Yenta Goes Viral
June 17th, 2009Even I Can do Better Than a Computer
Will someone please get Speed Date out of my life?
I have a Facebook account; don’t ask me why. I log in about once a month. Facebook has weird features called “apps” that help people annoy each other. One is called “Speed Date.” I do not understand how it works, but somehow I got signed up for it, and it likes to send me possible matches in the Miami area.
You can probably imagine how eager I am to make use of this information. If there is anything worse than an unsuitable woman you choose for yourself because you have no judgment, it’s an unsuitable woman a computer chooses for you, based on variables chosen at random, by the kind of well-adjusted males who work in the IT industry. Today’s menu item: Stestesteph. She lives in Miami and is 99 years old. I am quite sure she has been vetted thoroughly.
I keep getting these annoying matches in my email box. I thought I had deleted this “app,” but it still popped up today. I killed it again. We’ll see if it took. I killed a bunch of my apps. I was tired of waking up in the morning and finding 15 emails saying people I don’t really know had TAKEN THE “WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE DECONGESTANT” QUIZ or whatever.
It’s nice to sort of get to know people online, but the truth is, I don’t care what movies you like or whether your imaginary zombie can beat up my imaginary zombie. And I find it a little creepy when another man “Superpokes” me.
I got a couple of questionable friend requests recently, purportedly from women. One was from an English blond. In her Facebook photo, she wore a white tube top with nothing underneath. Am I a bad person for suspecting this is actually a fat guy who runs a phone sex business? Probably a grizzled Alexei Sayle lookalike who sends friend requests while lounging around in his living room, wearing only the kind of peculiar underwear European men think is normal.
Maybe it’s Alexei himself. I think times have been a little lean for him since “The Bride.”
The guys who pump out bogus Myspace and Facebook friend requests need to understand something. It has probably been 38 years since I realized that really attractive women rarely talk to me or even acknowledge my existence unless they want my money or, maybe, need me to throw water on them because they’re on fire. So when I get gushy friend requests from scantily clad girls named Brittnee or Suzee, I know immediately that I am being scammed.
If you want me to “friend” your imaginary girl, make her fiftyish and more than a little on the heavy side, and put a cat in the photo. Give her a wispy little moustache. Make her about as attractive as I am. I won’t call her for phone sex (or anything else), but I might think she’s real.
Oddly, drawing closer to God has made dealing with women less stressful, primarily by making 99% of them off-limits. I’m all done with non-Christians, and among Christians, I have no interest in the mainstream types who go to churches that preach homosexuality, watered-down Buddhism, and divestment from Israel. And since I don’t really know any women whose beliefs are compatible with mine, in practice, the pool has been reduced to a nice, relaxing zero. The big benefit there is that I get to treat women like men. I’ve often said that as far as I’m concerned, a married woman is a man; for me, she has about as much romantic potential as a hog. The more women you can exclude from your pool, the more women you can consider men. You don’t have to flirt or pretend they’re interesting. You don’t have to lend them money or do favors you wouldn’t do for men. You never have to dance or be subjected to dance music; that’s a huge blessing. You can dress comfortably and inexpensively. You can drive a plain white pickup truck with very few options. Seeing women this way really clarifies your thinking and streamlines your life.
It probably makes bad matches way less likely, too. The more you struggle to make yourself attractive, the less you are yourself. You can’t spend your whole life holding in your gut and pretending you care about whales and that you like Kenny G. I think you’re better off if the woman who chooses you (that’s how life really works) knows what she’s actually getting. And the marriage won’t be based on the sick, destructive idea that she is entitled to tell you what to be. In a relationship, the man is supposed to be the authority. How can you be in charge and do what’s right if you arrange your whole life to suit your partner’s highly dubious notions? If Adam were still alive, he’d have a lot to say about that.
I am wearing $15 cargo shorts and a $5 softball shirt I bought online. I buy lots of these shirts because they’re cheap and comfortable and reduce my sun exposure; I’d say I wear them four days out of every week. I’m about to go put on the great $39 tennis shoes I bought this weekend. I quit putting crap in my hair quite some time ago, and I threw out my stupid-looking upscale sunglasses, replacing them with polarized Ray-Ban aviators. My next car will be a cheap truck. I live in a fashionable city that attracts shallow people, but sooner or later I’m going to get out of here and get a place outside a town where there are still lots of peeling Bush stickers on the cars. At this point, if God wants me to have a wife, he is going to have to have an angel bring her to me tied to a handtruck.
If I pop up in your Speed Date emails, click “ignore.” It has to be a computer glitch.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:33 AM
I don’t know why they even have those emails. Mine get filtered straight to their own folder for quick deleting. No need to even read them.
June 17th, 2009 at 11:42 AM
“The more you struggle to make yourself attractive, the less you are yourself.”
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Yep. The rules of courting seem more like a game to me these days. Then, when they get ‘married’ … or whatever people call it these days, they let it all hang out and you realize that you’ve made a connection with a stranger that you never knew.
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Also – in the limited experience that I have had (thank you very much…), having sex changes the relationship entirely; and again you are faced with a woman that you no longer recognize due to the way she treats you (and the expectations that come along with it.
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Thats where I am an advocate of friends first – and for very long time. Celibacy – if possible – until after marriage. I try to watch how she treats other people as that is probably closer to how I would be treated when the long term relationship cools down and the major killer of marriages – boredom & taking the other for granted – kicks in.
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Yea, its probably a receipe for staying single for the rest of my life, but it is better than the hells I have witnessed for both men and women.
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” I think you’re better off if the woman who chooses you …. knows what she’s actually getting.”
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Yep, the women do the choosing. So true. But you are doing her a BIG favor by not giving her a false image of who you are.
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Nice post, Steve.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:28 PM
[…] The Hog confronts the information revolution. I have a Facebook account; don’t ask me why. I log in about once a month. Facebook has weird features called “apps” that help people annoy each other. One is called “Speed Date.” I do not understand how it works, but somehow I got signed up for it, and it likes to send me possible matches in the Miami area. […]
June 17th, 2009 at 2:15 PM
The angel and the handtruck idea is cute, but have you ever considered that the Lord might lead her to you at church?
You just never know what the Lord has planned for you Steve.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:49 PM
I got Facebook and Twitter and all that crap and all I find it to be is noise for people too shallow and vain or intellegent to do real blogging. I write two blogs (actually one and one half because I’m neglecting my cooking blog) and that’s all I have time to worry about and all the information I want to reveal about myself.
Why Twitter a spastic thought every thirty seconds from a data phone or your keyboard? And what could you possibly say in so few words without any thought that could mean anything to anyone but possibly your mother or some disconnected stalker/pervert?
Is it just me?
Regarding Miss Right…She might show up at your garage door with a Mill on a handtruck…wouldn’t that be scary?
June 17th, 2009 at 3:12 PM
The funny thing is – the less interested I am in all those women, the more they are interested in me. Puzzling.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:27 PM
What I want to know is, how can I find a Proverbs 31 woman rather than a Proverbs 21:9 woman.
–Brad
June 17th, 2009 at 5:00 PM
I’m thinking in line with Heather.
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The closest thing to a stocked pond for you is a woman who feels comfortable in the same churches you do.
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The handtruck may have delivered to a pew a few rows behind you.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:05 PM
Yep, that’s one of the problems with going to church, and getting to know people there. You might find a keeper, after she finds you.
Christian church singles groups are often “meet markets” (yeah I meant “meet”). But there are Christian women who are not looking, just like you are not looking, and find.
My wife is not the only woman I know who “met her match” after giving up looking and waiting on the Lord.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:09 PM
I get those friend requests too. I delete them after having a good laugh with my wife.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:56 PM
Seconding Aaron (and Heather) by adding that you have to be open to the idea that God could bring the right woman your way. I kind of doubt He’ll deliver her like a new tool for your garage, though.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:16 PM
All true stuff Steve but what do you do if your prayers are answered and that nice christian girl is muslim?
June 17th, 2009 at 11:38 PM
Steve,
Just out of curiosity, what qualifies as “watered-down Buddhism”? Vegetarianism? Transcendental Meditation? Reincarnation? Or something else? Who is teaching this? I do own a hand truck and probably some duct tape, but I’m not sure what exactly to do with it.
–Brad
June 18th, 2009 at 12:03 AM
Yes, Ed. My daughterinlaw became engaged to my son about 30 seconds after she swore off men, dating and the whole miserable thing. It was kind of funny really. Actually, I introduced them. Busy, busy, busy.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:51 AM
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING!!?? Don’t tell him about church women! You might scare him away! A man can only take so much change at a time.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:51 AM
Everyone pray: “Please don’t throw Steve in the Briar Patch.”
June 18th, 2009 at 9:26 AM
There are certainly a plethora of single women at any given church.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:59 PM
[…] Last but not least, Steve writes about the most annoying Facebook application, Speed date. Even when I didn’t subscribe […]
June 19th, 2009 at 1:04 AM
Hey a non-Christian just broke up with me over some total BS! It hurt, but I’m relieved to be allowed get back in God’s line.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:04 AM
“Hey a non-Christian just broke up with me over some total BS!”
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Hi Baldilocks!
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Being ‘done’ with a relationship doesn’t require an excuse. The ‘excuse’, no matter how lame, is for the audience s(he) is playing to so that there is enough damage control that s(he) is not ostracized (and to build his/her case).
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My brother-in-law was ‘done’ with his marriage to my sister quite a few years ago and it showed in his poor behaviors towards her through the years. She continued to try to make it work while he set up for a divorce which was finalized this spring (hedged heavily in his favor). One thing I’ve learned from this situation is that charm is far more powerful than truth.
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Going for a Christian (or Jewish) guy is a great idea. If there is any advice I’d give (which… I know you didn’t ask for… 😉 ) it would be this: I’d watch what he does and not what he says.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:21 AM
Sorry to hear it. But you know how it is. You would have been pulling in different directions.
I think dating outside the religion can be a little like idolatry, because you can find yourself in a position where you are serving your partner in preference to God.
June 28th, 2009 at 12:17 PM
I somehow got signed up for speed date too, I don’t know how, but I deal with it the easy way, auto-delete. If only all of life’s problems were so easily solved.
These days it seems the men in my age bracket want only the young girls on Miami beach to look pretty on their arms.