Heavenly White Bread for Bad Cooks

Yesterday I wrote a piece about British actor John Cleese, saying how disappointed I was in him. I used to think he was something more than a good comic actor, but gradually I realized he wasn’t a great screenwriter or a particularly witty or smart person. He tweeted something pretty asinine about the Rittenhouse case, and I felt like responding.

I took the piece down. I felt it was just too crabby.

Today I feel like making amends. I’ll post a recipe for the most delicious white bread imaginable. It’s very easy to make. I like it better than croissants, baguettes, and, well, anything. The recipe will produce a loaf of rich, moist bread you’ll have a hard time staying away from.

It’s similar to white bread I’ve made in the past, but it’s better.

INGREDIENTS

520 g bread flour
1.5 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. instant yeast
2 tbsp. sugar
4 tbsp. butter
310 g warm water
1/2 tsp. diastatic malt extract (Amazon)

Blend the dry things first in the food processor. Then blend in the water until the dough is well mixed. Maybe 20 seconds. Wait 10 minutes. Blend in butter (softening in advance will speed this up). Butter a bread pan after salting the butter.

Form a loaf and put it in the pan. Butter it with more salted butter. Bake about 30 minutes at 440°.

You will have to watch the top of the loaf. If it browns too fast, you can put something between the bread and the upper heating element.

I use steel nonstick pans. Nothing fancy.

The bread will come out with a delicious, salty, buttery crust. If you cut it while it’s too hot, you may crush the inside of it. It gets firmer as it cools. It’s best to use a very sharp serrated knife and move it back and forth very fast while you cut, making sure you’re cutting instead of pushing the knife down through the bread. Light pressure is key.

If you have no shame at all, make this bread and prepare a lot of preserves and soft butter. Eat it while it’s hot. It’s decadent. You can have it with hot chocolate or tea with lots of milk and sugar.

When it cools, it makes an excellent sandwich bread. It’s also a good foundation for Texas toast. You just salt a slice, dip both sides in garlic butter, and brown it in a skillet.

This bread is a godsend for bad bakers. It’s hard to mess up. If you can breathe, you can make this bread.

You will need a big, powerful food processor to mix this much dough. If that’s a problem, you can always use a mixer or your hands, but don’t knead it too much, because you’ll get tiny, uniform bubbles like the ones in Wonder Bread.

I ordered myself some miniature bread pans. I like homemade bread, but I can’t deal with big loaves. They sit on the counter and taunt me until I eat them. Small loaves are much less dangerous. I haven’t tried one yet, but I’m hoping they will be better than big loaves because of the high crust-to-insides ratio. I think this recipe would make better dinner rolls than anything I’ve tried, but I’m just guessing.