Home Pickling Adventures

I never cared all that much for sweet pickles, until I tried the ones my grandmother made. They were extremely crunchy, and they had lots of green dye in them, so they had an interesting appearance.

A while back I started canning my own pickles. I’ve written about it here. They’re somewhat similar to the ones Granny made.

I cranked out six jars of pickles today. They should be magnificent. I won’t know until I try one later in the day.

I also sliced two heads of cabbage for kimchi. I am crazy about homemade kimchi. I made my first batch last month, and it was stupendous. This time, I’m making it even hotter, with my horrendous backyard-grown Trinidad Scorpion peppers.

I used regular old cabbage last time, but the recipes I’ve seen call for Napa cabbage. I bought two heads for my latest kimchi batch. I will never buy it again. It cost me over ten bucks for two cabbages. I don’t care how good this stuff is. It’s not worth it. I believe the other cabbages cost 90 cents a head.

Pickling stuff is a pretty good deal. You don’t have to be insanely meticulous about sanitation and so on, because the acidity prevents botulism, and you don’t have to use a pressure canner.

It’s probably impossible to can kimchi. The bacteria that create it would make sealed jars blow up, and if you heated the kimchi to kill the bacteria, you’d end up with something pretty odd.

I wonder if I can do this with chutney.

Milk and Honey, Cream Cheese and Sugar…Same Deal

The other day, Virgil warned me that I was once again within the CONE OF CERTAIN DEATH. A tropical storm was on the way.

It looked pretty bad. This thing was supposed to go right over me. And Miami hasn’t caught up with the mid-20th-century, so almost all of our power lines are still on poles. That means the city goes black when the wind blows. This makes complete sense, since there is no reason to think Miami would ever experience high winds.

Of course, being a big Christian and all, I prayed. And today the storm has shifted course, and it’s out in the Gulf Stream. It’s not even windy here.

Is it okay if I take full credit for this one? I guess not.

Life is pretty sweet here. Guitar practice is going well. Unlike most people, I believe in practicing too fast as well as slowly, and it’s paying off, big-time. I keep working on ZZ Top, and I got faster and faster without realizing it, and now when I play along with the recording, I feel like I’m crawling. That’s great, because it means the music seems slower to me, so I feel like I have more time to think about each note.

I think the computer screwed up my picking hand. I am working on that. I have always held the mouse between my thumb and ring finger, with my index and middle fingers on the buttons. This is extremely unnatural. It causes you to squeeze inward with your ring finger all day, and I notice that now I have chronic soreness in the muscles I use to do this. Flatpicking tends to stretch these muscles, so it’s not a big surprise. If you play the guitar, or plan to learn, you might consider changing the way you hold a computer mouse.

I ordered two sets of P90 pickups. One is for my grey History Les Paul copy; I ordered Z90 humbucker-sized pickups from Harmonic Designs. They’re not cheap, but the sound samples are great. I also decided to try some inexpensive P90s on my History ES335 copy. I chose Mean 90s from Guitar Fetish. These are Asian jobs. They cost about a third as much as American pickups. Worth a shot. They get great reviews.

I’m not sure why pickups cost so much. A pickup is a few magnets and a little wire. You would think they could be sold profitably for forty bucks each. And maybe they can. I doubt the people who make them are pure socialists.

I stuck a new tone capacitor in my Chinese Epiphone Riviera. This guitar does not have a very bright sound, and I have read that .022uF capacitors (the standard) are actually too big, causing high frequencies to die off. I stuck a 6800pF capacitor in the guitar, and it does sound brighter, but it lacks the overall tastiness of the Blues 90 sound I get from my Blueshawk. I may stick Lollar P90s in it. The guitar is definitely worth the effort. I don’t want to decide until I hear the cheap Asian pickups.

Changing the capacitor was not fun. You have to pull every bit of electronic stuff out through the F-holes. And I ended up putting a tiny crack in one of my knobs. It turns out you can remove a knob safely by wrapping a thin cloth around it and yanking. I did not know that, so now I have to order knobs.

“Coincidentally” (I use that word so much), there is a guy who did a long series of videos and blog posts about the Epiphone Riviera, and I learned the cloth trick from him. You can find him by Googling “planetz.” The info should be helpful for working on any guitar with F-holes.

I guess it sounds like I hate humbuckers, but that’s not true. I love the humbuckers in my Burny Les Paul. But I feel like one humbucker guitar is enough.

It’s a funny thing, but I don’t have any complaints about my Fender pickups. Both guitars have Texas Specials, and I have no desire to change them.

I didn’t buy expensive tone capacitors. I went to Mouser Electronics and ordered some sort of film jobs. I read that the obsession with expensive capacitors was probably pointless, and given my experience with other audio myths, I believed it. When I studied electronics in college, they didn’t tell us to change our calculations when we used $40 paper-and-oil capacitors. All that mattered was the capacitance. I have a feeling the engineers know more about this than the musicians.

On Saturday I had a great experience. I celebrated Sukkot with a bunch of Messianic Jews. I was only able to get one person from my church to go with me, but it was worth it.

The event took place at the home of Ben Juster, son of Dan Juster, the rabbi who runs Tikkun Ministries. Look him up. They had a big ol’ tabernacle in the backyard, and I brought a strawberry cheesecake that could not have been better had the angels themselves delivered it. Bringing a really good cheesecake to a gathering of Jews is a little like bringing whiskey to Indians, but it was well received.

Many Christians believe Sukkot presages the Messianic Age, when Jesus will return and live here with us. I think that’s probably correct. I suppose the sukkah (tabernacle or booth) represents the physical bodies of believers; Jesus will associate with us even though we are still flesh. Right now he does this through the baptism with the Holy Spirit.

The Bible talks about people failing to be obedient during the Messianic Age. Imagine that. Jesus himself is sitting on a throne in Jerusalem, and everyone knows who he is, yet some people still rebel. I have no problem believing that. Human beings have a limitless capacity for rationalization and self-deception. People wanted to stone Moses even after they saw God support him with miracles. Wait…that was in the movie, which is full of craziness. Well anyway, they defied Moses.

Yesterday I found out that my pastor’s daughter in law is a big student of the Jewish origins of Christianity. That was a surprise. Maybe I’ll be able to pry her and her husband loose one Saturday so they can visit the synagogue. It’s very hard for them to get permission to miss our Saturday service.

I managed to turn someone on to Perry Stone this week. The church friend who went to the Sukkot thing with me listened to Perry while we drove. He was talking about silver as a symbol of redemption. He has an interesting theory. Remember how David got in trouble for conducting a census? God hit Israel with a plague that killed 70,000 people. Stone’s theory is that the big sin here was the failure to pay the silver redemption cost. I don’t recall exactly how it works, but males have to be redeemed with silver, and when you have a census, you’re supposed to pay. Anyway, I ended up lending the CD to my friend.

Stone also says the word “tekel” in “mene mene tekel upharsin” is actually “shekel.” The shekel is a unit of weight, and God was saying the Babylonians had been weighed, and that they had been found wanting. This makes sense to me, because a lot of “T” sounds have been converted to “S” sounds by Western Jews. For example, they say “shabbos” instead of “shabbat.” But I don’t really know anything about it.

Stone’s audio teaching about the census is titled “Not Just a Shekel.” I highly recommend it. You may be unable to get it unless you’re a “partner” of his ministry, though.

I only know of two examples where God himself wrote on stone. One is the delivery of the Ten Commandments, and the other is the incident in the palace at Babylon. There is a funny parallel. God gave the commandments to Hebrews who were celebrating with a heathen idol made of gold. God gave the other inscription to heathens who were celebrating with golden items stolen from the temple and the Holy of Holies. I wonder if that means anything.

With Which Thou Mayest Blow Thine Enemies’ Arteries to Tiny Bits

Idolatry takes some unexpected forms. The most surprising one, in my opinion, is church-related idolatry. You can turn the work you do with your natural abilities into an idol. You can even turn prayer or the Bible into an idol.

I do a lot of volunteer work at my church. Lately it has become obvious to me that I have to start cutting back. Either that, or God is going to have to open up a door to permit me to keep it up. If I could, I’d just live at church and work there all day (surprising to see myself write that), but that’s not my situation. I have to choose the ministries in which I serve.

I’ve worked on a book and other written materials for the church. I’ve cooked a great deal. I’ve served as an Armorbearer. I’ve attended functions which really were not all that relevant to my walk. It’s too much. I know it’s too much, because my prayer life is suffering.

Prayer is the single most important thing a Christian does. Some people think Christianity is about being good and not going to hell. That’s wrong. The whole point of Christianity is to know God personally and to be changed by the Holy Spirit. Without prayer, that doesn’t happen. You end up detached from the herd, doing whatever seems best to your limited mind, when you should be guided by the gifts of the Spirit.

I used to go to bed early and get up early. Now I get up between 7:00 and 9:00 on most days. My commitments at church sometimes keep me up until past 11:00, so I can’t just flop into bed and get up at 5:30. I refuse to do it. Doing without sleep is like eating junk food or smoking cigarettes; it’s extremely unhealthy. It makes you fat, it ruins your concentration, it degrades your memory, it wrecks your mood and leads to anxiety and depression, and it raises your blood pressure. I get tired of hearing people brag about how little they sleep. It’s like bragging about not brushing your teeth. Why would you brag about destroying yourself? I know there are people who would tell me they care more about their wonderful walks with God than about sleep. Well, maybe they can explain this:

It is vain for thee to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.

Here is a clearer translation, from The Complete Jewish Bible:

Ps 127:2
In vain do you get up early
and put off going to bed,
working hard to earn a living;
for he provides for his beloved,
even when they sleep.

Here’s Matthew 11:29-30:

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Some people think it’s virtuous to live a life of chronic deprivation and misery. God says otherwise. I believe God. Call me crazy.

I know people will cite Paul, pointing out that he got beaten a lot and so on. I don’t recall Paul saying he slept three hours every night, or that he worked so hard he didn’t have time to pray and worship. And there is a difference between occasional persecution, or occasional hardship, and perpetual drudgery. If drudgery were the answer, we would be able to save ourselves through works, wouldn’t we? I believe we are all charity cases, and God gives us things we don’t deserve. I believe faith and gratitude are more pleasing to God than hard work. I believe too much hard work and deprivation leads to pride, and God has made it very clear he hates pride.

I have to get God’s guidance and then cut back on the stuff I do at church. I have to accept the fact that things will remain undone. That’s just how churches are. The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Even God is unable to make the church run perfectly, without going against his own nature. If that were not true, the church would be perfect.

I have a friend who told me he can’t attend church because he is so busy working as a volunteer. That’s crazy. Would you kick a patient out of a hospital bed and make him mop the floor of the ward? Better not to volunteer at all than to let volunteer work become an idol.

He told me he knows someone who secretly attends another church, because that person’s work at my church makes it impossible for him to sit in a service without working. If my pastor knew that, I think he’d blow a gasket. He doesn’t preach four or five times a week so people can miss his sermons because they’re selling sodas or sewing costumes for plays.

I’m not making pizza at church tomorrow. Tonight I have to go to a Sukkot celebration with a bunch of Messianic Jews, so I can’t attend Saturday night church. That means I have to attend tomorrow, and it means I’ll be up late. That all adds up to arriving late tomorrow and being unable to make the dough on time. That’s life. I’ve trained 7 or 8 people to make pizza. I prepared for days when I would be unavailable, but the helpers I taught haven’t taken up the slack, so when I’m not there, there is no pizza. Wish it were otherwise, but I have to get my rest and worship.

Maybe I should make a short formal list of my priorities and put it on the wall so I have guidance when I have problems like this.

I’m taking a beautiful strawberry cheesecake to the Sukkot thing. I expect it to be a hit. Jews will surround a good cheesecake like the Red Sea closing in on Pharaoh’s army. It’s hard for me to think of a gift that is likely to be received with more joy. You can’t buy good cheesecake in South Florida. If you think you can, it’s because you haven’t tried my cheesecake. I think God handed me that recipe, possibly so I would have it ready to use this very day.

I have to go reduce the sauce and slice the berries. Happy Sukkot, or whatever it is you’re supposed to say.

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Cell phone photo.

With Bait Sauce

I like kimchi, so I decided to make some. I cut up two cabbages and soaked them in salt water. I poured out most of the water and added some juice from a jar of store kimchi, so the bacteria would transfer. Then I left the cabbage out for several days, in a bowl on the table. I added ground Trinidad Scorpions, shallots, garlic, ginger, and paprika.

Today I tried some. It’s pretty good, but it looks like something that fell out of a dumpster. For the heck of it, I added a little Thai fish sauce, which is made from rotten fish. The fish sauce was a little over the top, but I managed to choke the kimchi down.

My question: am I a gourmet, or do I just like eating garbage?

I noticed something funny. A guy named David Zinczenko writes about food for Men’s Health Magazine. He knows absolutely nothing about good food. He’s probably just a hack writer who found a gimmick. He wrote some awful books with names like, “Don’t Eat This; Eat That!”

Yahoo runs his articles. They used to allow comments. Readers were generally furious, calling him a Nazi and so on. And they were right. He has the same attitude toward good food that liberals have toward conservative speech: don’t let people choose; just take away the things you think they shouldn’t have. He doesn’t just let you know food is bad for you; he whines that the restaurants that serve it should stop!

Now Yahoo won’t let people comment. Is that really the answer? His ridiculous articles still make people angry. Now they’re probably even angrier, because Yahoo won’t let them respond.

What is it with the left’s obsession with ruining our food? It predates Hitler, who (like some of his flunkies) was a health-food nut. If you want to tell people about healthy food, great, but why crusade to have real food taken out of people’s hands? I still get mad when I think about the ordinance they passed in LA, banning fast food restaurant construction in minority neighborhoods. Only white liberals should be allowed to decide what people eat; minorities are too stupid to take care of themselves!

No one who knows how to cook is dumb enough to think you can take the fat and carbs and salt out of food without ruining it. Some foods taste good even when they are completely healthy, but others can’t be made healthy, and there is no point in trying. Healthy cheesecake is garbage. Healthy pizza is garbage. Healthy steak is garbage. There are some foods you can’t “correct” without ruining them.

Cooking is an art, and neutering our food damages that art. Why don’t the food Nazis understand that? These are the same people who have a conniption if you suggest our tax dollars shouldn’t be used to subsidize “art” consisting of photos of crucifixes submerged in urine. They think pornography is art, but somehow, cooking doesn’t matter.

Thank God most of us can still buy a Coke or a pizza without bribing a local socialist official. I wonder how long that will last.

No One Robs an Empty Bank

The other night, for no apparent reason, the following thought kept repeating in my mind: “There will always be people who owe you, and you’re going to have to get used to it.”

I thought that was weird. But eventually it started to make sense to me. If you are blessed, you will be required to give and lend to others, and they will owe you. This is how a blessed life works. You are supposed to be like God, and God has what it takes to bless people, and he helps them, and often, they don’t thank him or make any effort to repay. If you give and lend and people don’t have any gratitude, welcome to God’s situation. This is what he deals with every day.

I think this means I will continue to be blessed, and that I have to bless others, and that I have to get used to giving them more than I get.

That’s actually a very good deal. It sure beats owing and lacking. People who owe and don’t repay are not blessed. They are cursed. They live in failure and defeat. They live with worry. A person who can afford to be taken advantage of is much better off.

It’s clear that this is a good way to live, because the Bible repeatedly says blessed people give and lend.

Examples from Psalm 37:

“The wicked borroweth, and payeth not again: but the righteous sheweth mercy and giveth.”

“I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed.”

We are told that if we are blessed, we will lend and not borrow. That is true in my case. I have no long-term debts. Not even a car note. God has certainly kept his promise with regard to me, and I can’t say I earned it.

Deuteronomy 28:12: “The Lord shall open unto thee his good treasure, the heaven to give the rain unto thy land in his season, and to bless all the work of thine hand: and thou shalt lend unto many nations, and thou shalt not borrow.”

It’s important to understand that lending gives you power and borrowing makes you a slave. Fools think it’s the other way around. The other night, I saw a movie about Chess Records. Muddy Waters was telling a new artist–Howlin’ Wolf–he wouldn’t have to keep driving a dirty old truck, and Howlin’ Wolf said, “I own this truck. It doesn’t own ME.” Later on in the movie, it became clear that Howling Wolf had money, and Muddy Waters–the bigger star–lived in debt and had no net worth.

If you have debt, you are the slave of the person from whom you borrowed. You can’t quit a bad job, because you need the money. You can’t afford to be sick. You can’t get ahead. The things you think you own can be taken away from you in a day. And a good deal of what you earn will go to pay interest, which buys you nothing and extends your servitude. If you default, you lose your reputation, which is worth more than the money you stole. Your credit report will follow you like a bad smell, helping assure that you will continue to lack. Worst of all, you won’t gain real wealth, which is the set of habits and beliefs and skills that lead to prosperity. You will always fail, until you change. Even if people give you money, you will lose it, and you will lose more than you were given.

Last night I was talking to another Armorbearer at church. He said he took out a loan to help a relative’s business. The relative can repay, but chooses not to. The relative is not on the hook with the bank; my friend is the one taking the hit.

I thought it was odd that he was telling me this right after I heard that thought rolling around in my head, so I told him about it, and I told him what I thought it meant. He found it very encouraging. So, was the message given to me so I could give it to him? Could be.

Here’s the funny part. There is a young man at church who mooches rides from me. He lives a long way off, in a really bad area. He’s a big fan of my garlic rolls. Last night we heard a sermon about the need to be dedicated and serious and grateful for blessings, and the pastor talked about all the free stuff his parents had given him when he was a kid, and he mentioned bread and rolls. The ride guy yelled “GARLIC!”, and even though I couldn’t see him, I knew who it was.

While I was telling my AB friend about the debt thing, I looked over his shoulder and saw the garlic roll guy looking at us, and I knew exactly what was going to happen. God was going to make me put my money where my mouth was. I ended up dropping him off in the hood at about 10:30, and I felt better about it than I have on the other occasions when I have given him lifts.

I have to get used to being owed. I am going to owe or be owed, and I would rather be owed. And I have to acknowledge my own debt to God. If he can live with my large debt to him, I can live with the little debts others owe me.

It’s not enough to apply this principle to money. I have to apply it to time and works, including prayer.

You can either be a sink or a source, and a source’s nature is such that people take from it. That’s how things work, and I accept it.

Glowing Habaneros Dance in my Innards

As is usually the case when I cook for myself, I am in ecstasy. Last night I made super-hot Ethiopian chicken stew (doro wat) from my own recipe, and I just ate a big pile of it wrapped in a homemade roti with sour cream.

I can’t believe how great it was. I added an extra minced habanero gold, and I reheated it. The flavors got more intense in the fridge overnight. My head is still spinning.

It amazes me how the good Lord has sharpened up my cooking. I am the best cook I know. I cook better food than any restaurant I know of. I have zero desire to go out and get food, except for stupid things like Five Guys.

What is the reason for this? There has to be a reason. I don’t eat that much any more. I don’t get to cook many exciting things at church. But there should be some purpose for this great food, beyond giving me a thrill once a week or so.

I have given up on injera. It’s okay, but nothing beats a roti, and rotis are easier to make.

I left the boiled eggs out of the stew. They don’t do that much for me.

I wish I had put more peppers in the stew. I’m not really in that much pain.

Flame On!

I have a mild head cold which is killing my appetite. At times like this, I only want ice cream and spicy food. I think the answer is doro wat, or Ethiopian chicken stew.

I put a recipe for this in my cookbook. I think I’ll get the book out and get to work. I plan to use some peppers from my yard. Either habanero golds or Trinidad scorpions. The trick to doing this right is to try to kill yourself.

Fruition

Last week was fantastic.

For the last few years, I’ve been dealing with a nagging problem. My primary approach to solving it has been supernatural. I have chosen to hold off on using some earthly weapons I have at my disposal. God has been completely faithful; last week he gave me a big victory, in pretty much the way I asked for it. Maybe I’ll write about it eventually.

I’m having lots of fun with the guitar. My arm pain went away when I started using dumbbells to exercise my forearms. Last week, I noticed I was bending the .73mm Dunlop pick I was using, along an axis from the tip to the back, and I realized I was getting too strong for it, so I upgraded to a .88mm pick. Now I’m playing louder and clearer, because the pick is stiffer. I’m not completely ready for the heavier pick, but I can’t go back to the thin one, and I know I will get stronger during the coming month.

My left hand is also getting better. Notes I could not fret well in the past are sounding clearer. I suppose it will be another couple of months before I really feel strong.

I suspect that the dumbbells are improving my hand strength, not just my forearm strength. Maybe forearm workouts are a good idea for guitarists, generally.

The Burny Les Paul I bought is turning out to be a wonderful investment. I got a little help with the electronics (guitarist from my church advised me), and now I am able to use a Fat Sandwich pedal to get a B.B. King tone you would not believe. I actually wrote down all the settings so I could repeat it. You can convert your amp, guitar, and electronic settings to numbers in order to record them in a compact notation. Figured that out on my own.

The neck on my Chinese Epiphone is actually slightly better than the one on the Burny, but that’s probably a truss rod thing.

I think I’m going to stick with nines and tens (strings) for the foreseeable future. The Burny has DR Pure Blues nines on it, and the tone is pure bliss, and it’s easy to play. I have some problems feeling the strings with the pick sometimes because they’re so thin, but I think I can overcome that. I am able to get three distinct notes out of a single bend, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that with heavier strings. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t think it’s a strength issue. I think it’s just the nature of heavy strings. They don’t seem to increase in pitch as much for the same degree of bending.

I really wanted to get a Japanese Les Paul and put single-coil pickups on it, but I can’t stand to take the humbuckers off my Burny. They’re amazing. So what do I do? I guess I’ll have to get a second Burny eventually. What if I like the pickups on that one? Hope that doesn’t happen. Every so often, one turns up with P90s already installed. Maybe that’s the best bet.

I am ready to take the next step in my Fretboard Logic studies. I have the “CAGED” thing pretty well under control, although I can’t make an A-type chord above the seventh fret. It’s impossible for me to line up three fingers between two frets that high up. I assume the answer is to do a sloppy second bar with the ring finger. I can’t believe a human hand exists which can get three fingers into that space.

I have to start writing original variations and tunes. I have been determined to learn to impersonate recordings accurately, because this is a sure way to build good technique, but I have to do my own thing, too. I already have the tab paper. I should get a tab-editing program.

It’s difficult to write tab, because you have to put down the guitar pick and pick up a pen, and it breaks the concentration. I may start writing it with my left hand. It doesn’t have to be pretty the first time around. I can fix it later.

I still think about my upcoming major guitar purchase. It’s slated for January. Right now, I’m strongly considering a Heritage H555 with single coils. But I may have to put the decision off until I really know what I want.

I may try out high-end guitars and discover that vintage Japanese guitars are as good or better. If that happens, there is no way I’m going to drop a pile on an American-made money sink. When you own a tool that costs too much, you tend to treat it like a sick baby, and you don’t get proper use from it. I am not afraid to risk the destruction of an $800 Japanese guitar, but I would be very nervous about putting a new Heritage on an airplane.

It should not be a surprise that the Japanese make great electric solidbody guitars. Japan is considered to be the home of the finest carpentry in the world. The strange thing is that their acoustics (and most of their pianos) are so bad. I guess it makes sense. A Les Paul is just a neck and a board, so if you make them fit together right, you should get a great sound. Copying the sound of a complicated hollow box would surely require more familiarity with American culture and the American sound.

Even semi-hollow electrics do not require perfect resonating chambers, so presumably, Japanese ES copies are also good.

Les Paul himself used to play a guitar that was actually a board. To be precise, it was a four-by-four with a neck. He called it “the Log.” It upset people, so he glued parts from an archtop to it, to make it look like a guitar. It’s in a museum now.

It may sound insane, but solidbody guitars would probably be good woodworking projects for me. The bodies would be a joke. Just cut, rout, and sand. The only hard part would be making a neck and headstock and setting the neck correctly. You can actually buy necks already made, if you get in trouble.

God gives us the desires of our hearts, according to Psalm 37. I am here to tell you it’s true. I am killing the electric guitar, and I am cooking better than I ever did, and I have wonderful friends. I have great tools, I’m thin, and I even have a pickup truck! I guess God has to be careful about rewarding us when we are not serving him. Once we’re back on track, his blessings will not corrupt us, so he can be more liberal.

If you want God to bless you, crucify your flesh so your evil desires don’t rule you. That makes you a fit candidate for blessing.

Things are going great, and I’m even meeting amazing Christian women. I keep pointing this out: non-Christian women, as a group, are a never-ending torrent of disappointment and conflict. They are neurotic and chronically unhappy. They expect men to solve all their problems. They blame us for everything that goes wrong. They think bickering and put-downs are the proper way to demonstrate their worthiness of respect. They are draining. They expect sex no later than the third date, and if they’re in their baby-crazy years, there is a good chance they’ll defeat contraception in order to trap you. It’s extremely difficult to find a non-Christian woman who interests me enough to make me risk the pain.

Christian women are completely different. The problem with Christian women is that I want to take ALL of them home. How do you choose? They’re pleasant to be around. They’re encouraging. They’re polite. They listen. They understand that a mate is not a competitor. They’re not princesses who have been raised to believe their overpriced weddings are the focal events of all creation. It’s hard to believe they’re for real. It’s such a beautiful thing, dealing with women who don’t put you on trial and make you walk on eggs. I can’t get used to it. I know it’s real. It’s like moving from Miami to Texas, where the people were so nice to me. It seems surreal, but it’s genuine, and I can trust it.

God will change your life so you can trust happiness.

Tonight I’m making Champagne chicken for 15 people at church. Boy, are they in for a shock. This stuff is incredible. I will not pretend to be modest. They think my pizza and cheesecake are good. They don’t know what they’re in for.

Electric Bliss

This morning, the phone kept ringing while I was doing my morning prayer regimen. Drove me nuts. I finally answered it, and it was Mike. He was going crazy, brainstorming about my new smoker idea, which is this: drill a hole in a Ronco Showtime rotisserie oven and pump in smoke from an external box containing flaming wood.

He pointed something out. You can’t slow-cook stuff in a Showtime oven. The burner has a fixed heat setting, and it’s either on or off all the time.

I hadn’t been concerned about this. The Showtime oven makes nice, tender meat, so I figured I’d be content with using it the same way I do now, but he has a point. Slow-cooking is better.

Here is my answer. Cut a hole in the back of the oven and insert a smoker heating element with a thermostat. You can set the temperature and walk off and not worry about it. Or as Chairman Ron says, “Set it…and forget it.”

This will be a thing of great beauty. Think about it. You make a smoke box from a propane tank, some scrap steel, and a conduit elbow. You plumb it into the side of the oven. You put the smoker heating element in the bottom. You cram your meat in there and smoke it over low heat while using the “No Heat Rotation” setting on the Showtime. Then when you’re ready to eat, you turn the Showtime to “Normal Rotation” and brown the meat.

I felt we should put a hole in the top of the oven and mount a smoke pipe, but that’s just pimpage. The smoke will go in and out just fine if you leave the door cracked.

This could make some really brutal ribs or pork butts or chickens. And it’s cheap. You can get the ovens for $50 on Craigslist. The smoker element runs about the same price. If you spent $150 on this thing, you would be at the upper limit of the price range, and a smart person could do it for a hundred and ten.

Mike was highly disturbed by the prospect of building one of these things. I’m not sure he slept last night. I can tell he’s not going to have any peace until we give this a try.

In other news, my secondhand Japanese Les Paul clone has been delivered and put to work, and it’s amazing. It screams quality, or maybe it’s actually screaming “BANZAI” and it just sounds like “quality.” Using this neck is like dancing on greased glass. The humbuckers (probably Japanese L8000s) have a thick, sweet, almost nasal sound which is addictive. Apart from the dings and scrapes, the fit and finish are perfect. And I suspect the previous owner almost never played it. The finish on the bridge is going, but there is no fret wear. Maybe he just held it in his hands while he danced in his underwear. A lot of guys do that, when they find out how hard it is to actually learn to play.

There are two disappointing things about the guitar. First, it was advertised as a “long tenon” model, which means the neck is supposedly attached the way the better Gibsons had theirs attached. But the tenon is a weird type that has a screw in it. It appears to be very long and solid, but it’s not standard Gibson engineering. Someone has suggested to me that a clever Japanese instrument maker used screws to hold necks in while the glue was soft, so they could be adjusted a little before becoming completely solid. The Matsumoku factory is known for this method.

Second thing: there is a dime-sized mashed place on the edge of the guitar, in back, up high. The binding is a little mooshed, and some wood is showing. This was not clearly indicated in the photos. My luthier says he can make it prettier, but with a polymer-finish guitar, there is a limit to the magic. I just want it cleared up to the point where it doesn’t pain me to see it every time I grab the guitar.

I tried to put a Bigsby on the guitar, using a Vibramate mounting kit. Problem: you have to use a strap pin to hold the mount on, and the strap pin on my guitar is slightly off-center. So another job for the luthier. I would not be afraid to drill a new hole, but I’m going to have to fill a hole and then drill another one right next to it, and that might conceivably require a little knowledge and skill, and I have neither.

I am missing ZZ Top very badly, and this is especially true now that I have a new guitar to mess with. I’m working on SRV’s “Honey Bee” and B.B. King’s “Sweet Sixteen” instead. I’m making good progress. I don’t know if it’s the slippery neck or what, but the up-the-neck intro to “Honey Bee” is not giving me problems. I’m also impressed by the weepy, mournful tone the guitar gives me on “Sweet Sixteen.” Oddly, I prefer it with the Tube Screamer on and the bridge pickup selected.

It looks like Japanese Les Paul clones are great instruments. I don’t know if this thing is as good as a real Les Paul Custom, but it’s so good, I don’t care, and it cost one fifth as much. If I break it or someone steals it, who cares? I’ll Ebay another one. And I’m not afraid to modify it.

You can get new ones. Fernandes still makes Burny guitars, and the top two Les Paul models are still made in Japan. You’ll pay about a thousand to get one in your hands. You won’t be able to try it out first, however.

I don’t know why the Japanese make such beautiful electric guitars and such crappy acoustic instruments, but I’m not complaining.

I love my Chinese Epiphone Riviera, but I’m not so stupid I can’t see the difference in quality between the Riviera and the Les Paul. The necks are equally well set up, but there is something friendlier about the wood on the Burny, and it makes a real difference when I play. I can’t really say why, but the body on the Burny just looks better. The finish just seems classier and less flashy.

I’m wondering if I can have the fretboard on the Epiphone buffed or otherwise treated so it feels a little more like the Burny. And I’ll say one more thing: I would love to see what a Burny ES335 clone is like.

I think I made a mistake when I bought my Vox AC4TV amp. This is a magnificent machine; it has a nice tube sound, and it attenuates to 1/4 watt, so you can make it sound nice without rattling the walls. When I bought it, I looked for other attenuated amps, but I couldn’t find any this quiet. Now I’ve learned about the Bugera V5. This thing goes down to 1/10 watt, and it’s half the price of the Vox. Good info, if you’re currently shopping.

I’m wondering how they do the attenuation. Maybe it’s just a big resistor. If so, I should be able to put a bigger resistor in the Vox. But the Bugera is so cheap, I have to wonder if there is any point.

I’m going to get a Way Huge Fat Sandwich distortion pedal. Maybe I’m stupid, but they sound great in demo videos. I like my Tube Screamer, but how can you resist something called a “Fat Sandwich”?

Time to crank up the amp. Hope I can quit before my fingers get too sore.

Do This Do This Do This

I made a delicious leg of boneless Costco lamb today, with fresh rosemary from the yard, on the Showtime rotisserie oven. While I was enjoying it…it hit me! BUY A USED SHOWTIME, DRILL A HOLE IN THE SIDE, AND PUMP IN SMOKE!

Hold me down, or I’ll be in Hialeah in half an hour, buying a pre-owned oven from Craigslist.

I Have This Situation Under Control

I have had some misgivings about studying ZZ Top in order to learn the blues. Some of their best stuff is not all that clean. “La Grange” is about a whorehouse. If that’s not bad enough, I’ve been working on “Tube Snake Boogie.”

While the songs are not optimal material, I did learn one thing from studying them: Hal Leonard’s Play-Along instruction books rock.

These books feature licensed material by popular artists, and the licks (supposedly) are accurately transcribed. A long time ago, I tried to learn some SRV stuff with a different book, and I’m just about positive the transcriptions were not merely wrong, but sometimes impossible to play. Apparently, I’m not the only one who has this problem, because these days, a lot of books are advertised as “recorded versions,” so people will know they’re not getting garbage somebody made up.

The Play-Along books come with CDs that have demo tracks plus tracks with the guitar removed. They give you software, too, so you can play the tracks any way you want. Fast. Slow. Whatever. You can loop stuff, too.

Today I blew the massive sum of $14.95 on the B.B. King book, and it’s fantastic. I’m working on “Sweet Sixteen.”

I’m learning some interesting stuff about B.B. King. Judging from the sounds he makes, he sometimes mutes strings with his pick. I know of no other way to produce the clipped notes he makes. You pick the string, bend it, and then bring the pick back and stop the vibration while the string is still bent.

If I’m wrong, I’m wrong, but it works. The book doesn’t explain it; this is just me talking.

I thought the pickups on my Chinese Epiphone Riviera were not hot enough, but now that I’m doing this B.B. King stuff, they sound wonderful. Maybe I still don’t know how to work the amp. I think I’m cheating it by keeping the volume so low.

The guitar is still great.

I looked at one this morning, at the Hallandale Guitar Center. I think I got lucky with mine, because the one they had didn’t look as good. It had some revolting ripples where the neck joined the soundboard. Mine is not perfect in this area, but it’s way better than the other one.

I’m really looking forward to getting my Blueshawk back. Now that the electric guitar is finally working out for me, I want to see what it can do. The public rejected this guitar, but almost everyone who actually played one loved it.

Found another good deal on a resonator instrument.

I’ve been trying to learn some acoustic blues. I finally downloaded some lessons from a guy called Catfish Keith. His playing is wonderful. Unfortunately, he sounds pretty white when he sings. Anyway, as soon as I started working on one of his songs, I noticed one of the notes was just plain missing. I may be wrong about this, but it looks like his tablature is wrong.

This kind of thing irks me. When I wrote my cookbook, I made sure it worked. I only know of one recipe error in the whole thing, and it’s pretty obvious, so it’s not likely to hurt anyone. I don’t know why people who publish tablature can’t be more careful.

Check him out on Youtube.

I better get back to practicing. I have to leave before long. I made another Tower of Babel cake for church, and I have to bake garlic rolls for the Saturday night youth thing. That cake is a wonder.

Check out those Play-Along books. They’re a big help.

God’s Own Cake and the Devil’s Music

I took the Tower of Babel cake to church to get rid of it. It was a great success. Now they want more. I have piles of bananas scattered on the kitchen counter, fresh from the trees in my yard. I guess I’ll freeze what I can’t cook immediately and put the rest in cakes.

My nam wa banana tree finally produced. The bananas are very nice. They’re finger-sized bananas, but they’re not like the lemony guineos we always have in the markets in Miami. They’re very sweet, and they have a smooth texture. It’s a little like banana ice cream.

God keeps working in my life. Last week I led some of the armorbearers on the first Armorbearer Freedom Fast, and Mike joined in. Some of us were fasting to beat gluttony. I was fasting in support of the others. Mike called and said he went to a restaurant after the fast and ordered a kid’s portion. He couldn’t face a regular-size meal. In the past, it has always been hard for Mike to face regular-sized meals, but that was because they were too small. His new attitude is incredible.

I worked at church on Sunday, and when I left at nearly 4 p.m., I hadn’t eaten anything except a piece of cake. I didn’t want more food, but I made myself stop at Five Guys. I got a bacon cheeseburger, Cajun fries, and a large Coke. I ate two thirds of the burger and a third of the fries. I drank half of the Coke. I threw everything else out. I didn’t want it. Today I went to breakfast with my dad, and I left a fourth of my nova bagel on the plate. Not bad. My Armorbearer friend who was fasting because of his weight said he tried to eat something he usually enjoys, and it made him sick, so he couldn’t do it.

Fasting works. My pants and belts do not lie. We are getting supernatural results. And my dad is witnessing all of it, which is also great. One day, we’ll get him.

Church continues to amaze me. I keep meeting extraordinary people there. One of the new Armorbearers is a drummer. His name is Travis. I started talking to him yesterday. I asked him if the drums were his only instruments. He said he played TWELVE, and he listed them. And he said he played them WELL, so apparently it’s not like Prince, who claims he can play forty but probably includes instruments that made noises because he accidentally sat on them in the studio.

I know everyone thinks Prince is a genius. When I see him do something that indicates talent, I will agree. So far, all I’ve seen are weak pop tunes. And he holds a purple guitar sometimes. Wait. I think it’s white. Anyway, I haven’t heard any solos yet.

Travis got a full scholarship to college, based on his ability. That’s what he does now. He said it was largely based on his sight-reading skills. He actually knows who my trombone-virtuoso cousin is, which is astonishing.

So now we have two professional musicians in the group, and they’re not three-chord wonders or rappers. They are real musicians.

The other musician, Zachary, is trying to find a hundred-watt tube amp he can afford. He said he would consider building one, if he had the skills. I used to build temperature and current controls for diode lasers in college, and I have a ton of tools. He sent me links to some sites that have amp plans. Interesting.

One of the guys bought a Bushmaster AR-15. He brought it in for us to look at. We were handing it around and admiring it in a back room. I said, “You know, church has CHANGED since I was a kid.” That cracked Travis up.

My music is going really well. The bluegrass is coming up to speed. My left hand has only had five weeks to get strong, and that’s not enough. When I use a capo (makes fretting easier), I get a taste of what my playing will be like in another month or two. I plan to continue playing bluegrass, simply because it’s great for my technique and it’s wasteful to throw away a whole genre you’ve already learned.

I was suffering with online blues lessons, but I couldn’t take it any more. I got a ZZ Top book, and I started working on “Tube Snake Boogie.” I realize this is not good music for a Christian to work on, but hear me out. The guitar stuff is all blues-based, and it’s HOT. It will get me into electric blues via the side door, and it will help me get familiar with my instruments and amps. I don’t plan to sing this filth in the sanctuary.

I struggled for a week, but today I got it working. I put new strings on my flamenco guitar (like a classical guitar, with a cutaway and a different sound), and I started using it for practice. This is much easier on me than my dreadnought and heavy hollowbody. It allows me to practice pretty painlessly. I actually got through the first page and a half.

I may get hollered at for saying it, but so far, as I expected, this stuff is a complete joke compared to bluegrass. True, you have to go up the neck more, but so what? I’m using elevens, and the guitar’s action is very light. I’m playing at half the speed of bluegrass (or less), the strings are kinder to my hands, and the licks are child’s play. The only real problems are getting used to playing over pickups and coping with the light strings. When you’re used to blasting thirteens at maybe eight notes a second, you can barely feel elevens.

When I used to try to play Stevie Ray Vaughan material, it was difficult, but then he played very fast, and he didn’t cheat by using his left hand to play the notes. He did it just like a bluegrass guitarist.

I’ve noticed that some rock guitarists play runs that seem very fast, but their right hands aren’t keeping up with the notes. Evidently, you can effectively double your speed by hammering on and pulling off and bending the strings with your left hand, between right-hand notes. I wonder how many of these guys could cope with bluegrass. I know some of them have been there; Steve Morse does both styles.

I had a feeling this would turn out to be easy, simply because I know the kind of people who play rock. They are not known for being industrious. Rock guitar isn’t about artistry and sacrifice. It’s about looking cool and attracting shallow women so you can fornicate. That’s what got Pete Townshend started. I know there must be many rock guitarists who woodshed all the time and aren’t afraid of difficult material, but a lot of this stuff appears to be based on using two fingers, the way you might when you’re stoned in the back of a tour bus. And everyone loves nines, and I don’t think that’s totally based on professionalism. It just might have something to do with lack of character, in some cases.

When you play an electric guitar, the gadgetry does a whole lot of the work. It’s pretty cushy compared to killing yourself to get music out of an acoustic.

I look forward to getting a grip on this form of music, and then I want to do a reverse Ray Charles. I want to use bluesy sounds to make music for God. I know you’re supposed to go the other way, ripping off gospel and using it to play secular music. I don’t see why I can’t turn the tables.

I’m glad I held onto that flamenco guitar.

Tisha B’Av is about to start, so if you’re fasting in sympathy with Israel and the Jews, it’s time to get on it.

Life is wonderful.

Should be Followed With a Flood of Coffee

The Tower of Babel cake is a success, with qualifications.

It has a little too much nutmeg in it, and I have to be careful to make sure the next one cooks through and isn’t too wet. Other than that, it is a tour de force. Terrifying. Everything goes together perfectly. It’s so good, I am getting rid of it. Tonight I’m dividing it up at church.

It’s so rich, a slice about one and a quarter inches thick at the big end is all you need. But you will eat a second slice anyway.

…And it Confused Their Tongues

I just learned that I do not know how to frost a cake. Nonetheless, this may be the best thing I have ever eaten in my life. I call it the Tower of Babel cake, because no man should have this much power!

So far I’ve just eaten scraps I had to trim off. I have to wait until it chills to give it a definitive test drive.

Beware the Frosting of the Pharisees.

Here is what I am baking right now.

Two cakes, made from banana nut bread. The bottom one is also a pineapple upside-down cake. Stack them and cover them with carrot cake icing. Decorate with mandarin orange slices soaked in Grand Marnier.

Is that scary, or what? Don’t even try to tell me these wacky ideas don’t come from God.