To be On Your Own

Well, my latest kidney stone just BLEW OUT. WHOO HOOOOOOO.

I’m so happy, I can’t stand it. I was thinking about things like lithotripsy and claw machines that go up the you-know-what, and now I can forget about all that crap.

I was reading about the lemon-juice-and-olive-oil cure, and I saw something interesting. Some guy said he peed REALLY HARD, and his stone popped out. That got me thinking.

Also, a Facebook friend told me his doctor prescribed beer for kidney stones, and I looked it up, and it turned out he was right. Not only does beer make you pee; it opens up the tubes so the stone has more room to move.

I put these bits of info together, and today I hogged down a couple of Sierra Nevada Pale Ales plus a sizeable quantity of weak limeade, and I went into the can and, well, let’s just say I EXERTED MYSELF. Think industrial waterjet.

I don’t want to go into more disgusting detail than I already have, but I will say that I actually heard a “clank” when it landed in the bottom of the ridiculous cup I have to pee in.

Had to. Pee in.

What a relief. I’m not going to have to pay some quack to shove earth-moving equipment up my urinary tract.

I learned a few things, which I’ll “pass” on. For other people who have calcium stones.

1. You should take potassium citrate every day, regardless of whether you currently have a stone. I ran out, and like three weeks later, I was making masonry in my ureters. This is what I get for being too lazy to buy more.

2. You should drink a glass of lemonade or some lemon juice every day. Citrate.

3. If you get a stone, make your doctor give you a prescription for Flomax. Like beer, it opens up the tubes and makes the stones move.

4. Try chanca piedra. It’s an herb that supposedly prevents stones from forming and helps new ones break up and pass. It has no side effects, so what the hell. Try it.

5. Drink a lot of water. Not Coral Gables water, which is packed with limestone dust (calcium). Normal water.

6. Do NOT drink green tea. I can’t believe I fell for those articles saying green tea prevents stones. I read one more closely, and it doesn’t really say the tea prevents stones. It says the type of oxalate found in green tea makes WEAKER stones. COME ON. How is “weaker” better than “none”? Doctors are so stupid. I’m sorry. They really are.

Man, I have to pee. Be right back.

Whew.

7. There are a lot of people out there who swear by the “cure.” Mix one ounce of lemon juice and one ounce of olive oil, and drink it. Twice a day. I doubt the olive oil does anything, but again, what the hell.

8. Some guy on the web claims antibiotics help him pass stones in a hurry. He thinks they reduce inflammation, which makes the tubes open up. He has had lots of stones, so he may be right.

I’m going back on the potassium citrate, and I’m giving up green tea. This is just too much aggravation. I don’t care if it cures cancer. It’s not worth it.

Before I got all religioius, I had the alcohol tolerance of a brontosaurus. Those days are gone. I’ve had two beers, and I’m practically hallucinating. Hey. I’ll deal with it. The stone is gone, so I can live with the trivial sacrifices I’ve been required to make.

At church today, at the leaders’ prayer, my friends hit this thing pretty hard, and God clearly listened. The glory is his.

Hope this info is helpful to other people whose bodies insist on turning iced tea into cobblestones.