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“We’re Going to Need an Ambulance With Dual Axles…”

November 23rd, 2011

Pleasure’s Slave

I must have been nuts when I decided to make a turducken.

I’m cooking for two people. TWO. My father and me. That’s it. I should have thrown a turkey loaf in the microwave and been done with it. But I’m making two pies, a turducken, beans, cranberry relish, cranberry sauce, oyster dressing. cornbread dressing with andouille, bread dressing with crabmeat, mashed potatoes, and yams. If that doesn’t seem like a lot, try doing it yourself.

I had to make three pones of cornbread, which made it necessary to nuke a whole lot of bacon. That made Marv happy. He and Maynard helped dispose of the excess meat.

I deboned two birds for my abridged turducken. That was fun. Each one took at least half an hour. I still haven’t put them together. I have to get up, turn the bread and cornbread into stuffing, and then sew the whole mess up. I hope I have it roasted by ten p.m.

My dad has to have the stuff his mother made, so I am stuck with the extra dish of oyster dressing. That stuff reeks like you would not believe. He swears it’s wonderful. I wouldn’t touch it with my shoe.

He also insists on cranberry sauce, which is totally inferior to relish. I don’t have a relish recipe. I grind up cranberries, an orange, and pecans. I add Grand Marnier, sugar, and raspberry or cherry gelatin. BAM. I’m done. It’s always excellent. It’s hard to screw up fruit and Jell-O.

I haven’t even looked at the tubers yet. I plan to cheat and use the microwave. I don’t think it really matters.

A few years back, I ran out of dry ginger, so I used sushi ginger in a pumpkin pie. I thought it was great, so I do it every year now. But this year I grabbed the wrong Carnation can in the store, so I found I had to come up with a substitute for evaporated milk. Either that or fight a “2012″-style frenzy at the store. I mixed condensed milk, cream, and half and half. Pretty close. Who cares? Pumpkin pie is never going to be exciting.

I stuck Jack Daniel’s in the pecan pie again. I can’t figure out how such a disgusting beverage turned out to be such a magnificent cooking ingredient, but that’s how it is.

I’m wondering if the Karo pies I’ve always eaten are a substitute for something better. Corn syrup is the worst form of sugar imaginable, so you would think it came into use as a replacement for something more expensive. How about sorghum? I’ll bet that would be fantastic. I’ll have to try it some day.

Have a great Thanksgiving. This might be the last one before the Obama Depression, so live it up. If you’re not in line with God’s blessings, this would be a great time to get your game face on and start living in power.

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5 Responses to ““We’re Going to Need an Ambulance With Dual Axles…””

  1. onmilo Says:

    Did you debone the birds in front of the birds while they were eating their bacon?
    Happy Thanksgiving Steve & God Bless.

  2. Ed Bonderenka Says:

    Happy Thanksgiving, Steve, and your Dad.

  3. Steve H. Says:

    Thanks, guys. Same to you and yours.

  4. Aaron's cc: Says:

    We’ve figured out an efficient way around old turkey leftovers. My wife buys a large turkey and asks the butcher to cut it in half. We freeze the other half. Works out great. A half-volume turducken may be in your future. Or maybe a gooturducken: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2065478/The-pork-thats-Kosher-Israeli-rabbi-allows-import-goose-meat-taste-pig.html
    .
    Regards to your dad.

  5. strickenfancy Says:

    I would guess that the Karo replaces treacle, or possibly golden syrup. That’s what I used in pecan pies when we lived in England, and both products have been around much longer than Karo. Pecan pie is basically treacle tart with nuts added.