. I am putting up a gallery of food photos over at Manly Grub.

It’s very slow work. Only two albums up.

Hold Onto Your Sitemeters

I have been blogrolling people at Manly Grub. I have to type the entries in one at a time, so expect it to take a solar year.