Welcome to Wrinklevision”

It’s nice to be able to write about earthly things once in a while. I still live here, after all.

This week I underwent a passage of sorts. I got a real TV. What does “real TV” mean in late 2016? I admit, I’m not completely sure, but I can list a few things.

1. Flat panel
2. High definition (1080p or better)
3. Connects to Internet
4. Allows nerds to film you naked

Number four isn’t essential, but it appears to be a reality. Many TV’s have cameras in them (God only knows why), and nerds have found ways to activate them remotely. So if you’re going to walk around the house naked, wear a mask and work out. As for shutting down the microphone, you will probably have to go in a cut a wire.

If you still have a prehistoric TV with a picture tube, you’re in for a surprise when you upgrade. You’ll have to pay someone to haul your old $2000 Toshiba to the dump. No one wants a 200-pound TV with wheels, no matter how great it was back when you used it to watch [TRIGGER ALERT TRIGGER ALERT] Buffalo Bill shoot Indians. There are a few kooks out there who have uses for them, but you won’t find one. If you take it to Goodwill, they’ll tell you they don’t want it.

I was using what I thought was a huge TV to watch Youtube and a few cable shows. It has a 42″ screen, and it’s 1080p. I moved up to 55″, and the new TV has something called “Ultra 4K,” which is even more detailed than what we currently call “high definition.” It’s so detailed, you can pretty much forget about finding any programs shot in Ultra 4K. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why they sell these TV’s.

High-definition TV is already causing problems. Have you ever tuned into the HD version of your favorite news show? It’s shocking how the female newsreaders look. Remember that perfect skin? Where did it go? Actresses over the age of 30 must be losing their minds over HD. They should call it “Wrinklevision.”

The TV has Wi-Fi built in, but it doesn’t have a webcam, so I wear whatever I want, and I slouch. Why do you want Wi-Fi? Simple. It lets you connect your TV to the Internet and download video, without playing with cables.

The new TV has two remotes. Don’t ask me why. One is a tablet. It’s actually a very nice tablet. It has no cameras, so, again, I won’t be popping up on porn websites, and it has 16MB of memory. It’s bigger than my phone. It’s so big and bright, I use it to read Kindle books.

The tablet remote can be used to locate and stream Internet video. You push a little icon, and whatever you see on the remote goes to the TV.

To be honest, this feature has not been useful to me yet. I mainly watch Youtube, and if you watch Youtube, you really want a mouse. I have a cable running from the PC to the TV, and I use the TV as a monitor when I watch Youtube. Works great. But some people rely on services like Netflix, and as I understand it, the tablet is nice for that kind of video.

The main thing that makes the TV wonderful is its combination of size and resolution.

I don’t know a whole lot about shooting video, but I have come to realize that big TV’s and amateur videographers are changing our notions of how much stuff should appear on a screen at one time. I am guessing here, but presumably, when TV cameramen and directors shoot things, they have to think about the average TV screen, and they limit themselves to scenes that won’t drive viewers nuts. For example, you would not want to watch the chariot scene from Ben Hur on a 5″ screen. They must leave a lot of things out. Amateurs appear to be unaware of the limitations of viewing screens, so they pack enormous amounts of material into scenes.

When I watch a machining video, the uploader may show a huge percentage of his shop in each scene. There may be lots of things in the shot I need to see. If I stick with a 48″ screen, I’ll need to be within 8 feet of the TV to see all the good stuff well. With a 55″ screen, I can sit across the room, on the couch, and see everything clearly.

The bigger screen also increases the size of text, so if I want to go through Youtube videos and look for things I want to watch, I can read the titles. I don’t have to go to the TV and squint.

I think amateur videographers, who don’t know what they’re doing, are pushing us to bigger screens. At least those of us who watch their videos.

I said I was using the tablet to read Kindle books. Guess what? I can use the TV, too. It’s so big, I can sit on the couch with my feet up and read books comfortably. No reading glasses! I like Kindle for books I don’t care enough about to buy in paper form, and for books I can’t find anywhere else. The big screen makes reading them a pleasure. It also works for Scrib’d.

The tablet is a strange accessory, but I keep coming up with uses for it. I can check my email while I watch TV. If I see something interesting on TV, I can Google it on the tablet. Crazy.

The tablet’s Wi-Fi is much faster than the Wi-Fi on my phone and my old tablet. No idea why.

I watched a couple of high-definition movies on the TV, and while it’s considerable nicer than fuzzy low definition, it’s not overwhelming. Every once in a while, a little voice inside me says something like, “How did Ben Affleck get in my house?”, but it’s not a constant gee-whiz experience.

I haven’t tried running CAD on the big TV. I may need a new video card, because Ultra 4K sucks up a lot of processing power. I do look forward to it, though. Anything that allows me to sit a comfortable distance from my monitor is a blessing.

You’re thinking the TV cost an arm and a leg. Not really. I didn’t go for the $3000 jobs that probably have functions that would make a HAL 9000 envious. You can get Ultra 4K for way under a grand.

I’ve always thought people who had big TV’s were silly, because TV is a waste of time, but now there is finally a decent selection of worthwhile things to view, and there is a reason why a big screen makes sense, so I joined the club.

Sooner or later, as I have said for years, there won’t be phones and Internet and TV. There will just be the Internet, and it will do everything. The new TV brings me one step closer to that bizarre paradigm. In a way, it’s a disappointment, because I don’t really want cable TV premium channels, and when TV is fully integrated with the Internet, HBO and Showtime will be ubiquitous. I suppose the same will be true of the really dirty channels.

We’re all being united by a disturbing, invasive network of wires and radio waves, and privacy is a thing of the past. It’s very bad, but you can’t do anything to stop it without unplugging and basically sitting in the dark. I suppose I may want to do that eventually, but until it reaches that point, I intend to enjoy the new technology.

My TV is giving me traffic reports I didn’t ask for. Arggh. This just in: “Gloria Estefan Reacts to Castro’s Death.” Every time I pause it, it tells me things I don’t want to know, and half of it is advernews or possibly journotainment. “BREAKING NEWS: YOUR SEARCH HISTORY, CREDIT REPORT, FAMILY DOCTOR’S UNENCRYPTED FILES, CRIMINAL HISTORY, AND BANK ACCOUNT BALANCE INDICATE WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET YOU TO BUY THIS WRENCH!”

Oh well. You take the bad with the good.