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Miami Man Eyed in “Little People” Disappearances

November 24th, 2011

Loaf of Joy

I feel like I swallowed a cannonball.

the turducken came out great. It turns out the “correct” term for a turducken with no duck is “turken.” Whatever.

I delegated some of the shopping this year, so I ended up with two birds that were roughly 13 and 7 pounds, if memory serves. Anyway, the chicken was on the large side for this application. For this reason, I was not able to cram all the andouille stuffing into the turkey, and I had to roast half of it separately. Made no difference, but it shows you have to put thought into it.

I used lump crabmeat in the chicken stuffing. I figured it was about the same as lump meat, in smaller pieces. I don’t know a whole lot about crab meat. The only crabs I pay any attention to are stone crabs, and they all look and taste the same. Now that I think about it, I suspect that lump crabmeat is whiter and tastier. If so, it would be a better choice.

Sewing this thing together was a challenge. They always tear up the lower opening when they slaughter turkeys, so you have to piece it back together. Then I had problems because the skin barely went around the chicken and stuff. It worked out okay, however. I think the key is to sew a bird up halfway and then stuff it.

I made sure I stuffed the legs and wings this time. That’s one of the great things about boned turkeys. More places for stuffing.

I cut the wing ends off, and I boned the whole bird. I know that’s against the rules, but it makes for a better feed.

I ended up with an object resembling a dwarf. It’s not photogenic. It looked better than the photo.

It was extremely tender. I was amazed. And the juice poured out of it. Too much, maybe.

I roasted it, covered, at 275. After about five hours, I realized I was going to be dining at midnight, so I cranked it up to 350. I took the foil off in the last hour. It browned up nicely. I pulled it when the internal temperature hit 165.

These things take a thousand years to cook. I put mine in the oven at 10:15, and I ate at 5 p.m. I was too lazy to smoke it. That can take half a day.

Here’s what I take away from this. Don’t cook turducken. Seriously. Instead, make deboned turkeys stuffed with really good dressing. The chicken doesn’t hurt anything, but it’s not as big an asset as you would think, and it runs up the cooking time. Ducks are greasy and gamey, so they don’t improve things.

For Christmas, I’m thinking I’ll do a boneless turkey with andouille sausage. I’ll bet a goose would be better. I’ve never had goose. I just have a hunch. There has to be a reason why buying a goose is more expensive than adopting a child.

If you insist on using more than one bird, make the second one very small. No more than one-third the weight of the outer bird. I should have looked for one under 5 pounds.

I’m pretty sure I ate some dental floss. I didn’t detect any, but I used about twenty feet sewing up the bird, and I didn’t see any left over when I ate.

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4 Responses to “Miami Man Eyed in “Little People” Disappearances”

  1. Virgil Says:

    Steve,

    Glad to see you are enjoying the Thanksgiving Holiday geting your usual good cooking done.
    .
    My family and I have been amazingly blessed in the past year and give thanks to God this holiday season in a number of ways.
    .
    This quote is Non-Biblical but attributed to Sir William Shakespeare:

    “There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
    .
    Omitted, all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
    .
    On such a full sea are we now afloat, And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures.”

    I hope you have a blessed balance of the Christian Holiday season and personal, professional, and spiritual success in the new year.

  2. Ed Bonderenka Says:

    Scherie says goose is gamy and greasy like duck, but good.
    Isn’t it a large goose in Christmas Carol that Scrooge tells the boy to buy for the Cratchetts?

  3. Elisson Says:

    I roast a goose every year. Goose is like a very expensive duck – tasty, and all dark meat – but with a whole lot more fat. If you slow-roast a goose, you’ll get about a quart of excellent goose schmaltz that you can use for applications like making confit or the best fried potatoes you will ever taste.

    But one a year is enough for me. Too much of a good thing, and all that…

  4. JBD Says:

    Hi Steve,

    Saw this and thought of you. Your Barney stories were some of your best work. Looks like this one had one too many midgets in his Cobb salad. Happy Thanksgiving, and my apologies for any past transgressions unrepented. Best Wishes, JBD.

    http://thechive.com/2011/11/24/photos-of-an-abridged-week-40-photos/best-thanksgiving-photos-35/