I’ll Have the Penne Arrabiata

February 5th, 2010

You’ll Still Need a Tray

Thanks, any and all who assisted with prayer this morning. Things went very well.

I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. What now? If there is one thing I hate, it’s idleness.

Shut up.

Can I bore you again with my supernatural weight loss? I made pizza over and over again for a month, and depending on how accurate my scale is, I either gained no weight or a pound and a half. Because I ate tons of pizza and God made it magically nonfattening? No. I mean, I ate plenty, but I’m pretty sure my permanent increase in self-control kept it down to a harmless amount. I don’t think angels are hovering around my maw, destroying calories miraculously as food gets caught in the gravity well. Although I rule nothing out.

I love pizza more than just about anything on earth, but once I got Sicilian figured out, I no longer had an overpowering urge to make it. That is completely bizarre. I never got tired of pizza in the past. I ate it every day for long periods. I had no problem with eating it twice a day.

As long as I had sauce, cheese, and flour, I had to make pizza until the supplies ran out or my arches collapsed. But I’m sitting here right now with no idea what I’m going to have for lunch, and I have delicious Costco cheese and two kinds of sauce handy, and the only thing I’m sure of is that I’m going to have something boring and healthy. This is like a crackhead turning down rocks in favor of Sanka.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to help anyone else get what I got. Nobody cares. When I talk to people about it, they start telling me all their diet secrets. That’s a completely different subject. No relevance at all. I’m not on a diet. I have diet secrets, too, but they don’t work. This is a different thing. I just eat less. No one understands. God just dropped it on me. I don’t even know why. I hope he shoves a few more presents off the back of his sleigh. Or chariot or whatever.

I’m right down here! Look me up on Google Earth. I’ll paint a big X on the driveway. Or maybe a yud.

Imagine Moses talking to someone about parting the Red Sea. The other guy would say, “Yeah, you can build a caisson with lots of slave labor and spend about ten years pumping the water out,” and Moses would go, “Dude, I just waved a stick.”

After a few minutes, Moses would throw up his hands and say “whatever.” Or “oy.”

Sometimes I feel like I’m talking Chinese. “God fixed me so I don’t overeat!” “Yeah, I’m thinking of doing Slim-Fast.” “No, GOD FIXED ME SO I DON’T OVEREAT.” I feel like Lego Darth Vader trying to make people understand he’s not Jeff Vader or Mr. Stephens, the head of catering.

Obscure reference. See Youtube. Search under Eddie Izzard.

I have to watch that now.

5 Responses to “I’ll Have the Penne Arrabiata”

  1. Rick C Says:

    “I wonder if I’ll ever be able to help anyone else get what I got. Nobody cares.”

    Nonsense. Now, if by “nobody” you meant “a small number,” I won’t disagree.

  2. strickenfancy Says:

    I think I understand. Almost 2 years ago, God did the same for me. I had been exercising (an hour a day) for 9 months, with no change on the scale. (I did see other benefits, like lower BP, more energy, increased strength, etc.) Then one Sunday during worship, God released me from something, and my appetite changed. Food no longer demanded to be eaten. I could enjoy snacks in moderation, and quit eating when I’d had enough. Over the next year, I lost 30+ pounds, and went from a size 16 to size 8. And my weight has held steady for the past year. Your testimony has been very encouraging to me, especially your thoughts about different strongholds leading to plateaus in weight loss, as I am still 15 or so pounds over my optimum weight.

  3. Steve H. Says:

    I’m so glad to read that. I thought I was alone here.

  4. pbird Says:

    I get it Steve. Its more wonderful than most can imagine. I ain’t there yet.

  5. Wormathan Says:

    I just wasted 30 minutes on Youtube because of you! Too funny.