I’m not Actually Allowed to Say “Nuthouse”

If I could send a letter to heaven, it might say something like this:

Dear Mom:

Hi from earth. I’m glad you’re in heaven, but I wish I could five more years with you, to treat you better. Life down here is interesting.

Donald Trump just got elected president. No, really. Also, homosexual marriage has been recognized legally for several years, and if a Christian baker refuses to make a gay wedding cake, he can be fined hundreds of thousands of dollars and have his business destroyed.

Do you remember Bruce Jenner? The guy on the Wheaties box? He has been castrated. He paid a doctor to do it. He didn’t have cancer. He just thinks he’s a woman. I know how crazy that sounds. The really weird part is that the medical establishment backs him up. There are a lot of people like him now. If you’re a man, you can just decide you’re a woman, and they have to let you go into women’s bathrooms and locker rooms and undress in front of little girls. You don’t even have to have surgery or shave your beard.

I’m not joking. Ask Jesus.

I read that Bruce is worried that heterosexual men won’t want to date him. I don’t know what to say about that, except that I think his fears are well-founded.

Remember Sonny and Cher? Remember their little blonde daughter Chastity? She says she’s a man now. She had her breasts amputated. Cher was always a full-throttle leftist, but she flipped out when she found out Chastity was a lesbian. I guess the whole thing seemed more appealing when it was other people’s kids.

The North Koreans have nuclear missiles now. They don’t work very well, but they keep working on them. Remember how Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter let them have nuclear reactors and said they were only going to be used for peaceful purposes? That worked out about as well as I expected.

The guy who ran North Korea died, but his son is in charge, and he’s just as deranged. He’s threatening to nuke us right now. Trump is trying to do something about it, but don’t be surprised if you see a sudden wave of new arrivals from the West Coast, Japan, and South Korea in a year or two.

The government takes all our emails now and stores them. They say it’s to prevent terrorism. In 2001, Muslims flew two jets into the World Trade Center and murdered 3000 people. Since then, Americans have completely abandoned the notion that they’re supposed to be free, except when it comes to strange sex acts, obscenity, abortion, and drugs. We do whatever the government wants. For a long time, we had x-ray machines in airports, and they took naked pictures of us as we were headed for our planes. I am totally serious. We still have uneducated security officers putting their hands all over travelers, including their crotches.

The government also keeps records of all our phone calls, without warrants. They have computers to make transcripts and check them to see if we say things the government doesn’t like. It kind of makes you wonder why we sent 405,000 men to die in World War Two. We thought we were fighting for the Bill of Rights, but we’ve given it up in exchange for fancy portable phones and safety from terrorist attacks, so I suppose it would have been smarter to let the Nazis take over without a fight. The end result would have been similar in many ways. We did help end the Holocaust, though.

Our phones have cameras in them now, and the government can turn the phones on without our consent. They can listen to us and film us. How about that?

Our highways have lots of cameras on them, and many also have mysterious sensors every half-mile. We have things in our cars that tell the government when we pass through toll gates, and the government keeps the records of where we go. Cop cars have cameras that read our license plates all day and check them against government databases. No one seems to mind.

Public nudity is legal in many places now, and many people seem obsessed with it. You can go to a parade in a big American city and see naked men walking around. There are lots of very vocal women agitating for the right to go around topless, although no one has managed to explain why this is necessary. Some are doing some really gross things involving confronting the public with their monthly biological cycles. I am too embarrassed to elaborate. It won’t be too long before sane people and their kids are only safe in their own houses. I think that’s the goal, though. To drive us out of public places.

Cash is disappearing. We pay for everything using credit cards, bank cards, and even our cell phones. It won’t be long until the government convinces us cash has to be abolished. When that happens, I don’t know how we’ll be able to hide wealth or keep it out of the government’s hands. If they get mad at us, they’ll be able to find all the money we have and freeze it instantly. I’m sure they would never do that, though. Not unless they had a really good reason. We can always trust the government.

I hope that last part made you laugh.

Here’s something interesting: Satanists are putting statues and other stuff up on public property. If you’re a Satanist, and you complain enough, you may be able to put a statue of Satan up at a courthouse. Can you imagine what would have happened if someone had done that when you were a kid?

Creepy false religions are doing very well, but Christians have a lot of problems. Anyone who won’t renounce God’s condemnation of homosexuality is pretty much ineligible for a high-profile secular job. They call us “homophobes.” You don’t have to be an activist to get in trouble. Just sitting in the back of a church will get you canned.

The latest Pope is a socialist. Not a big surprise, I guess. Catholicism is what it is. He is constantly criticizing conservatives, gun makers, capitalists, and anyone who believes in secure borders. Oddly, he lives in a palatial fortress which is also a country, and it has a huge wall around it. The people who guard him carry machine guns. I assume he is aware of this.

The Confederate flag is gone now. When you were still here, as you know, a lot of Southerners used it as a symbol to show they loved the South. There were even black people who liked it. About two years ago, a strange spell fell on people, and we instantly decided there was no difference between a Confederate flag and a swastike. I know you will find that hard to believe. You can’t have one on a car tag or a T-shirt now, unless you want to have all sorts of problems. If a kid wears a shirt like that to high school now, he will be sent home and suspended. And all this happened almost overnight. It makes you wonder what else can happen that fast. Next time it may be the cross.

White people are under attack these days. Colleges teach courses about the “problem” of whiteness. I guess next they’ll be talking about the White Question and the Final Solution. The weird thing is that this is happening while we’re in the majority, and we’re participating in it. Thank God everyone else is perfect, right? I think the rest of the world would miss us if we disappeared. Judging by what goes on in places where there aren’t many of us, I mean.

We can’t complain. If you complain, society labels you racist. Which is a little weird, since a complaint would be a response to racism. Do you remember the “political correctness” craze of the Eighties, and how funny it was, and how Americans laughed about it when it was over? It’s back, and this time, no one is laughing. This time, it’s here to stay. Everyone is offended, all the time, and society assumes that anyone who is offended is right except for Christians, men, conservatives, and white people. Strangest thing I’ve ever seen.

Fighting won’t help, but then you know that, because you know God’s heart. Fighting is carnal, and it makes things worse. The answer is to turn back to God and get his help, but we are not going to do that. We have more faith in Donald Trump than Jesus Christ. Trump is very angry and forceful, so he makes a lot of Christians feel like they’re winning. We love our secular messiahs. They fight for us and don’t expect us to change.

Quite honestly, I would like to join you soon. I enjoy life, but people like me are being painted into a corner. Every day is like a little Kristallnacht. There is no future for us here. Things are going to get worse and worse, and the most disgusting, cruel people on earth are going to be in charge of us.

I think about the Jews who left Europe in the Thirties. They were the smart ones. I would do the same thing, but we only have one planet! Where would I go? My plan is to move somewhere safer than Miami and hope I am allowed to come see you before things get too bad.

We still haven’t found a way to extend human life, but people keep trying, and they think they’re getting closer. What on earth is wrong with them? Seventy years in this place are enough, don’t you think?

It must be nice up there. Perfect health (you must look younger than I do) and safety. No hateful, ignorant people spitting at God all the time. No disagreement. No one forcing you to say perversion is a virtue. No one forcing you to call men women. No one coming into your country with hostile intentions and demanding to be allowed to stay. If there’s one place that has secure borders, it’s heaven!

I miss you, but I’m glad your sentence–your tour of duty–is over. You weren’t treated well, and you never got the things you should have received. I wouldn’t bring you back to this place for a billion dollars. I’m glad you’re surrounded by love, and that the people and spirits who mistreated you can’t reach you or even communicate with you.

Thanks for all you did for me. I finally appreciate it.