Biscuit Victory Marred by Chicken FAIL

Has the civil war started? The news says a man in Pennsylvania walked out of his house and fired shots at demonstrators, hitting one in the face and inflicting a non-life-threatening wound.

The coverage is predictable. The stories say little is known about the incident, yet some outlets are proclaiming the protestors “peaceful” nonetheless. “We don’t know what happened. We don’t know the facts. And the protestors were peaceful.” Looks like cognitive dissonance to me. Or course, I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know the facts, so I may be wrong.

America is doing exactly what countries are supposed to do when they abandon God. It’s sliding into chaos because we do what we think is right instead of what God tells us is right. We cut ourselves off from our father, so we are living the lives of fatherless punks. Fatherless punks don’t know how to behave, and they get no inheritance.

Oh, well. How about another topic? I choose biscuits.

I’ve learned a few things about flour over the last few weeks. First of all, you don’t need bread flour to make bread. Some kinds of bread need high-gluten flour, but others don’t. The type of bread that surprised me is the baguette. You would think a crusty, airy loaf of bread would have to be made with bread flour, but it’s not true. Baguettes should be made with flour that is lower in gluten. That’s not my opinion. It’s the opinion of people unlike me who make prizewinning baguettes.

Today I learned that biscuit flour is the wrong flour for biscuits.

Yesterday I decided to fry chicken. I cut up a bird and put it in the fridge in a mixture of orange juice, salt, garlic, and tarragon. This morning I fried it in peanut oil and lard. Before I did this, I went online and got expert advice. I did what they said to do, and the chicken was not very good.

I think the single most important thing to do when you fry chicken is to find a small bird. I couldn’t find one smaller than about 6 pounds. That’s way too big. By the time the inside is done, the outside is too brown.

My dad represented Holly Farms, the chicken company. They sold chickens to KFC. One of the managers told him KFC required very small birds. My dad thought the purpose was to cheat customers by selling small chickens by the piece. This was probably true, but they also cook up better.

I don’t know where I’m supposed to find small chickens. Maybe it’s not possible. People in this area are not overly sophisticated, and they seem to be inclined to eat things that come out of boxes and bags. Maybe there is no market for fryers here.

I guess I can kill squirrels and forget chickens. Squirrels are actually better.

I could not fry chicken without making biscuits. When I looked at my flour supply, I was dismayed to see that I was nearly out of biscuit flour. I decided to use bread flour. How bad could it be? I also decided to give up on putting butter in my dough. I usually mix butter and bacon grease, half and half, but butter ruins the texture.

I flopped the dough onto the counter and folded it 4 or 5 times with my hands to put layers into it. They say working biscuit dough too much makes biscuits tough. I have never had a tough biscuit in my life, so that information appears to be wrong. I cut the biscuits out, greased and salted the tops, and baked them at 450°. They were very good. The texture was perfect. I’m going to quit using biscuit flour. I think it’s a mistake.

Now it looks like I’m in a position where I need bread flour so I can make biscuits, and I need biscuit flour so I can make bread. Go figure.

I know the biscuits were good because I could not quit eating them. It’s easy to lie to yourself about things you cook, but the dishes you can push away are bad, and the ones you absolutely have to finish are good. You can count on that.

I still have like 4 pounds of very mediocre fried chicken. Maybe it will be better cold. I can pull it off the bone and make chicken salad. The birds will enjoy the chicken as it is. This morning they each got a small piece, along with a biscuit fragment and gravy.

That’s the news from Free Trumpistan. Enjoy your day.