Unstoppable

I had an interesting experience during morning prayer.

I thnk we’re supposed to be motivated primarily by love. The Bible says God gave his son because he loved us. I think that shows that love will motivate you to do things that would otherwise be impossible. The early Christians were martyred in huge numbers, and all they had to do to save themselves was to deny God, but they wouldn’t do it. I believe love–for God and for the human race–made it impossible for them to give in. I don’t think it was duty. If you tied me to a stake right now and got out the matches, there is no way duty would prevent me from renouncing my faith. For the really hard jobs, it has to be something stronger.

Because I think love is important, and because I think not enough of it is flowing through me, I pray about it. It’s one of the gifts of the Spirit, so we know God will put it in us supernaturally if we pursue it. There have been occasions when I felt it pouring out of me. I would like to have that all the time. It would make me a better person.

Today I started to feel like it was getting loose inside me. And it made me think about the scariness of love.

I had a horrible, rotten childhood. I got along with people in high school, and I wasn’t an outcast, but I was miserable because things at home were screwed up. College was even worse. My life went badly, largely because other people betrayed me and let me down. I had one relative who even victimized me for pleasure.

My mother used to tell me that I was very warm and outgoing as a baby, but that a point came when I closed off. I think that’s a natural response to the disappointments this crummy world presents. On your own, as a mere human being, you will probably lack the inner resources to keep reaching out, year after year, when you are continually treated unfairly. Over and over, you will find yourself out there alone, committed, when the people who were supposed to share the risk and commit alongside of you are actually holding back or simply pretending in order to exploit you.

Sooner or later, a dam builds up, and you put in a valve, and you let love out by measure, in amounts that seem safe to you.

If there were no God, this would be a smart thing to do. Trusting animals don’t survive in the wild. But God exists, and nature exists to tell us how not to be. Nature is backward and hopeless. We’re supposed to be better than that.

I ask God to help me love him on an emotional level, not just as a matter of duty. People say they love God, but do they really? You can want to love God, and you can choose to love him, but is that what he’s after? I don’t think so. I think he wants us to love him the same way we love each other. From the heart. Without reserve. That’s pretty tough, given that we can’t see him, and most of us don’t experience his presence or see his hand in our lives. I’m just being honest. Lying is not helpful, and anyway, God knows the truth.

Today I started to feel that it was working. And I remembered that God is not like people. He is a hundred percent trustworthy. He never lets anyone down. He was committed before you were committed. Everything he has is at risk. He will never give you the short end of the stick; he reserves that for himself. He is the only person you can put complete faith in. He is never wrong. He is never selfish. When you are with God, you can exhale.

I feel that if I love God more, I will be able to love people more. You use the same part of you to love, no matter whom you love. If I exercise it in my relationship with God, surely I’ll get used to using it.

That’s a little unnerving, because there are so many people I know who have wronged me in the past, or who are actively wronging me at this moment. I forgive people. I don’t pursue vengeance. But the thought of having warm thoughts toward colossal jerks is a little unsettling. It will take some getting used to. I couldn’t do it on my own. The forgiveness, I can generally manage, but this is a step beyond that.

It can be tough to give up a suit of armor you’ve grown used to wearing, but armor has a weight no one can carry without being gradually crushed. Love, on the other hand, has a buoyancy to it. I think the relationship between love and being guarded is like the relationship between giving and receiving. When you give, you are blessed. When you receive, you add a little weight to your burdens. You have to seek freedom.

It has also occurred to me that being filled with love is like buying a tractor. Love will pull you along. It will push you through the challenges and offenses. It may be slow, but it is steady, and it can’t be stopped.

I hope I’m right about this, because it seems like a wonderful, liberating gift. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a state of provocation and annoyance, just because venal people give me cause.