Mohammed Calls up the Rear Guard

September 29th, 2009

New Bomb Method Plumbs Depths of Depravity

I guess I should call Line-X today. Day before yesterday I looked at the truck bed after a rain, and you could have used it to raise goldfish. I hope there is no rust under the drop-in liner.

Black appears to be the way to go. I thought red would be neat, and it would be more comfortable to deal with in the burning sun, but I’m positive it will be pink after a year.

I am going to upgrade the stereo a little. I am not a boom-car guy, but the factory radio is not inspiring. One problem: I can’t get below 70 Hz without a sub, and if I put it in the back seat, it will take up precious floor space. How am I going to hear Ray Brown? I may have to cave on this issue. I don’t expect great sound in a vehicle, but when notes are completely absent, it’s bad.

It turns out CD changers are obsolete. The Crutchfield guy I talked to confirmed it. He said you can hook a thumb drive up to your stereo and get the same effect. Granted, you may lose some sonic perfection due to compression, but car sound is car sound. I doubt I could tell the difference with the motor running.

I was thinking I might burn music DVDs and put them in a changer. But it looks like CD changers don’t play DVDs. That’s stupid. A single DVD can hold an insane amount of music.

Let’s see. A DVD holds roughly 5 gigs. A thumb drive–I better check before I make a fool of myself–16 gigs. So a changer holds less than two thumb drives, and it costs more than they would. Talk about “duh.” A changer would be a bad idea even if it read DVDs.

I have a 40-gig MP3 player I rarely use. I could stick it in the truck. It’s a hard-drive player, so it’s going to poop out eventually. Might as well get some use from it.

Crutchfield was great. They gave me good advice, caught me when I ordered too much stuff, and gave me free junk to move an old stereo to my dad’s Explorer. Thumbs up on that deal.

I’m thinking about going to an empty parking lot and spending some time practicing my parking. I keep missing spaces by 50%. I need to get it together. I won’t always have the Thunderbird to fall back on. I need to polish the remarkable head-out parking skills I learned in law school. Not sure if this will make things easier on the way in, but getting out will be less traumatic.

Miami has horrible parking lots with tiny spaces. I’m getting used to parking far from stores, where there is more room.

I love these polite Miami drivers. Where were they hiding back when I was driving a small car? They’re so eager to get out of my way, even when it’s their turn to go. I feel terrible about all the bad things I’ve said about them in the past.

Most interesting item in the news? The Al Qaeda butt bomber. I’m sure you’ve read about it. He stuck a cell phone and a pound of explosives in his rear end, approached Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, and blew himself up.

The obvious ramification…unpleasant changes in airport security. Backscatter scanning reveals your private parts to bored TSA screeners, and you have to take off your shoes, and you may have to be checked with a metal-detecting wand. But as far as civilians know, there are no precautions that will weed out bombers with explosives in their rectums. A butt bomb could easily depressurize a jet. It could bring it down, so we can’t ignore the threat. Something is going to be done to counter it. And it will not be fun.

Maybe they’ll start ultrasounding random passengers. Won’t that be fantastic? I’m assuming ultrasound can detect machinery that has been concealed anally. Not something I know a lot about. If not, guess what? STRIP SEARCHES.

You have to wonder. Will this be the final straw that forces the government to acknowledge that terrorism is perpetrated almost entirely by Muslims? Can we finally admit that profiling the group of people that produces terrorists is a good idea?

How many blue-eyed, freckled, Christian grandmothers have we humiliated, trying to bolster our ridiculous contention that terrorism isn’t an Islamic phenomenon? We smiled and put up with it when they were merely feeling us up and making us take off our shoes. Will we be as patient when they’re stripping us naked and ramming instruments up our behinds in rooms full of strangers?

And for once, let’s be as creative as the terrorists. Let’s not be limited by tunnel vision. Let’s admit that airplanes aren’t the only targets. Imagine a flash mob of twenty butt bombers at the New York Stock Exchange or at a Presidential speaking engagement. Think your stocks are in the toilet now? You haven’t seen anything yet.

I can’t say it enough. Anyone willing to eat a piece of pork at a boarding gate should be allowed to bypass security screening. And we should make airline seats from pigskin, and airline passengers should carry lard with them. No bomb? No pig-molecule contamination for Mohammed’s servants. How can they object?

I think we need to start popularizing pork-based skin creams and cosmetics. Lard is a marvelous moisturizer, provided you refine it and remove the scent. We’re not even allowed to say “swine flu” because the intolerant among us can’t stand the word “swine.” We need to let them know they don’t make the rules. Lard-based lipstick. Lard-based hair conditioner. These things would make a glorious statement.

It’s not intolerance. It’s a response to intolerance.

Swine, swine, swine, pig, ham, bacon, Hush Puppies. Get over it. Somebody make me a T-shirt that says “Bacon is the Bomb” in Arabic.

Think how useful a little tube of lard could be in a hostage situation. You sneak it around to the other hostages, everyone smears it on, and then you tell the Muslim criminals. “Touch me, and you touch lard.”

Actually, I could say that as a general rule. But I’m losing weight every week.

Prince Abdullah’s butt bomber is going to father a generation of imitators, unless Islamic extremists have matured a lot over the last year or two. When they discovered the IED, it became an enduring craze. This should be no different.

And here we are, with a PC wimp in the White House. “Carter II” was an understatement.

It’s going to be an interesting fall.

20 Responses to “Mohammed Calls up the Rear Guard”

  1. Sigivald Says:

    Can’t the sub be put under one of the rear seats or something like that? There’s usually storage space under truck rear seats, and if you don’t mind sacrificing it, you should be able to manage.

    That said, if you’re going to go audiophile about the stereo in your diesel truck and worry about frequencies you can’t get without a separate subwoofer, there’s probably something wrong with you.

    You might look into bigger non-woofer speakers; my old Toyota had some side-cabin storage areas that I had 6″ speakers jammed into, and they do very well indeed.

  2. Rick C Says:

    “Anyone willing to eat a piece of pork at a boarding gate should be allowed to bypass security screening.”

    I remember that two of the 9/11 bombers were living in Coral Springs, and the local news talked about how they did all sorts of un-islamic things like going to strip clubs.

    Martyrdom apparently supercedes rules about things like pork.

  3. Heather P. Says:

    ” Anyone willing to eat a piece of pork at a boarding gate should be allowed to bypass security screening. And we should make airline seats from pigskin, and airline passengers should carry lard with them. No bomb? No pig-molecule contamination for Mohammed’s servants. How can they object?”

    You are a total genius!! You should be running the TSA and Homeland Security! I’m completely serious, these ideas would have never occured to me! You could go even farther in making the airplane seats out of pigskin and have little flying pig images on them. I’m not joking.

  4. Steve H. Says:

    “That said, if you’re going to go audiophile about the stereo in your diesel truck and worry about frequencies you can’t get without a separate subwoofer, there’s probably something wrong with you.”
    .
    You really ought to start researching before posting critical comments. A double bass produces many notes which fall below the frequency response curve on small speakers. The lowest note on a double bass is 40 Hz. The speakers I just bought are useless below 70. There are entire measures of jazz music that would come across as silence. I don’t think wanting to avoid missing long sections of songs means there is something wrong with me.
    .
    My guess is that you don’t know who Ray Brown is.
    .
    You should also take a ride in a late model diesel before you draw conclusions about the noise level. Your comment suggests you’ve never ridden in one. And I don’t think you understand how floor space in a four-door pickup works. The seats fold up for cargo, so a subwoofer under a seat is a problem.

  5. richard mcenroe Says:

    I suddenly have this image of Andrew Sullivan running around yelling, “I’m a B-52!”

  6. Jason Says:

    Steve –

    I think Crutchfield carries a line of subs defined to fit in unused spaces in cars and trucks.

  7. walt Says:

    Yes, Crutchfield is great, I have done business with them for years – top notch service and selection. Regarding the pork ideas, I suggest playing songs like “Pork Soda (by Primus) over air port intercoms (maybe even the plane’s intercom) just to keep things interesting.

  8. Aaron's cc: Says:

    CafePress banned my design: http://logo.cafepress.com/8/735262.727768.jpg But this is still available: http://www.cafepress.com/aaronscase/727942
    .

    .
    I blogged years ago that mass transportation seats should all be made of pigskin as splodeydope retardant since they believe that swine shapnel denies them their 72 virginal Helen Thomases (OK, that was redundant). Also noted an Israeli rabbi’s approval of having pork on public buses.

    I’d wear a pig-suede yarmulke in a moment.

  9. rightisright Says:

    I couldn’t find a decent subwoofer/box to fit in my F350 Crewcab without taking up floor space.
    .

    I ended up building my own box to fit behind the rear seat. I used a single 10″ woofer and built the box out of MDF to match the cu/in of internal space the manufacturer recommended. Saved some bucks and it sounded great.

  10. Ric Locke Says:

    None of your ideas will work re: Islamic bombers.
    .
    Remember that Muslims are allowed to lie. In fact, Muslims are encouraged to lie if they think it will let them either get by in a hostile (to them) environment, or support the advance of Islam. A Muslim with a bomb up his butt could and would eat the whole pig, trotters, snout, and all, if he thought it would get him on the airplane where he could do God’s work.
    .
    Muslims can and do eat pork and deal with pig products as part of this process of “dissimulation”. If they couldn’t, no Muslim (bomber or otherwise) would be able to live in the United States. Pork products are worse than peanuts — they’re everywhere! they’re everywhere!.
    .
    Regards,
    Ric

  11. Steve H. Says:

    How do you know Muslim terrorists eat pork? This is not consistent with the whining they emit when the idea of fighting terror with pork is mentioned. Lying is not the same as eating pork. Freedom to lie to infidels is not a dispensation, as pork consumption would be; it’s a fundamental tenet of Islam. In other words, it’s not a violation of the rules, so you don’t need an imam’s permission to do it. Where did you find the information about terrorists having permission to eat pork?

  12. km Says:

    Steve – Islam seems to be a quintessential “situational ethics” sort of deal. I tend to think Ric is probably right on that one.

  13. Rick C Says:

    “Where did you find the information about terrorists having permission to eat pork?”

    I don’t know for a fact that they do, but if they can go to strip clubs and get drunk, like the 9/11 hijackers who lived in Florida did, I don’t see why they can’t eat pork.

    Martyrdom has precedence over regular rules, doesn’t it?

  14. Steve H. Says:

    “I tend to think ”
    .
    Let’s shoot for “know.”

  15. Steve H. Says:

    “I don’t know for a fact that they do”
    .
    AHA!
    .
    Don’t make me quote Felix Unger (PBUH).

  16. Rick C Says:

    The problem, of course, is you’re hardly going to get a straight answer to the question, are you? What we CAN do is make hopefully informed guesses, like that people who are willing to visit strip clubs and get drunk might not worry too much about a ham sandwich.

    It’s sort of a Pascal’s Wager situation.

  17. Aaron's cc: Says:

    Pork-contact is an Islamic heaven dealbreaker. Otherwise the deterrent of the unrefuted-but-unconfirmed story of General Pershing wouldn’t have worked. http://www.snopes.com/rumors/pershing.asp
    .
    Interesting bit of trivia over the remains of Mark the Evangelist: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_the_Evangelist#Fate_of_his_remains
    .
    Lying isn’t a problem. Google “taqiyya”.
    .
    Pederasty isn’t a dealbreaker, either.
    .
    http://tinyurl.com/ybob296
    http://tinyurl.com/yer7s5e
    http://www.islam-watch.org/Others/Islamic-sexual-perversion.htm
    http://tinyurl.com/yaywxf5
    http://tinyurl.com/yfxeart
    .
    Google “bacha baazi” and “bacha bereesh”.
    .
    related:
    http://tinyurl.com/y9jh2ks
    http://tinyurl.com/ydsr3rt

  18. ErikZ Says:

    I think expecting them to play by the rules when they’re trying to kill us is naive.

  19. Steve H. Says:

    Violations of trivial Islamic rules are the main reason they bombed the World Trade Center.

  20. Titan Mk6B Says:

    Don’t use black for the bed liner. My truck is the same color as yours and I had the liner done the truck paint color. IT. LOOKS. MARVELOUS. I doubt it will fade since they use the same pigment as the paint on the truck. The only drawback is that particular color was $75 more.