My Telephone Circle Becomes Less Diverse

I guess I’ll sound giddy and foolish for saying this at my advanced age, but here I go: I’m in love.

I just upgraded from DSL to cable Internet access.

For years, Comcast bugged me to get rid of my old landline/DSL provider and add their service to my cable package. I told them to get lost, because I knew that traditional phone lines were way more reliable after hurricanes. The cable people used to take forever to get back on their feet, but the phone company either stayed in service or recovered fast.

I’m working to get out of this area now, so I don’t think I’ll be here for the next hurricane season. I don’t care if the lines come down. I moved over to Comcast, and I’ll be saving a pile.

It had to be done. I was getting like 4,000 telemarketer calls every day. I didn’t actually count them, but it definitely felt like 4,000. “Hello? You need diaper? You diabetic? We have supply for you!” It was killing me.

Internet and wireless companies are great about squashing telemarketers. A genius who was tired of robocalls invented a system that routes all of a person’s voice calls through a screening system that checks them against a blacklist. He named his company Nomorobo. If a caller is on the list, the call doesn’t go through. Unfortunately, landline companies aren’t that great about working with Nomorobo. I had to make a switch in order to be eligible for the service.

I talked to a phone company rep, and she didn’t even know what robocalls were. My best guess: she has no landline. She and I live in different universes.

I don’t really understand the no-landline crowd. Cell phones are unreliable. They drop calls. You can’t have extensions, so you have to carry the phone everywhere you go. You have to keep your phone on all the time in case of emergencies. The timing of cell calls is messed up; when you talk to people, you step on each other’s words. I have to have a landline. The cell is just for moving around.

Anyway, when I changed my phone service, I had to change my Internet service as well. The speed difference is incredible.

I didn’t know I needed more speed until I had it. Sales people used to call me all the time, bragging about their Internet speeds. I didn’t care. I don’t steal movies or music, I think video games are for metrosexual punks with saggy pants, and I don’t like Netflix, so why would I need fast Internet? I was happy in my Slowsky world. But these days, websites are packed full of truly worthless garbage that makes them slow to load. They’re no better than the websites we had five years ago; they’re just bulkier and noisier. Whatever. I was starting to be annoyed with waiting.

On top of that, I made some Youtube videos, and it was taking me eight hours to upload each one. No, no, no. Not acceptable.

It’s nice to see Drudge load almost instantly instead of taking an interminable 20 seconds.

I used to try to avoid loading Drudge too often, because I knew Breitbart worked for Drudge, and Breitbart didn’t like me. I was afraid he would get some of the pennies generated from the ethically questionable automatic page reloads. Now that he’s gone, I let it reload at will. I figure his widow and kids can use the money.

I’m still working the kinks out of the system. I can’t use my email server, and the most convenient cable line in my house won’t work with the modem, but I guess I’ll be okay. I can’t wait until the phone lines move over.

The telemarketers have been a real challenge. I work on reducing my anger all the time, and telemarketers are incessant provocations I do not need. The other day one called and asked if I was “one of the diabetics” in the house. I said, “We’re all diabetics here. We also have constipation, flat feet, and leprosy. Like your mother.”

I guess that’s funny, but I was not happy with myself. Now that Nomorobo is in my future, maybe I’ll get a break from my tormentors so I can continue working on my character.

I’ve made all sorts of progress cutting out profanity, too, but just when I seem to have forgotten a really choice expression, a telemarketer calls, and I remember it.

Most of my phone calls are telemarketers. Not some. Most.

I wish I had their home numbers.

No I don’t. Forget that thought.

I feel like ranting about the ridiculous overstuffing of websites, but I will try not to. I hate having videos come on without my involvement (in spite of my add-ons and browswer settings), and I really don’t need to see animated GIF’s all over the screen when I’m trying to read a news story. If your site has music that comes on automatically, or it has an introduction video, you should be dropped in a hole in a glacier. That’s just how I feel.

Okay, okay. I repent.

I’m pooped. I’ve been on the phone with tech support for about a century today. I had to write to release the pressure.

I hope the Nomorobo tip helps a few people. It works for cell phones, too. It’s too bad they can’t fix it so it sends electric shocks to the callers.

I repent.