So Let it be Written, so Let it be Done

I do not want to sign up for your cool updates and offers, especially when you sign me up without permission. When I am forced to opt out, I do not want to be asked why I left. Please don’t tell me you’re sorry to see me go. No human being was ever aware I was there in the first place.

I do not want to be part of your cool new community, or worse, “family,” and neither does anyone else. I do not want to interact with you or other users. I do not want other users to know I exist.

If people wanted to associate with you, they would have talked to you when you were in high school, which they did not, because you are nerds.

I do not want a password on the hardware you sold me. I do not care if someone hacks into my Gopro or wireless printer. If your stupid software insists on a password, do not tell me what kind of password it has to be. Allow me to use “1,” which is my all-time favorite. Please do not put a long, complicated initial password with a lot of numbers and capital letters on the product you sold me and then put the password on a tiny label on the bottom of the product in microprint.

Please do not print your serial numbers in fonts only an ant can read.

Please put your software on disks (in the box) AND online, don’t even think about charging me for downloading it, do not put a bunch of junk in it no one wants, and do not make me fill out any forms in order to get it.

Include all the necessary cables. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

Do not force me to upgrade my firmware or software before using the product. I don’t care if it understands the latest emojis or gets along well with Tiktok. Last year’s stuff is fine.

If your product is a printer, do not write your software so it tries to sell me your toner cartridges and lies and says they’re better than the other ones. I do not want the $100 cartridges. I want the $17 cartridges from China which work just as well, and I am willing to hack your printer in able to use them, because using someone else’s toner isn’t stealing.

Do not include “lite” software which does not work but hits me with ads for the real software I have to pay extra for.

Do not cover your package with ridiculous bragging about how green it is. I do not care. It’s going to the same dumpster, where I will mingle the plastic, styrofoam, cardboard and staples without remorse. For all I care, you can spray your boxes with dioxin and use plutonium staples along with cellophane that has been rubbed all over Ebola patients. Just get your product to me without damage.

Just knock it off, okay? Just sell me what I want, make it quick to start using it, and buzz off.