This is Where Trees go When They Die

Life is changing rapidly.

My dad’s problems took another plunge a couple of weeks back, and now I have to handle his business. I have to get his tax stuff fixed up. I have to sort his monumental collection of papers. I have to set his home office up so it actually functions. I also have to apologize to a few people, because some things got screwed up before my dad threw me in the deep end of the pool.

I have realized I don’t know how to set up an office. That’s today’s main challenge.

How can a lawyer not know how to set up an office? Actually, it’s not as crazy as it sounds. Practicing law at home requires very little paperwork. You create paper files for your cases, but as a sole practitioner (I hate “solo practitioner,” and I’m convinced it’s a corruption perpetuated by lemmings), you aren’t going to get into cases that generate tons and tons of discovery, invoices, and checks.

When you start fooling with business, you have to deal with more stuff. You have invoices coming in all the time. You have a lot more bookkeeping.

There is a hoarding streak in my family, and it comes from my dad. We hold onto junk. Over the last year, I’ve been going into my dad’s home office and throwing out pounds and pounds of papers. Do you really need ten pounds (or even one ounce) of The Florida Bar Journal, dating back seven years? I think not. You also don’t need ancient legal files or emails you, for some odd reason, felt the need to print.

Old people (older than I am) seem to think they are legally obligated to print everything they see. I think one reason is that they are way too lazy to learn to use the built-in filing systems on their computers. This takes about three and a half minutes, so I’m not sure why it’s intimidating. They prefer to print everything so they know where it is, and then they put it in random piles which people like me throw out without telling them.

Never buy a printer from an old person. They wear them out.

A friend of mine told me her mother has ONE Word document. When she writes something, she opens the document, modifies it, prints it, and closes it without saving. When she dies, there will be no record that she ever wrote anything. Well…there WILL be the giant, unconstitutional backup the NSA keeps, but they won’t let us access it. That’s a real shame. It would be great to be able to call Obama for a download, every time something important gets deleted. Fortyish wives could send their husbands the naked pictures of themselves they took when they were in their twenties.

Okay, I’m not endorsing that.

Yo, Obama: we know you’re backing our stuff up, so why not let us retrieve it? We could save a lot of money on “cloud” services.

In the future, the government will be happy to produce everything bad we’ve ever said about homosexuality and socialism so they can persecute us. They will be happy to document our porn downloads and sexts in order to discredit us. Seems to me they should also be willing to provide copies when we accidentally delete term papers and family photos.

My dad had ONE folder for everything. Briefs, research, offensive chain emails sent by his incorrigible heathen friends…everything. It had thousands of items in it. Going through that was fun. I’m glad I got the opportunity, though, because it was like having a six-foot-tall pile of horse manure in the middle of the office floor.

As for objects that are physical, not virtual, I will guess that I have thrown out 350 pounds of useless items. As far as I know, he has never missed anything.

Here is a tip for anyone who has to clean up someone else’s business PC: get a solid state hard drive. If you have a separate drive for storage, replace the boot drive with solid state. This will speed the computer up like you would not believe. It makes a big difference when you have 12 years’ worth of files to go through, and you’re searching for every document that refers to “roof” or “plumbing.” You can get a very nice 240 GB solid state drive for sixty bucks, and they’re simple to install. I guess you will have problems if your computer doesn’t use SATA cables, but if it does, a solid state drive will pop right in.

I stuck such a drive in my dad’s office computer, and now Quickbooks opens in fifteen seconds instead of two years. The computer boots so fast you don’t even need to walk away and get coffee.

That boot thing is important, because it’s really hard to convince older people not to use “Shut Down.” They think “Sleep” wears out the computer and drives up their electric bills. Or maybe they think that if they click it, they’ll fall asleep. If you have to work on an old person’s PC, you will get really tired of doing a full three-minute boot every time you sit down.

Today I’m looking around for information on setting up offices; I do not want to reinvent the wheel, although I will probably have to. My dad has investments, so things come in, and things go out. I think I need to put an In/Out thing on his desk, but I’m not sure. I definitely need to cut a hole in his wall and install a new electric socket, and some of his cords and cables need to be made longer or shorter.

I learned something interesting while I was trying to use his PC. Windows 10 has a huge pile of spyware in it. I mean, more than I already suspected. It logs keystrokes. It tracks your location. It tries to send you ads it thinks you will like, so when you let your mom use your PC, it puts up banners advertising midget porn. It listens to you through your mike. It watches you through your webcam.

There is nothing we can do to bring privacy back; the inhuman sociopath nerds won that battle. But you can dig up your Windows 10 privacy settings and turn off a whole bunch of crap, making your PC run better. I had to do that today because I was getting keyboard hesitation. Seems like it’s all cleared up now.

Or not. I had a little issue there. Maybe the keyboard needs batteries. Maybe the computer hiccuped while the NSA installed new stuff to compensate for me turning their crap off.

You may be 95 years old and not too interested in Worlds of Warcraft, but if you have Windows 10, it is taking information from you and putting it in a database for gamers, and I think it’s safe to bet this slows down your PC. It’s hard to believe Microsoft/NSA/Hitler puts this worthless junk in computers by default, but there it is, so you need to root around and minimize the footprint.

I almost look forward to the day when Christians will be banned from the Internet. Think how relaxing it will be. Until they gas us, I mean. I suppose that will be relaxing, too, though.

I should put more thought into the things I write online. One day they may be downloaded and displayed at my homophobia/nondiversity/refusal-to-worship-Emperor-Warren trial, and I really want to make a good impression.

And now back to my search for office advice. I am not optimistic.