Best Part: Feminist Heroine Named “Gal”

I am stuck here for a few minutes, so I will write some more. I will review the movie Wonder Woman.

My friend Mike came to visit, and he likes watching movies, so we rented a few things. Very shallow stuff. Jack Reacher, for example. You don’t want to watch Ingmar Bergman after a day of shooting and BBQ (or ever). Wonder Woman, a movie which got hysterical stellar reviews, made the list.

I was curious to see what the fuss was about. I still am.

When this movie came out, people acted like it was the greatest film ever made. They raved. They acted like they had never seen a female superhero in a movie before. They acted like the idea of a female superhero was a sudden blast of genius, like the invention of the nuclear reactor or even the couch-sized Snuggie. I wondered what I was missing. Maybe that’s why they call her Wonder Woman. Everyone wonders why the reviews are so great.

Here is what I saw: a thick-headed, uninformed, well-meaning exhibitionist “goddess” who belongs to an advanced civilization that has never invented the wheel or electricity and has somehow failed to conclude that people are bad.

What if I make a crazy suggestion? For the first time today, I mean? What if I suggest the media establishment has a sick anti-male, pro-woman bias, and their obsession with promoting their agenda is what’s driving the crazy reviews?

No. I won’t hear of it.

If you read a spoiler after this point, it’s on you.

An American spy serving the British (????) crashes a stolen German biplane near a giant, invisible island full of Amazons. It’s probably 1918. He has just escaped from a German fortress, in a hilly area which doesn’t appear to be anywhere close to water. He has not been gone long enough for the tiny gas tank in his biplane to be empty. Maybe 15 minutes? The Germans are right behind him, having caught up in…a battleship.

I’m not kidding. Watch it yourself. The plane probably does 50 knots, and it had a head start, but a big, wobbly battleship not only chased it successfully, but gained ground on it, implying the ship is actually faster.

Okay.

That must be some headwind.

The Amazons apparently have some kind of code which says they have to kill every man who shows up. Kind of like the Jenners. I’m not sure. Anyway, Wonder Genius does exactly what you would expect. She violates the Prime Anti-Toxic-Masculinity Directive, enraging Queen Allred the Gorgon, and saves the spy. A bunch of Germans chase them onto the beach, and there is a fight. Germans with rifles v. Amazons with arrows, spears, and little outfits that show their underwear every single time they move. Totally realistic battle dress.

Why do the Amazons fight with primitive weapons? Well, I’m not saying it’s because engineers invent weapons and women are bad at math. Whatever the answer is, I’m not saying that.

Predictably, the Amazons win, even though some get shot. What happens to the German ship? No idea. I guess the captain got bored and decided to go home. Because that would totally make sense.

My charitable guess: I was in the bathroom when the Amazons sunk the ship with their estrogen cannon.

Wonder Woman, who lives on an island full of full-time warriors, is very surprised to learn that human beings fight…wars. She will not have it. She won’t! She concludes that Aries (Mars, in other words) must be mesmerizing human beings to make them mean. Because living on an island completely populated by women, she has never seen anger, pettiness, unforgiveness, or spite.

Oh, no. That would not happen.

I guess someone must own the copyright to Mars, because it would have been a much better name. How many Americans know Aries is also the “god” of war? Probably four.

They must have given up negotiations with the Mars bar people, to rent the name. Think of the tie-ins they could have come up with. Fried Mars bars at movie concession stands. Bruno Mars singing the theme song.

The Amazons have a sword called “the god-killer.” I don’t remember much about it, but I think they had it made so they could kill Aries. Which they haven’t bothered to do. In order to make sure it was put to good use, they locked it in a tower and made a law saying no one could touch it. You think Wonder Badger cares about that? Wonder Badger don’t care. She wants the sword, she takes it.

She gets in a boat with Steve the Spy and sails to England, practically forcing him to sleep with her (actual sleep) along the way. He has to promise to take her to the front, where she can kill Mars and put a permanent end to all this nasty masculine war and make everyone read GOOP every day.

BY THE POWER OF OPRAH!!!!

They find a mean German general she thinks is Mars. She kills him, and the war goes on. Being extremely stupid, she is surprised.

He wasn’t Aries. His super powers came from snorting a primitive form of crystal meth. If he had lived, he would have moved his headquarters into a trailer and spent the rest of his days contesting restraining orders. He would have been the first Prussian officer to go into battle wearing a mullet. He would have missed key operations because his 1992 Trans Am full of squirrels was up on blocks.

Later on, it turns out an English lord is really Aries. Sure. She fights him. He disintegrates her sword. It turns out she, not the sword, is the god-killer. Merit scholar that he is, he tells her this.

She wins, after she does the deed with Steve the Spy. Steve blows himself up in a plane full of poison gas bombs. He has to, in order to rid the world of the gas. Personally, I would have flown it down the road aways, gotten out, and blown it up from a safe distance. Then he could have blamed the dog, if you get my drift. But Steve has his reasons. I’m sure.

That’s it. That’s the whole movie. I may have made some mistakes, but I don’t care.

I have some complaints.

1. The main character is dumber than a sack of unusually dumb rocks.

Maybe that’s my only complaint.

No, wait.

2. The male co-protagonist or whatever kills himself for no reason whatsoever.

3. Wonder Woman kills no end of German men, as if they were cockroaches, but when she has a chance to crush the lady who makes the poison gas that killed her BF and a whole village full of charming, illiterate peasants, she gets all holy and refuses.

4. The teleporting German battleship…where did it go? Maybe it sailed to Burbank and became the Love Boat. No, Der Liebe Boat. Stubing is a German name.

5. The jokes are bad. Or were they jokes? Maybe there were no jokes.

6. The 2 biggest female characters can’t do a foreign accent. Asterisk: they are both actual foreigners.

7. The plot makes no sense. Aries is dead, and we keep having wars, as far as I know. What was the point?

8. The Amazons spread their legs at the camera over and over. It’s like the director was standing behind the camera, yelling, “SPREAD! SPREAD!” People seem to think this movie was about proving women are strong and useful and not to be objectified sexually. Am I the only one who sees the inconsistency? It’s like watching Marie Curie lecture in a G-string and pasties with propellers on them. One red and one white. Like the Polish flag.

The movie is not clever or original. In fact, it’s very stupid and trite. It’s not moving, unless you’re a 9-year-old girl or a gay man who wants to be every woman who wears shiny things and gets attention. It doesn’t do anything new. No frontiers have been expanded. It’s not Brokeback Mountain for women. Why are people so in love with it?

From a Christian standpoint, I’m not thrilled with it. The notion that women are morally superior to men and ought to be in charge is a Satanic notion that goes back to Eden. If you think women are morally superior, you must not know many women.

I don’t like the implication that pantheism is correct, either. Would DC even dream of creating a Christian superhero who blasts people with God’s power? I don’t think so. I don’t think anything affirming God’s authority has been put into this type of movie since the Lost Ark melted Belloq’s face. So why the endorsement of pantheism? And what about the “god-killer”? A woman with supernatural powers, created to kill a masculine “god.” Not a wholesome idea.

It’s a very dumb movie. And no one seems to realize it! That makes me nervous. When people believe the absurd, the supernatural is generally at work. I wonder if this movie has some kind of dark purpose, apart from wasting people’s time and promoting lust.

Right now, people are swooning over Gal Gadot, the star of the movie. Some feminists are urging her to change her name to “Womyn Gadot,” but that’s beside the point. My prediction: this is where her career will peak. She’s Sacha Baron Cohen, and Borat just went to cable. She looks great, but she’s a very weak actress. She will be Wonder Woman for the rest of her life, after a few unsuccessful efforts to branch out. Buy a nice pen and get ready to make a living signing autographs at comic conventions. We saved James Doohan’s seat for you. Mind the Otis Spunkmeyer muffin crumbs.

This movie makes me feel like I’ve been manipulated. “You HAVE to love this movie.” No, I don’t. It’s bad. Compared to this, Jack Reacher was Prince Hamlet of Denmark.

It’s like when people tell you you have to love the Beatles. Okay, sure. “She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah” has just as much artistic merit as “Gimme Shelter” and “Paint it Black.” “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” makes Hoagie Carmichael cry in his grave. No question about it. That’s why so many artists have covered it. Stop talking to me now.

I guess my clothes are finally ready to come out of the dryer. I’m done.