The News, Condensed

December 21st, 2016

In Summary, You Should Just Die

I’ve been looking at news sites on the Internet a lot this year, and I have some information for people who want to skip the effort and reap the benefit.

1. You are obligated to find fat women attractive. It is not a matter of choice. You DO find them attractive, even if they’re not. If you say you have a problem with this, people should use filthy, insulting language to help you get over it.

2. It’s a good thing when a woman exposes her breasts in a restaurant, because asking her to put a thin piece of cloth over them while she breastfeeds is oppression, sort of like…no, EXACTLY like…forced genital mutilation. Also, breasts have nothing to do with sex. That may surprise some women and result in the rewriting of a number of sex manuals.

3. Principals and teachers who correct girls who go to school dressed like sluts need to be “shut down,” and a really good mother will respond with an obnoxious Facebook tirade, preferably with a photo of herself dressed in slutwear. Corollary: even though every type of sexual sin is good, boys who look at girls dressed like sluts are oppressors and need to be shamed relentlessly.

4. If Donald Trump said or did it, it is very, very bad.

5. The proper term for a person who doubts the climate is changing due to human activity is the same term you use for someone who pretends Auschwitz didn’t happen: “denier.” It is not necessary to respond with facts. Deniers are close-minded, but people who insult them and refuse to listen to them are open-minded.

6. It was very, very important for electors to betray their states and vote against Trump, even though he would have won anyway, because the vote would have gone to the House of Representatives. Who are you to argue with an actor from M*A*S*H?

7. When an actress or model or reality TV bimbo wears something skimpy, it’s an important news story.

8. White people need to shut up while everyone else explains why we are the cause of every evil in the world, including evils that occur in places like China and Africa. “Whiteness” is like a form of criminal insanity, and it should be treated, but it can’t, so just suffer and hate yourself until you die. Corollary: every cruel thing people who are not white do or say to white people is good.

9. KARDASHIANS!!!! LOOK!!!! KARDASHIANS!!!

10. It’s great when a hunter gets death threats, dies, suffers a gruesome injury or gets cancer. No sane person questions this or sees anything wrong with celebrating.

11. Your sexual orientation is forced on you from before birth, but you can choose your actual sex at will, and it’s a great day for America when a male sex offender can walk into any locker room or rest room he wants and expose his genitals to young girls.

Saved you a lot of reading.

7 Responses to “The News, Condensed”

  1. Heather P Says:

    Yep, pretty much!
    You should have posted it earlier so I could have saved myself from reading/watching! 😉

  2. Steve B Says:

    From what I’ve read out there, I think you pretty much summed it up.

    You could add, “If you are a minority, it’s not your fault. You are a victim and should demand reparations and special privilege. Even though “privilege” is apparently a bad thing if it’s for white people.”

    Or maybe, “Devout religious belief can be characterized as mental illness, while considering yourself ‘gender fluid’ is a sign of liberation and enlightenment.”

  3. Steve H. Says:

    We are being put in a position where we feel pressured to speak up and defend white people from the insane racist attacks we’re experiencing.

    Then we’re “white supremacists,” so we get hammered for THAT.

    I wish people would think about the genocide in places like China and Uganda and ask themselves what white people had to do with it. We did not invent or even perfect evil.

  4. Nick Says:

    With what I’ve read, it appears to me the vast majority of columns insinuate that white people are too dumb (or ignorant, maybe both) to understand much of anything. Then in the next sentence white people mastermind genocide, control the economy (with bad intent, never good intent) and create dastardly plans for [fill in the blank].

    Either way, I read every day that white people are yucky.

    Wonderful world we live in.

  5. Steve H. Says:

    We identify with our flawed ethnic groups and nationalities instead of identifying with the family of God.

  6. Scott P Says:

    Wow. You’ve distilled 85% of the internet down to one page. Well done.

  7. Steve H. Says:

    Yes, I am grateful for the gift that allowed me to perform this crucial service. My life has not been wasted.