See Spot Run

March 16th, 2017

Bad Dreams are Not for Me

I feel like adding something to my previous post, which was about my progress with God (perhaps more accurately, the converse).

For a number of years, I’ve been having bad dreams every night. I don’t have nightmares; just dreams I hate. Very often, I’ve found myself back in Austin, Texas, in the apartment I lived in when I was trying to get a Ph.D. in physics. I find myself there with my tools and my junk. The groceries I left behind in 1997 are still there, fresh as the day I left. I wander around the apartment, aware that I’m supposed to be back in class. It’s like I’ve gotten a second chance, and I’ve already started blowing it.

I hate that dream. Giving up on physics was a huge defeat for me. Getting my undergrad degree and getting accepted by a major department was an astounding victory, and I thought it meant failure was behind me. Then I got burned out, and nothing I did fixed the problem. On top of that, there were a few snotty, maladjusted kids in the department who wanted to see me fail (for no reason whatsoever), and I had to watch them get their wish.

I could have been a physicist. Technically, I am a physicist. I have my undergrad degree. You can’t go from a vague knowledge of algebra to grad school in under four years without the natural ability to do the job. But I couldn’t make it work. I was in rebellion. I didn’t have God’s help. I didn’t know what my weapons were. Everyone who was against me won.

It’s bad enough to have failed. Going back and reliving it hundreds of times is too much.

Here’s another dream: I’m in a big airport, similar to DFW, walking around with my bags. I never get to the gate. I just walk, past Cinnabon stalls and bookstores. Travel is fun, if you actually get somewhere. All I do is tour the terminal.

Sometimes I dream I’ve signed up for courses at the University of Miami, but for some reason, class is in session, and I’m at home. It’s halfway through the semester, and suddenly I remember I quit going to several classes I signed up for. I forgot to drop them. I wonder if I can convince the deans to let me drop them now, or if I’ll be forced to receive failing grades for courses I didn’t know I was enrolled in.

I’ve also been waking up in the morning. Usually, it happened too late to go back to sleep but early enough to result in serious sleep deprivation. I hate that. If your alarm is set for 7:30 and you wake up at 6:00, you’re done sleeping for the night. When I don’t sleep, I feel bad all day.

Weeks ago, after I woke in the night, I heard a female voice say something like, “I’ll see you again soon.” I believe a spirit was ruining my sleep, and that it was taunting me about its future visits.

For many years, I’ve had another problem. I call it “morning sickness.” Often I wake up with a sense of dread, for no reason. I think about the things I’ve been planning to do, and I feel like they’re going to end disastrously. It makes me want to cancel my plans and take the safest route possible.

Since I’ve been commanding my spirit, I haven’t awakened early. I haven’t had a single bad dream. I haven’t had morning sickness. Whatever was after me has been dispersed. That’s a huge relief.

Our lives are controlled by the supernatural. We think we accomplish things through willpower and natural ability, but that’s just pride. Sometimes the things that happen in this world are consistent with our natural expectations, but often, events make no sense at all. That shows that the supernatural is involved. Surely no one believes Kim Kardashian is rich because she’s intelligent, talented, or hard-working. No intelligent person thinks Cher or Marisa Tomei deserved Oscars, or that Barack Obama deserved a Nobel.

We ignore the supernatural and focus on our own efforts. Even Christian leaders teach us this foolishness. Almost none of them understand how things work. The Bible reminds us over and over that it’s the blessed, not the industrious, who succeed, yet we don’t listen. Spirits control us, and part of that control manifests in our unwillingness to believe the truth.

If you don’t have God on your side, you’re just hoping for the best. You’re counting on random chance to save you from the horrible things that can happen in your life. That’s how I’ve lived for most of my time on earth.

My family was constantly under attack. I was cursed. I tried to fix it myself. I failed where people of less ability succeeded.

The more I work on the supernatural side of life, the better things get. This is how I plan to spend the rest of my time here. If it doesn’t pan out, I’ll go work at Burger King. But so far it was worked much better than struggling and striving.

Night before last, I found a blue spot on my calf. It didn’t look good. It seemed irregular, and it had thick skin over part of it. Having virtually no skin pigment and having grown up in Florida, I had disturbing thoughts. There are three common kinds of skin cancer. The first two can be cured in five seconds with a can of Dr. Scholl’s wart freezing medicine from the drugstore. The third one–the one that gives you thick blue spots with irregular shapes–usually kills you.

I pulled out the supernatural weapons. I cursed and prayed and so on. Then I went to sleep. I told myself that if I had melanoma, and I couldn’t get rid of it, I would use my medical insurance and spend my last months taking whatever drugs I needed to stay comfortable, and then I would die and be glad to be gone. I refused to worry about it.

I forgot about it yesterday, and then I looked at my calf last night. There’s a pink place on my leg where the blue spot was. The thick skin is gone. I have no idea what happened, but I don’t even have a wart.

I keep asking God to help me to use supernatural tools before panicking and using my own limited power. When you feel rushed or panicked or worried, that’s not God, and it’s not reality. It’s spirits and people who are working to destroy you, planting poison in your heart and mind. I don’t want any part of that. It’s a lie.

I look forward to continuing improvements. I believe I will eventually know what it is to have some semblance of a blessed life. Whether I can take anyone with me is another question, but I know I’ll be used to try to rescue people.

Peace is available. Remember that. Don’t give up on pursuing it. Worry and fear are neither normal nor mandatory.

4 Responses to “See Spot Run”

  1. Stephen McAteer Says:

    My dreams are mostly bad too. I put it down to a mix of mild depression and anxiety, which are two sides of the same coin. (It may not help that I have a few beers most evenings too but I’m working on that…)

  2. Chris Says:

    “I’m in a big airport, similar to DFW, walking around with my bags. I never get to the gate. I just walk, past Cinnabon stalls and bookstores. Travel is fun, if you actually get somewhere. All I do is tour the terminal.”

    For years (probably about 25-30), I’ve had a variation of a dream where I keep intending to go somewhere–school, football practice, work–but get repeatedly delayed because I have to keep checking to make sure I have everything packed that I need for the day. I’ve never bothered to try and figure out what it means, other than general anxiety over not being prepared for whatever comes along.

  3. ShallNOTBeInfinged Says:

    If we could all let go and let God, the stress that’s killing most of us might also be alleviated. Thank you for sharing your experience in walking the walk. I wish I could be that strong sometimes.

  4. Steve H. Says:

    Don’t get the idea that I’m strong. God handed me a serious prayer habit, and over time I have been built up. It’s not me. You really would not want my natural strength.