Dad Wants a Better Class of Dementia Patients

I am still trying to come up with a long-term strategy for my dad’s care. Maybe I shouldn’t use the phrase “long-term,” since he doesn’t have long to live.

Yesterday, I visited him in the ALF where he is on a respite stay. As always, the conversation eventually turned to his favorite subject: the “need” to take him home. He will talk about this as long as I stay and listen.

He says the ALF is depressing. That’s true. I wanted to put him in the main area, which isn’t too bad, but he had to be placed in the memory care unit, which is not as nice. He also claims he can take care of himself, which is not even worth discussing. He keeps saying he misses me.

I am not sure how seriously to take him when he says he misses me. I suspect he would be fine without me in a facility where he got more stimulation. When I used to take him to lunch, he would try to engage me in conversation, non-stop, until the second the food arrived. After that, I didn’t hear much from him until he had eaten his fill. It was as though I had disappeared. He had something new to focus on, so I receded into the background. When I show up at the ALF, it relieves his boredom temporarily, so naturally, he thinks he misses me. Maybe if he had things to distract him, he wouldn’t think about me as much.

I’m sure he misses me to some extent, but he is probably exaggerating it in order to manipulate me and get what he wants.

Yesterday he got so wound up he tried to follow me when I left. I had to walk off and leave him behind. I waved goodbye before they opened the door. He was standing by his room with his walker. That was not pleasant.

I found a company called Carefamily. They have a website. They help people find in-home help. They provide insurance and tax help, and their people have had background checks. It looks pretty neat. For around $3000 per month, I can have someone show up for 8 hours every day. In case you’re wondering, Visiting Angels charges $24 to $30 per hour in this area, so I would be looking at around $6000 per month for the same services.

I feel sorry for my dad, so it’s tempting to get in-home care, but I think he will still be too hard to deal with.

Today I revisited the nicest ALF I know of. I found it last year. It’s cleaner and brighter than the one he’s in now. It’s like comparing a Days Inn to a Hyatt. They seem to have real activities instead of a TV and some old furniture. The people are not as feeble as the ones my dad lives with now.

I can put him there next week. They have a shared room available. They don’t have a private room right now. I am concerned that he might cause problems with his roommate, but the ALF people don’t seem to think it’s an issue.

When I visited the current ALF yesterday, I saw two roaches in the dining room. One was tiny, but the other was a full-grown German roach. It was strolling around on a wall. I pointed it out to a staffer, and she said she would have to call maintenance. That was the extent of the response. The roach continued its junket undisturbed.

I don’t think the nicer place would permit that.

My dad complains that the people he is with are in bad shape, and he also thinks they’re the wrong social class. He’s a former lawyer, and the folks in his ALF appear to be lower middle class and working class. I suppose there is something to his objection. Even if no one in the place is quite right, they are still not like demented people who are educated. The nicer ALF has educated residents, and they seem to have it more together.

The nicer ALF has the same smell issues as the current ALF, but the smells occupy a smaller percentage of the building.

If he were to go into the shared room, it would be a quick fix with little aggravation. There is furniture waiting for him. If he moved to a private room later, I would have to buy a bed, a dresser, a night stand, and a couple of chairs. That kind of thing takes time.

They offer yoga, so if he goes, I’m going to have to make sure they don’t involve him in that or any other eastern religion. No meditation. No “mindfulness.” He doesn’t need to be pushed toward hell or increased demonic influence.

Maybe the best thing is to extend his current stay and then move him from the current place to the nicer place. It’s farther away and it costs more, but nothing is perfect.

I am still looking for facilities that are closer. I don’t want to drive 25 minutes every time I want to see him.

My friend Mike calls often to give me advice and encouragement. He knew George Steinbrenner. He told me Steinbrenner’s story. When dementia started to set in, Steinbrenner got his kids together and told them. He turned all of his affairs over to them. He knew they were going to end up running his businesses, and he wanted them to get started so they could learn. He backed away gracefully and didn’t burden everyone.

We both knew Joe Robbie’s kids when we were young. Mike knew them better than I did, and he kept up with what happened to them. When Robbie died, his empire fell apart. He didn’t prepare for death. Mike says Robbie was all about himself, so he didn’t do the right things. Now there is no Joe Robbie Stadium, and the Dolphins don’t belong to the family.

Mike’s dad didn’t prepare for death, either, and he didn’t look out for his kids. He sabotaged Mike’s business and took money that rightfully belonged to Mike.

Mike says I have to consider myself, because my dad never will. That’s not exactly right; he made me his sole beneficiary, and he insisted on going to an estate attorney last year. Still, I have to agree that he would let me throw my life away in order to live the way he wants. He has already started.

We will see what develops. I am going to get this done with God’s help.