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Earth to Al Gore: Polar Bears are Aquatic

April 15th, 2016

But Will the Global Warmers be Able to Swim When the Water of Truth Rises?

I want to add a couple of things about the global warming…I am looking for a word that doesn’t sound like “fundamentalists” or “Taliban”…adherents. Yes…adherents. I went with that before, and it worked.

The GWA’s (save me some typing) have done something scientists should never do. They have painted themselves into a corner and provided themselves with a compelling interest in seeing themselves proven right. To be more accurate, they have a compelling interest in not being proven wrong. It’s okay if they’re not proven right, but being proven wrong would be catastrophic. They would look like idiots and cultists, and their professional credentials would be cheapened considerably.

Because they have been so adamant and intolerant, the only way they can be sure of avoiding disaster is to force the rest of us to go along with their strange, draconian “reform” proposals, even if they don’t work.

I will explain.

Let’s say they get their way, which is likely. Let’s say they get us to spend astronomical sums, choking industry and crushing progress, putatively in order to reduce global warming.

By the way, I don’t call it “climate change,” because that’s weasel language. They used to call it global warming, and then certain places got very cold, appearing to disrupt the whole theory. They switched to “climate change” so they would be able to say that any change, cold or hot, was due to bad old greenhouse gases. I think that was disingenuous and contrived. I think they’re hedging their bets. So I will stick with global warming.

Say it’s going to warm up, or say it’s going to cool down. Man up and take a position, or admit you don’t know the truth.

To get back to our scenario, they get their way. They stuff socks in all our tailpipes. They make us ride bicycles and use abominable poisonous light bulbs that don’t work. They make us turn off our lights at 8 p.m. They remove the element carbon from all future periodic tables and replace it with an element called “Priusine.” Whatever it is they want, they get.

That gives us three possible outcomes.

Outcome 1: nothing happens. They can say they arrested the progress of global warming. Their grants are saved. Comrade Lysenko smiles down from atheist heaven, where he spends eternity waiting in line to buy toilet paper. Life is well.

Outcome 2: the planet heats up. They can say we didn’t do enough. It’s still George Bush’s fault. We didn’t listen in time. We didn’t give them enough government money. We didn’t go to Burning Man and pray to Cthulhu with them. Our fault. They still look good.

Outcome 3: the planet cools down. It worked! They were right! It’s just amazing how smart they were. Time to put the rest of us in vegetarian gulags where everyone gets to use whatever bathroom they want, which was obviously the right move to begin with.

Now, what if we do nothing?

Outcome 1: nothing happens. They were wrong. They look stupid. People distance themselves from them. College students start demanding safe spaces to get away from them.

Outcome 2: the planet heats up. Thank Gaia. They were right. We should have listened. Now we need to give them more power, because it would be even hotter if they hadn’t gotten their way. Fire up the bongs with the special carbon traps and put on some Justin Bieber!

Outcome 3: the planet cools. Wow, do they look stupid. They risk being beaten to death by mobs swinging pillowcases full of coal.

If we do what they want, they can’t lose. If we don’t do what they want, the planet absolutely has to heat up, fast, or they’re toast.

Surely they’ve figured this out, so now we can count on them putting on a full-court press, not out of confidence that they’re right, but out of terror that they might be wrong.

Personally, I think they’re wrong. I am not a meteorologist or climatologist, but the people who are against them seem more credible than the liars and hysterical polemicists who get attention for backing them.

I was not favorably impressed by the famous global warming fraud scandal, nor am I impressed by the fake movie polar bears which were used to convince us that aquatic mammals, for the first time in history, can’t swim. I am not impressed by Al Gore, who, to me, appears to be mentally ill and incapable of telling the truth. He got rich off of global warming, after his family got rich from oil, and his house, which is clearly visible from Venus, uses more energy than the entire northeast power grid.

“Carbon credits” are not only silly, they’re an insult to my intelligence. If carbon credits made sense, wives would sell their husbands adultery credits, and the cops would sell angry people murder credits. When Leo Dicaprio travels to complain about fossil fuel, he uses a private jet. Come on. If you’re going to pull my leg, at least pretend you’re serious. When Bruce Jenner decided he was a woman, he grew breasts, wore makeup, and made sure he shaved every day. A quality hoax demands a certain level of commitment.

If they prove AGW (figure it out) exists, fine. I’ll be quiet. But the way they’re handling it now is a disgrace.

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2 Responses to “Earth to Al Gore: Polar Bears are Aquatic”

  1. WB Says:

    I don’t believe it. TWO posts in one day????

    This is a sure sign that Jesus is coming back soon. Very soon. Possibly even tomorrow!!!!

  2. WB Says:

    “A quality hoax demands a certain level of commitment…”

    Ok, I’m still laughing over that line. It’s a keeper.

    If these people look that stupid to us, imagine how stupid we all look to God.

    It’s amazing how far mankind truly fell. At the Bema Seat, we’ll see it even more clearly.