Get Your Degree in Comical Groin Injuries

I can’t believe it. Technology is actually turning out to be useful to me.

When I was a kid, people ignored each other for the TV. If you went to someone’s house, the family might possibly grunt when you walked in, but that was about all you could hope for, because they preferred the TV–which was always on–to you. Now things have changed. Instead of staring at the TV all day, we stare at the phone.

People use cell phones about as wisely as they use TV. When broadcast TV became a reality, we were told it would be great for education and the arts. We would learn from it. We would see great musicians. What a crock. We watched garbage like Gilligan’s Island all day. As if we were allergic to valuable real-life experiences. As if we resented God for making our lives so long and full of potential.

Now we stare at stupid Youtube videos. Skateboarders injuring their private parts. Cats turning on the washing machine. We also play really dumb video games. We listen to stolen music. And of course, we find time for porn.

The thing is, Internet-connected phones really do have the abilty to transform our lives, IF we can quit watching girls on trampolines and the Hampsterdance for a minute.

I guess those are old references.

I’ve been trying to fix up my math and physics skills. I have a degree in general physics, a math minor, and a year and a half of grad school, which means by now I should be an only-moderately-bad physicist and mathematician, but one still equipped with about 9,000 times the mathematical skill and knowledge of a sane human being. I let my skills evaporate, so now I’m building them back up. So I can make an important contribution to the world. By building loud tube guitar amps.

Today I was studying complex analysis, and I came across hyperbolas, and I didn’t remember too much about them, so I started looking for info. Lo and behold, I found a Youtube video by a guy whose handle is Khanacademy. His name is Khan, and his mission on earth is to make a good education available to anyone who has access to Youtube. And he is far from alone.

I started watching his videos, but I realized it was horribly inconvenient to be tethered to my comfy recliner while I watched, so I decided to check him out on the cell phone I bought on Sunday. I upgraded to an Iphone-y Samsung Droid phone, which means I have a screen big enough for video. I had promised myself never to use the Internet unless I needed to send an email and request an ambulance or a Coast Guard cutter, but having the resolve of a hamster on crystal meth, I caved instantly and tapped the Youtube icon.

Minutes later, I was slouched comfortably on a sofa with some spare earbuds plugged in, watching Mr. Khan tell me all about hyperbolas, after which I got the lowdown on ordinary differential equations. It was magnificent.

He has a very good lecturing style, which doesn’t hurt.

Suddenly the idea of forking out cash for data doesn’t seem so nutty, nor does the idea of watching postage-stamp-sized video. This thing can help me redeem the time I would ordinarily waste. You know. Those times when you’re doing something monotonous that doesn’t require serious attention. Like driving on the expressway.

Okay, that was a joke. I guess. How about standing in line at the Post Office? Waiting for your car to be washed? Sweating out one of Florida Power and Light’s daily power outages?

This is really neat. If someone like Khan put videos together with a decent book, he could have a bona fide college-quality course on the web. As it is, a textbook and a Schaum outline will get you through the woods.

I’ll tell you what. If you have a PC and a cell phone and you’re still ignorant, you have no excuse at all.