I Can’t Understand Why my Ho Left Me

November 10th, 2011

Ancient Lessons for Modern Morons

I got invited to a new kind of event this week. A Christian bachelor party.

I didn’t expect it. A friend has a friend who is getting married. He would like to develop some kind of connection between God and his marriage. My buddy had a hard time finding people to go, so he called me.

I thought it was a great idea.

I know how much damage a traditional bachelor’s party can do. A few years back, a female friend of mine got married, and the groom insisted on a bachelor party. The bride-to-be was pregnant, so she was not too stable, and she was understandably offended by the idea of her fiance prancing around drunk with naked women. He had to have his way, however.

She tried to spite him by having a bachelorette party with a male stripper, but I doubt she enjoyed it, and I don’t think the groom cared.

I was at the bachelor party. Two prostitutes who called themselves strippers showed up and removed every stitch they had on, and there were full-contact lapdances and so on. Somebody tried to buy me a dance, and I ended up having an argument with a very stubborn woman who was totally naked. She actually picked me up and tried to carry me to a chair. Later in the night, at a club, my resolution failed me, but that’s another story.

Naturally, every man who went to this thing let a few details slip, and before we knew it, the bride’s female friends had reported every word. They told her about the disgusting things we all did at the party, and she threw a fit that lasted for days.

The groom had to have his selfish party. The bride had to pick at the scab instead of moving on. Neither accepted any blame for what happened, although they were solely responsible. They blamed some of us and put us all on trial, as though we were somehow accountable for the success of their marriage. We all suffered because of the groom’s immaturity and the bride’s stubborn insistence on spying.

I suspect that I was eventually blamed for some leaks by other men, but in the long run, it shouldn’t have mattered, because we didn’t make the mess, and we were not the ones who would eventually pay the price. What was it to the rest of us if information got out? It wasn’t our problem. We went on with our lives. We weren’t sentenced to relive the night a thousand times with angry spouses. When you do things this stupid, you should man up and take the blame. You shouldn’t run away like a toddler who knocked over a vase. You shouldn’t try to put the burden of your future happiness on well-meaning friends who merely helped you with your own suicidal plan.

Hard feelings and even a silly and immature threat of violence ensued. Brilliant bits of wisdom such as “bros before hoes” were uttered in total seriousness, as though they came from the mouth of God. Friendships deteriorated. I have no idea how the marriage worked out, but it certainly started out in the hole.

I don’t know where Americans got the idea that an evening of fornication was a good way to start a holy relationship, but somehow it has become part of our culture. It’s like we’re betting Satan he can’t make us divorce.

Anyway, when I heard about tonight’s plan, I thought about the pathetic party I just described, and I realized it was a chance at redemption. If I can be part of a gang of fools who help screw up a marriage, why can’t I help a marriage start correctly?

Tonight I’ll be sitting in a restaurant with stable people who are making mature choices. I won’t be grappling with naked hookers. I won’t be paying topless strangers to grope me in the back room of a tawdry club. I won’t be so drunk I can barely see. We’ll be trying to help a man and woman build a stronghold that will last until they die and produce wonderful fruit. In the morning, when I wake up, I’ll know where I am. And in the days that follow, no one will be spying on me or threatening anyone with a baseball bat. No one will be wondering if he or she has herpes or if a prostitute is pregnant. No older men will be living in terror, wondering if their wives are about to find out what they’ve done. No man will be waiting by his mailbox, trying to intercept incriminating credit card bills or bank statements.

Instead of all that, we will be talking about the things God requires of married people. We will be discussing the power of prayer. We’ll talk about the obligations the couple will have toward their children. We’ll give advice to help them defeat the attacks that are sure to come. We’ll tell this young man things that will help him grow closer to his wife, and I guarantee you, no one will say, “Bros before hoes.”

Call me crazy. It seems to be the better way.

5 Responses to “I Can’t Understand Why my Ho Left Me”

  1. Aaron's cc: Says:

    I’ve made it to nearly 50 without being invited to a bachelor party. They don’t happen in my circles. I don’t recall of even HEARING of one.

    During the day before a Jewish wedding (the Hebrew word is kiddushin, which comes from the word kadosh, sanctification, whose meaning is in being exclusively reserved for holy purpose), bride and groom fast and say the prayers said on the afternoon of Yom Kippur.

    There is also a tradition that the bride and groom not see each other for a full week before the wedding. Tensions are high and people get upset over nonsense like the soup from the caterer not being what was ordered. Much better to have the bride and groom speak with their close friends and family. My wife and I happened not to see each other for 7 months before I participated in the “bedeken” ceremony, as I was already living in LA and the wedding was in NYC. I do not get the meaning of a big event to celebrate a union where the couple shared a bed hours earlier.

    Our Rosh Hashanah is filled with trepidation and very unlike the debauchery associated with the night of December 31.

  2. Aaron's cc: Says:

    Would love to get a hold of your CSS file to insert half-line breaks between comment paragraphs.

  3. Steve H. Says:

    I believe I turned the file over to you about 4 years ago, and you couldn’t get anywhere with it.

  4. Darren Meer Says:

    21 years ago my bachelor party consisted of beer, pizza and a massive game of Risk (the board game). Nobody got drunk or naked which, at the time, seemed a bit boring. I’ll admit making plenty of other mistakes in my marriage, but at least I got that part right.

  5. Anthony Says:

    Twice have I been to bachelor parties as you described – in my twenties. Interesting thing was both grooms were not all that interested – and just went along for the ride. Though there were strippers/hookers available – the worst both grooms did was just being there. Both said how disrespectful the whole thing was to their brides. I can’t say the same for some of the other guys that were there. The grooms were there just to be with their friends one last time as single guys. If they were older, I think it would have just been dinner and drinks. As for me, having married late, 44, and becoming a Christian @ 41 – my bachelor party consisted of dinner with 40 close friends and acquaintances (male & female, married and single). After dinner each person/couple stood up and gave their thoughts on marriage and annotates on how to make marriage successful. The few single folks joked about not leaving their ranks. All in all – it was a great evening with no smut.