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COMEY OUT

May 9th, 2017

Nugent In?

I just read that Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. I don’t know too much about this story, but I really enjoy Trump, and I thought I’d publish my short list of potential Comey replacements.

1. Donald Trump. Where does the Constitution say you can’t be president AND FBI Director? nowhere. Because the Constitution was written before the FBI was created. LOOPHOLE!

Instead of the bizarre, disturbing interactions we’ve seen lately between presidents and FBI directors, we’d see useless, self-serving, highly entertaining press conferences that looked like this:

2. Steve Bannon. He’s not that busy these days, and his appointment would fill DC with the sound of exploding heads.

3. Bill O’Reilly. I seriously believe it would be worth it to see America dissolve into chaos if it meant I got to experience one week of a Bill O’Reilly FBI regime. I don’t think Bill would do a good job. I don’t think he has any qualifications at all. I just think it would be funny to see the looks on people’s faces. Everyone on the left thought O’Reilly was toast. Imagine having him pop back up in a major political office with a guarantee of nearly four years of uninterrupted rule. I don’t watch Rachel Maddow, but on the night Bill got appointed, I’d be there with Jiffy Pop made and all my phones turned off.

4. Sarah Palin. Please, let it happen. And I want her to ride to the office every day on a snow machine.

5. Ann Coulter. She’s a nut; I know. That’s irrelevant. I just want to see people like Andrea Mitchell and Wolf Blitzer suppress the gag reflex while saying, “FBI Director Coulter.”

6. Franklin Graham. With a big white cross on the front of his podium. He could establish a special task force to hunt down people who cross state lines to break commandments. The hilarity could prove unsurvivable.

7. Joe Arpaio. JOE ARPAIO. Forget all the other choices. This is the one. I want to see the air conditioning go off in all our federal prisons, and I want to see Gitmo detainees in pink boxer shorts.

Let me know your choices. If you can top Arpaio, I’ll send you a case of Golden Double Stufs.

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5 Responses to “COMEY OUT”

  1. Mike Says:

    Me?
    If I were King for a day……..

    I’d last maybe an hour before they’d give the “fix”.

  2. Monty James Says:

    Don’t think there’s any topping Joe Arpaio, but here’s my attempt:

    Frivolous choices, for the purpose of cranial detonation:

    1) Paul Manafort. There’s a whole “Sopranos” vibe to that guy.
    2) Megyn Kelly. Blonde ice queen. She’s purty.
    3) Kimberly Guilfoyle. A chestnut-haired beauty. She’s purty.
    4) Ron White, the comedian. Just for the press conferences.

    Serious choices, for the purpose of watching Obama and Clinton people seek asylum in foreign countries:

    5) Mark Levin. Good chance he might break out in loud ranting.
    6) Rudolph Giuliani. He laid out a prosecutor’s case against Clinton during the campaign. This is the one I really want.
    7) Why not Steven H. Graham?

  3. Steve H. Says:

    “My name is FBI Director White. But you may call me…Tater Salad.”

  4. Heather P Says:

    Palin! Please oh please, let it be her!
    Giuliani or Arpaio would be great too, but Sarah really sets the lefty’s off! She makes them totally nuts and that would be SO MUCH fun!
    Dare we get our hopes up that Hillary would be locked up?!

  5. Ruth H Says:

    I can’t EVEN. You topped it all, I’m sitting here laughing my head off, and boy did I need that. Can’t turn on the TV’s, I cannot take the drivel.

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