Bucktoothed Tree Terrorists Must Pay

February 2nd, 2018

Squirrel Party Time is Over

I am a hunter now.

The great thing about calling yourself a hunter is that you don’t have to accomplish anything in order to justify it. All you have to do is take a gun and sit in the woods for a while. This is pretty much what I did.

The word “hunter” doesn’t imply success of any type.

I don’t like squirrels because they plant live oak trees and because I fully expect them to eat the berries from the bushes I’ve planted. I remember how they used to cut mangoes off my trees in Miami, just to hear them hit the ground. And they annoy me when I drive; I have trained myself not to take my foot off the gas. A while back I decided to get a revenge hunting license and see if I could make a dent in the local population.

Yesterday, I went out in the woods in the afternoon and sat in a clearing with no gun. I just wanted to see what the squirrel situation was. I heard barking all over the place. It was a squirrel-bark symphony. I saw a couple of squirrels climbing in the trees. I figured it wouldn’t be too hard to nail some in the future.

Today I went back, and I learned that squirrels can tell when you’re hunting. I didn’t hear a bark for an hour and a half. Little creeps.

I sat on a downed tree for a while and waited. I heard a noise to my left. I looked, and a squirrel was on a tree trunk about 20 feet away in the x direction and 20 feet up in the y direction.

Years of math have affected the way I express myself. Be glad I didn’t use spherical polar coordinates.

Okay. R(squirrel) = 23.5. Theta = pi/4. Phi = pi/4. Satisfied?

I probably could have nailed the squirrel, but I would have been shooting upward, and I was holding a .22. A rifle slug will go a long way after missing a squirrel. I didn’t feel like spending the evening telling the Florida Highway Patrol why I shot out a window a mile away, so I let the rodent flee.

I know I should use a shotgun, but man, I love rifles. I like accurate shooting. Where is the pleasure in using birdshot? Anyone can shoot, when the projectiles cover half a steradian (sorry).

It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know how to dispose of the body. I had a plastic trash bag with me in case I hit anything, but even if I had used it, I would have had to get on the web to get instructions. I know about cutting the leg joints and cutting the head off and all that, but how much time do you get? And what are you supposed to use to do the cutting? Not my nice pocket knife! No way! How would I get it clean enough to put it back in my pocket?

When I was a kid, I shot rabbits in Kentucky. Here’s how I dealt with the meat: I handed the dead rabbits to my grandmother. That option is no longer available.

Once your squirrel is butchered, how do you clean your hands? You can’t just grab your gun with fingers covered with blood, poop, bile, and squirrel pee.

Maybe I need to take a backpack with disposable gloves. Seems a little precious, though.

I may try again tomorrow. The squirrels are taunting me, and I find their behavior inexcusable.

6 Responses to “Bucktoothed Tree Terrorists Must Pay”

  1. Og Says:

    Squirrel is pretty good to eat. YouTube videos show you how to clean it. The meat is seriously tough so it’s a slow cooker thing. But even if you’re not interested in eating them, MEPS the fishing lure company buys the tails. If you go to their website they will tell you how to prepare them. Once you sold a few you can officially tell people you are a professional Hunter selling game for money.

  2. Ruth H Says:

    The best thing to do with a dead squirrel is bury it. Just carry one of those little folding shovel thingys, dig a hole about 6 inches deep, drop squirrel in, cover. Repeat as often as necessary.

  3. Tondelayo B Says:

    How about some tiny headstones? I know where you can get some with heartfelt inscriptions.

  4. Thomas Doan Says:

    Look into a Marauder pellet gun, much fun and accurate. I use the french technique of a 1/2 hour boil in aromatics 1/2 hour finishing roast in the oven, comes out like duck, yum.

  5. Jason Says:

    Bury those suckers – maybe they’ll grow in to something? I agree with an accurate pellet gun – you could sit all day and drop them and not have to worry too much about stray shots. Or maybe a good slingshot and some steel shot? That would be a blast!

  6. Steve B Says:

    User “stinger” .22s. Bout tears ’em in half.

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