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Hal’s Sister

December 22nd, 2012

Yenta 9000

I had a funny experience yesterday.

Actually, it started last week. My music teacher was all bummed out because he and his girlfriend had broken up. I started telling him he should get out there and see what’s available. Check out the Christian dating sites. No point in sitting around moping.

A few days later, I realized I was telling him to do something I will not do for myself. Arrgh.

Just to see what was out there, I signed up for a couple of sites. I’ve tried this before, but the results were pretty scary. I guess I never learn. Something about the “scientific” approach appeals to me.

Last time I tried this, the first person they sent me was a beautician with no education. Now, before you get started, I realize there are smart people out there who haven’t been to college. I don’t write people off that quickly. But a computerized service should! If you show up with a physics degree and a law degree, and the FIRST person they send you barely made it through high school, it does not inspire confidence. Out of the five zillion women out there, surely the computer could have found one who was less risky.

Anyway, yesterday, I checked my “matches.” There were very few, and a whole bunch were OLDER than I am. OLDER! Not “nearly as old.” Not “same age.” OLDER. OLDER. OLDER. And this was after I told the machine not to do it! MOST of the women were my age or older.

You know what? It’s normal for men to date women somewhat younger. It’s unusual for men to be attracted to women who are older. That’s a fact of life. God wired it into us. If you don’t like it, send him an email. God gave us Ruth and Boaz, not Ruth and David.

I also specified just about every body type except for huge, including women from 4’8″ to 6’1″, and they sent me several obese women. OBESE! AND OLDER!

You know, I don’t care who calls me shallow. I will never date an obese woman. I don’t care if she has the fourth-greatest personality in history, next to the Holy Trinity. Call me whatever you want. I’m not doing it! A couple of extra pounds, on a woman who can carry it…not a problem. But food addicts are a real pain to be around. They ruin furniture. It seems like they’re always standing in doorways and hallways so you can’t get past. They’re awful to sit beside on planes and in theaters. There are things they can’t do with you, because they get tired or they can’t bend over or climb hills. You can’t have any decent food in the house, because they get up and eat all of it in the middle of the night. Then a lot of them get diabetes and fall apart. Not interested!

The third problem I had was that almost all of the women were Latin. I guess it sounds awful, but I’m kind of tired of the Latin atmosphere. Everyone around me speaks Spanish, everywhere I go. I do not want to hear it at home. I would like to feel like I’m going to bed in the United States. And I’m not all that thrilled about Cuban culture. The materialism and aggression wear me down; Cuban women can be very hard and brassy. And the sites don’t have a line where you can type things like, “Venezuelans and Colombians fine, but go easy on the Cubans.”

I knew better! The women you meet on these sites are worse than the ones you already know!

I’m not desperate. If I were, I’d be married already. Probably to a real prize. I’m one of those people who prefers nothing to something bad. When I’m really thirsty, I’d rather stay thirsty than suffer through a Budweiser. I am content to wait, and if I die, at least I won’t die with some awful wife who makes me wish I were single.

I’m starting to think the real purpose of these sites is to show you how hopeless things are. You’re supposed to look at the terrifying women they pick and say, “Man, my expectations are too high.” Then once your spirit is crushed, you settle, and they put you in a commercial.

Actually, they only put the winners in commercials. “We’re both astrophysicist fashion model billionaires, and Eharmony put us together!”

Then the men turn out to be gay.

Okay, maybe not.

Here’s something horrifying. There are men cruising Christian dating sites. For men. The sites discourage them, but they still take their money. THERE’S a package you don’t want to find under your Christmas tree. Yeah, I came to a Christian dating site so I can commit abominations and hang out in bathhouses! How did you guess? Thanks for making EVERY area of society disgusting. For a second I was afraid I might have a refuge here and there.

The upshot is this: I quit. I will meet someone normally or die alone surrounded by machine tools. I will get to drive however I want, eat whatever I want, buy whatever I want, and never, ever have to smell another cat, unless I’m in someone else’s house. Could be worse.

I can leave a motorcycle engine on the dining room table for a month. That’s pretty cool.

In real life, I am not drawing or even meeting any prospects. On rare occasions I get a really unpleasant series of advances from someone I could never, ever date, and sometimes they are actually rude and persistent, as if that will score them points instead of making me want to buy a taser. That’s about it.

In other news, something really weird is happening. I keep seeing greenish specks of light on my pillows. I can’t figure this out. I’ll be lying in bed, in a dark room, and I’ll roll over and move the pillow, and for a second or so, I’ll see these little specks on it. Then they disappear.

I Googled it. I figured I could not be the only one. But I can’t find any other examples, nor can I find an explanation. I Googled “bioluminescence” and “piezoelectric,” but I got nowhwere. It happens with down. It happens with foam.

Naturally, I’m wondering if there is a supernatural explanation. I have very powerful prayer sessions while lying on these pillows. Maybe something is going on.

Last night I lifted a pillow just to see if the specks were there, and sure enough, there was one right in front of me.

The first time it happened, I thought little shafts of light had to be filtering through the blinds and hitting the pillows, but I was wrong.

Totally weird.

I don’t think it means I’m going crazy. I think insanity is more complicated than green specks of light on a pillow.

16 Responses to “Hal’s Sister”

  1. Ed Bonderenka Says:

    A New Leaf
    Hilarious movie. You’d relate. Maybe.

  2. Heather P Says:

    I can’t help but feel that you will meet someone through your church. I wouldn’t worry about those stupid online dating sites either, I think there have only been about four really good matches ever made and those are the ones for the commercials. From what I’ve been reading in the blog world they can be a real horror/comedy show.

  3. Rick C Says:

    Regarding the specks, it could be static. You can sometimes see that between a blanket and a sheet, for example.

  4. Steve H. Says:

    Is that possible in a humid place like Miami? I don’t even know. With the AC on, it’s around 50%.

  5. Virgil Says:

    “…y’all come get this transmission out of the bath tub…I’ve got to shave my legs…”

    –Commedian Jeff Foxworthy (from “You Might be a Redneck if…”)

  6. lauraw Says:

    That’s weird. It’s either a bedbug wearing a mining helmet, or you need to get to the doctor and have your eyes checked.

    This only happens in a darkened room?

  7. lauraw Says:

    OK, I looked. Interesting.


    When you’re alert and walking around, you only physically see the objects in your surroundings (for the most part; you may be aware of a floater in your eye from time to time, or whatever).

    It could be that when you’re 1) in the dark, and 2) relaxed enough to see something you yourself have projected (literally from your ‘mind’s eye,’ in this case), it just so happens you are also tossing about on your pillow.

    And momentarily opening your eyes while doing so.

    Welcome to another fun new development in aging.

  8. Steve H. Says:

    Last night, I grabbed a pillow and mashed it pretty vigorously. These things flashed all over it.

  9. Jim Says:

    Will mashed pillows be in your new cookbook?

    Sunk New Dawn
    Galveston, TX

  10. blindshooter Says:

    Don’t discount eye trouble, my doc tells me to run to the doctor if I see any odd flashes or specks of light. Didn’t say anything about certain colors but it might be worth a trip to the eye doctor. I understand a lot of eye diseases are really sneaky, no pain and few symptoms right up until permanent damage occurs.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  11. Ed Bonderenka Says:

    Bioluminescent dust mites.

  12. Juan Paxety Says:

    The specks could also be a symptom of diabetes – go to the doctor.

  13. Steve H. Says:

    Diabetes ain’t going to make a hundred sparks at the exact instant you squeeze a pillow.

  14. Bradford M. Kleemann Says:

    Radioactive dandruff?

  15. lauraw Says:

    Alllllrighty then.
    Just have to ask you, what kind of detergent you are using on your linens.

  16. Steve_in_CA Says:

    My wife gets “flashes” of light, even in the daytime. She was diagnosed with “optical” migraines, no headaches, just flashes.