ALPS!

The world of tourism is possibly weirder than ever before.

My wife and I meet in foreign countries while we wait for Uncle (or is it “Aunt”?) Sam to allow her to join me here in the Forbidden Country of Coronavirus Hysteria and Rewarding Illegal Aliens. We had to go to Egypt and Turkey last year because we could not go where we wanted to go, and in March, we visited Ireland. Also because we could not go where we wanted to go.

The Egyptians were great, but the country is insane and really dirty. The Turks were great, and I don’t have any qualifying remarks to add. The Irish were great, but I didn’t want to go to their country, and it turned out to be a better place to live than to visit.

Where did we really want to go? Israel. Unfortunately, Israel, which relies heavily on tourism, punishes people who intend to do evil things such as traveling there and spending a lot of money. They had a long period of extremely neurotic bans and bureaucratic hoops, and as of now, they want Rhodah to ship her passport to Pretoria on the off chance they might see their way clear to allowing us to help finance their embattled nation’s success.

We decided to shoot for Italy and Greece because policies changed and getting her a visa started to look possible. Italy has an embassy in Zambia, and they also do Greece.

Did we actually want to go to Italy or Greece? Well, sure, but they’re not Israel or Switzerland, my top two foreign destinations. And we didn’t want to visit Italy or Greece during hot months. I would make an exception for Israel because it’s dry and because I really like Israel.

Anyway, we are getting her a visa now. We are pretty sure. The Italians assure us we will get it.

Trying to arrange this trip has been a miserable process, as evinced by the fact that it’s July and we are still not abroad. Well, Rhodah is always abroad, being a foreigner, but you know what I mean.

We unintentionally annoyed the Italians by making mistakes, so we are going to have to present our case a second time. It has been nearly impossible to get information from them except when they’re mad at us, so we have been in the dark about the way European visas work. In the US, I can call the Italian embassy and get someone to talk to me, I would guess, but in Zambia, when you contact them, you get confusing emails and an appointment a month or so out, so you do your best with the limited knowledge you have.

It may be that they are very busy. Maybe they’re understaffed because of coronavirus. In any case, you can’t just stroll in unannounced and ask questions.

We have managed to glean some information which may help other people, so I’ll write about it.

We were under the impression that when you visit Europe, you have to get a visa from the country where your plane lands. We thought we would be limited to one or two countries. We thought it would also be impossible to go through other countries by train or whatever. All these beliefs are wrong.

Visas for individual EU countries don’t exist any more. Actually, not EU countries, but Schengen Area countries. The Schengen Area is nearly the same thing as the EU. If, say, Estonia lets you visit, you can hop on a train in…whatever the capital of Estonia is…and go to Paris or Vienna or any other Schengen location.

This was not true during the height of the covid insanity, because there were special rules, but it’s generally true, and it’s true now.

So why do we have to apply to Italy?

We have applied to other Schengen nations, and they turned us down for really bad reasons. We considered Switzerland, and we found out they really torture visa applicants. It’s easier to get clearance to launch nuclear missiles. We were led to believe Italy was more cooperative, and it’s also a great place to visit.

Schengen countries have an official policy: when you go to Europe, you have to apply to the nation where you will spend the most time. They do this to make life easier on themselves. I don’t quite understand it, but I think they may be trying to discourage people from using cooperative embassies in places like Latvia to get into highly desirable illegal alien destinations like Liechtenstein.

Supposedly, Estonia is the most malleable country when it comes to visas, and people know this because Internet. I guess they and other easy countries don’t want to be flooded with applicants who are really going to Germany or France, hence the policy.

Having irritated the Italians with our ignorance, we continued studying the visa game, and we learned that we can visit other excellent and relatively cool (in terms of temperature) destinations with a visa granted by Italy. As great as Greece is, it’s hot, so we have abandoned it, and we are now planning to do France and Switzerland on the way to Italy.

This is a dream come true. Three top tourism nations in one trip.

I would never go back to Egypt except maybe for another Nile cruise and a weekend in Cairo. IN COOL WEATHER, not another 115-degree summer. I could see doing that for nostalgic reasons in a few years, but overall, Egypt is a destination with problems. I would go back to Turkey, but it’s not a huge priority. I would not go back to Ireland unless I wanted to emigrate and they offered me permanent residency, because moving there is more appealing than visiting. France, Switzerland, and Italy are on another level.

It looks like we will be visiting three places I’ve already been, which is fine with me. When you’ve been to a lot of fantastic destinations you know you can trust, visiting new places is overrated. We are also going to Rome, which I somehow managed to miss in the past.

What if we decide to change our plans? It can be done, but the Europeans don’t like it. If you say you’re going to Poland, for example, they want you to go to Poland, even though there are no border checks and you can go anywhere you want.

I wouldn’t want some European to look at Rhodah’s passport the next time we apply, compare the stamps to the things we told the Italians, and find out we went to Austria and Holland and avoided Italy entirely. What if they keep tabs on such things? We plan to make them as happy as possible with our cooperation. But I have a feeling they wouldn’t check.

Now you know how it works. You have to apply to the country where you will spend the most time. You can go to other countries once you arrive. The Europeans want you to keep your word. Whether breaking it will cause problems, I can’t say.

I watched some informative Youtubes about Switzerland today. I almost fell into a trance. I love that place. I wish I could move there. It’s hard to believe heaven itself is more beautiful. The food is good. The people aren’t running around tearing down statues and throwing urine on the police. Capitalism reigns. The economy is stellar. The weather is wonderful. Even the winter weather is nice compared to what much of the US gets.

The Swiss are great at absolutely everything, except probably driving, because their speed limits are pathetic. Everything they make is top-notch. Their houses, buildings, towns, and cities are beautiful.

Of course, Switzerland would be ruined if people like me moved there. My wild Appalachian Scots-Irish-derived approach to life would contaminate the order and offend the Swiss, with considerable justification.

I didn’t grow up in Appalachia, but my people came from there, and the sick parts of the culture have tainted my nature. If I were Swiss, I wouldn’t want people like me to move there. I would disrupt the perfection. “He returned a library book three days late? This cannot happen!”

What can you say about Italy? When most people think of the Renaissance, other countries don’t even enter their minds. For example, they don’t know Shakespeare was a Renaissance figure. Art reached its peak in Italy in the 1400’s, and since then, it has all been downhill. Italy also produced Galileo and pizza.

Maybe there is no point in mentioning anything but pizza. It’s so great, the Renaissance looks silly in the same discussion. It’s like saying, “I finally got my doctorate in astrophysics, and also, I made a mud pie.”

I think Italians are the Southerners of Europe. More full of life than the French and Germans. Better able to enjoy their time on Earth.

I would say Italy stands out because of the ruins of Rome, but Rome is everywhere in Europe because it was an empire, not a country. There are functioning Roman baths in England. In a town named Bath, as a matter of fact.

Paris is one of the prettiest cities in the world, and the French are insanely serious about their cooking. The museums can’t be beat. The people can be annoying, because their reputation for rudeness is based in fact, but you have to blow that off and keep going. And not all of them are rude.

France helped us get our independence, while the British, who are supposedly our best buds, were busy doing the opposite. Our close relationship with England is based largely on misconceptions and people’s opinions of Richard Dawson and Mary Poppins, who, thanks to our leftist-controlled educational system, most Americans believe to be a real person.

I truly hope we please the Italians and get a visa, because they made us to buy plane tickets before they would even rule on our application, and if we can’t use the tickets, that money is gone forever. They claim we will make it.

Maybe this blog entry will help other travelers. I hope so, because there is very little other material of use on the web.