How Col. Kurtz Got His Start
September 25th, 2009Up the Indian River
In a comment, someone said something about how I should use the new Dodge for something other than the McDonald’s drive-thru. I really don’t think this thing will fit in the nearest drive-thru. Taking the Thunderbird through it makes me nervous. It’s very tight.
The other day, I encountered one of the incredibly stupid, dangerous, and wasteful traffic islands the mayor of Karl Goebbels Coral Gables has put in our streets, and I had to back the truck up and correct the angle in order to get through it. Then I realized I could just run over it, so that’s my plan for next time. I won’t mash the little palm tree in the middle of it, but I’ll run my tires over the masonry. Sorry about that, Mayor Slesnick. You should have known better.
Suddenly I’m glad I bought the lifetime wheel alignment over at Firestone.
The mayor hates pickup trucks already. He was highly distressed when Coral Gables got dinged in the now-famous pickup lawsuit in 2007. For weeks, he could barely stomach his tofu. The guy who sued is the brother of a lawyer who beat me and my dad in an employment case. That lawyer handled the pickup case. I guess I can forgive him now. Thanks to him, I can park an aircraft carrier in front of my house. God bless him. Before the lawsuit, pickups were illegal, so the law was slanted in favor of vehicles such as Mayor Slesnick’s pink Prius covered with Miami City Ballet bumper stickers. I assume that’s what he drives. What else could it be?
I’m kidding. I guarantee you, it’s a Mercedes or a BMW. I don’t even have to look.
I can’t stand those traffic islands. They’re supposed to slow traffic down. I would guess that part of the purpose is to slow people down when they’re running from the cops. Miami is slowly sinking under a pile of traffic impediments intended to stop crime. Hopefully they’ll never block the streets to the point where people can’t leave for good.
Some of the islands are funny. I guess I should describe what they are, so you’ll understand. It’s a circular concrete thing in the middle of an intersection. It’s about four inches high and twelve feet across. They build the curbs up around them so, in theory, you’re forced to turn and go in a circle. But some of them are constructed incorrectly, so I just zip right through at 40 miles per hour. It’s not my fault they can’t build them right. I wish I could fly through one while Slesnick was on the sidewalk, walking his poodles. I would love to see the look on his face.
One of the islands near me was too open, so they rebuilt it. And it’s STILL too open. So I still shoot through! For some reason, I find that incredibly funny. It probably cost the city $15,000 to rebuild it, and they achieved absolutely nothing. It’s legal to drive fast through these things. There are no reduced-speed signs.
My sister has a standing offer to represent anyone who gets injured, running into one of these silly things. No charge. I look forward to the day when the Gables gets hit with a $50 million verdict. Then the islands will be removed, and hopefully, so will Slesnick.
I don’t really care. This place is beyond fixing. Either you like small lots, crowded streets, high taxes, and Nuremberg-worthy zoning laws, or you don’t. I don’t.
My dad is making noises about leaving Miami. A friend of ours up in Brevard County wants us to come up so he can show us around. I’ve been wanting to get out for a long time, but I didn’t want to leave my father here. A year or two ago, he got on the bandwagon, and we decided to look for a compound which we could fortify with Claymores and machine gun nests. But we never got it going. Now he’s saying he wants to drive up there. And we finally have a vehicle in which we will be considered presentable.
“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.” Maybe that applies to me, as well as to men who are actually good. I feel like the pieces of my life are falling into place. A move out of this unpleasant city would be a wonderful example. I am tired of living in a city that has voodoo temples and goat sacrifices and nude beaches. And the country’s worst traffic. If I could get up every morning and look out over an acre or more and see a huge pickup truck and a whole bunch of fruit trees, I would think I had arrived in paradise. The land of Bible clingers and McCain stickers.
Is it too much to hope for?
September 25th, 2009 at 2:25 PM
Its probably time.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:47 PM
I am so not missing Florida traffic.
Re fruit trees: people here are just as wasteful of their fruit as they are in Florida where mangos rot on the ground and go for 79 cents each at Publix. There’s a house on the way to the library I walk past and it has a pear tree that is now full of pears. The last time I went walking that way they were all over the ground being eaten by wasps. And black walnut trees are all over the place, full of walnuts, which no one bothers to pick. And there’s what looks like an apple tree on route 250 on the way to Waynesboro, just growing by the side of the road, full of apples turning red. It doesn’t seem to belong to anyone — it’s in front of a parking lot. Maybe I’ll stop there one day. And maybe those pears aren’t very good — I’ve heard you have to pick them early or they get all sandy.
The Black Angus cows though, I know they don’t go to waste. Meat is much cheaper here than in Florida. Yum.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:03 PM
When you come up to Brevard you will be sworn to secrecy as to what you find. No cameras allowed, either. I used to live in Belleair Beach on the west coast but came over here for the peace and quiet. It is a bit redneck, which I count as a plus. Pickup trucks are the common currency of the proletariat.
If you can get used to not having instant access to goods and services as you would in a large city, this place is fine. Did I mention that the taxes are reasonable? Did I also mention that you can also purchase land in large allotments at a reasonable price?
September 25th, 2009 at 3:57 PM
Plenty of room up here in Jacksonville, too! The latest issue of my DINK-ish neighborhood’s monthly newspaper, in a section of tips for citizens concerned about recent robberies, contained advice on how to get a concealed carry permit. It’s not South Georgia, but it’s not too far from it. For better or for worse.
September 25th, 2009 at 4:14 PM
So Andrea, ya gonna stop and crab a cow with the apples?
September 25th, 2009 at 9:01 PM
Have you ever thought about getting the heck out of Florida altogether? I understand that you probably appreciate the weather to grow your plants, but it always seemed like Tennessee or Texas would be more your style.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:12 PM
I hate to say this, but knowing the general vicinity of your house, the mayor has little, if anything to do with some of those circular islands. I met up with them the last time I was down there. It would appear that the area near the bridge is part of unincorporated Dade . . . however, they like to say they are in the Gables. The new homeowner association of these folks put in those wonderful things. I have news for you, I have trouble navigating them with a beater of Toyota Corolla.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:22 PM
You know what they do slow down? Fire trucks. In fact, many times they have to take different routes thereby increasing the response time when people who want them or their pet poodles are sick or on fire. Unfortunately it also slows down the trucks when they are responding to real peoples problems.
September 26th, 2009 at 12:33 AM
dont forget the rifle range in Palm Bay….
September 26th, 2009 at 4:30 AM
Move to California. Oceanside. Just south of Camp Pendleton. I don’t know about the nude beaches complaint. They’re not hurting anybody. I ASSume. I went to UCSD and went to Black’s Beach to study. I liked looking up from my math texts and seeing naked women walking by. It made me smile.
Of course, here, the Mexicans would piss you off. There’s something about car horns at 4:30/5:00am that might get on your nerves. My secretary says horns are Mexican doorbells. Amazing that people who are industrious enough to get up at that hour are too lazy to go knock on a door.
September 26th, 2009 at 8:52 AM
What is the employment scene there? Maybe hurricanes aren’t so bad. I am sure Flor Fina would be delighted for us move down there and build our own compound.
September 26th, 2009 at 10:15 AM
I recently read an article on the proliferation of speed bumps in Britain: Seems as though they actually COST more lives than they save. You see, emergency vehicles such as fire trucks and ambulances have to slow down for them, same as the proletariate. So, when the ambulace is delayed getting that heart attack victim to the hospitale, he could croak, thus offsetting the life of the kid who might have been ‘saved’ by the traffic being slowed.
You do need to move to a rural area, you’ll be much happier. It’ll be great if you can get your Dad convinced of this also. Tell him to sell the boat and replace it with a skidsteer, backhoe, or small ‘dozer. Maybe all 3. Any would be as much fun for HIM as the boat, and he can have ALL the fun when doing work for friends. With the boat, he’s doing all the work, for not much fun when hosting friends for fishing. Plus, THEY buy the beer when you’re doing work for them, they don’t expect to drink yours.
September 26th, 2009 at 4:31 PM
Brian, thats true isn’t it. My crazy neighbors, the nice Mexicans, get up at 4 to go to work. They turn on every light they can get to. They play music. Whoopee. Then when their ride gets here, he honks. I suppose they are being delicate by only honking once.
September 26th, 2009 at 8:11 PM
Traffic circles surrounded by the Gables are in unincorporated Dade?
.
Hard to believe. The Gables wanted to put one on my street, and they were unable to do it, because only half of the street is in the Gables. The other side is South Miami.
.
In any event, Slesnick’s disdain for trucks made the Colbert Report.
September 26th, 2009 at 11:57 PM
I have to disagree with you on the traffic circles in the Gables. I drive through two of them every day. Both replaced four way stop intersections. It eliminated big back ups and the traffic flows through them very nicely. I drive a Ford Expedition, not a small car, and the only time I had any trouble was when I was pulling an 18 foot boat. Then it wasn’t much of a problem, I just drove over it. By the way, a few weeks back I saw a guy wearing a big straw hat rooting through a trash pile by the Grenada Bridge. I thought it might have been you looking for wood. If it wasn’t, someone else is intruding on your territory.
September 27th, 2009 at 10:47 AM
Some were improvements. Others are huge problems.
.
One fun effect: people who live on streets without circles now have greatly increased traffic. The noise is awful.