But You Can Still Smell my Feet for Old Times’ Sake

Halloween has, mercifully, passed once again, and I barely noticed it. For some reason, in his old age, my dad decided he liked kids and was obligated to hand out candy, so he has been passing out treats for years, but I want nothing to do with the holiday, so I’m glad to be done with it. I’m not a kid person, and aside from that, this holiday does not appeal to me.

In Miami, you have to hide your car on Halloween to keep the egg patrol from damaging it, and you are better off not driving. If you don’t pass out candy, you could be inviting vandalism from punks. Here, no one can get onto my property without scaling a fence (essentially forfeiting their lives), and aside from that, the people are less trashy, so trick-or-treating and vandalism are not realistic options. I am totally safe. Go, me!

When I was a little kid, Halloween was a lot of fun. Then when I was maybe ten, we started hearing stories about LSD in candy and razor blades in apples. I doubt these things actually happened, but by the time I was in high school, Halloween was making people nervous. Since then, the fun has gone completely out of it.

When I was in the sixth grade, I could go out after sundown (alone), trick-or-treat at every house for blocks around, stay out until ten, wear any costume I liked, and not worry too much about what would happen to me. Now parents do the unthinkable. They drive their kids around in minivans, to houses they’ve already cleared. The process starts right after school, and by sundown, it’s pretty much over. And God help you if you get your kid a costume which is homophobic, dismissive of global warming, upsetting to midgets, sexist (unless you’re woman dressing like a slut), equipped with a toy gun or sword, related to any ethnicity other than your own, or which indicates that at some point in your life, you might have eaten meat. Am I forgetting anything?

Halloween is now a big, long, leftist lecture which takes place under the cloud of the threat of pedophilia. Maybe kids should dress as Kevin Spacey. Who is not, technically, a pedophile. But leave me alone. I’m on a roll.

I’m complaining about Halloween, but I’m glad it’s dead, because it’s a huge Satanic holiday. Witches and other pagans get together and perform sick rituals to mark the occasion. It’s not a joke to them. They take holidays like Halloween and May Day very, very seriously. No wonder so many antisocial, destructive acts are performed on Halloween. It’s like the devil’s Christmas.

A lot of people think people like me are uptight for criticizing Halloween, but then they’re not hard core Christians. They don’t see anything wrong with celebrating demons and other evil spirits, because they don’t really believe they exist. I’ve seen demons, so I would feel stupid and disloyal taking part in their big day. Jesus visited me on two occasions. Can you blame me for taking spirits seriously?

Imagine you could see Jesus and Satan. Say you’re sitting in your living room with Jesus, feeling horrified by all the bad things you’ve done and thanking him for saving you. Then Satan knocks on the door and asks if you want to celebrate Halloween. What would you say? The fact that you can’t see them doesn’t mean they’re not real, or that your debt to Jesus is imaginary. Why would you even think of celebrating the spirit that played the most prominent role in getting Jesus tortured to death?

There are churches which try to capitalize on Halloween. Some have Halloween celebrations, which is kind of sick. Here’s a wild idea: how about if people just abandon the holiday without trying to fill the void? Life will go on without Halloween. We have more holidays than ever before. It’s a wonder anyone gets anything done at work. Why not dump Halloween and put more energy into Thanksgiving? Or go out on Halloween night and have some magnificent rib eyes at a high-end steakhouse. You won’t be home listening to the doorbell, and you won’t be dragged into a holiday you find repugnant. And it will be very easy to get reservations.

I did absolutely nothing for Halloween, and I feel okay. I don’t think I harmed myself.

I don’t owe strangers’ kids candy. There, I said it! There’s nothing wrong with sitting inside with the lights on and refusing to come out. The obligation only exists in other people’s minds. That doesn’t make it real. Thank God we’re not expected to hand things out on other holidays. What if your neighbors decided to create a holiday where they knock on your door and you give them jewelry?

This year I read something really upsetting about Halloween. Idiot parents load their kids into vehicles and drive them to better neighborhoods where they expect to get more candy. Really? Who decided that was okay? Your kids, who I don’t know from Adam’s housecat, are at my door trying to guilt me into giving them Butterfingers, and you’re looking around my yard to see if I leave my lawnmower out where you can steal it. No. This is unacceptable. There are limits even during this orgy of entitlement. If I felt like giving out candy at all, I would only want it to go to local kids. I would not load up on candy to feed trashy invaders.

I think I’ve finally escaped Halloween. I’m hoping I never feel pressured to deal with it again. I’m also down on large birthday and Christmas presents as well as forced Valentine’s Day expenditures. If your wife has to have a special holiday in order to feel loved, roses and an expensive dinner aren’t the solution. You’ve been blowing it all year. You can’t fix it in one day. And where is the romance in being jammed into a restaurant with two hundred other sheep who can’t think for themselves? There is no such thing as herd romance.

Romance is supposed to be spontaneous and, at the same time, routine. Romantic gestures should occur throughout the year, and your spouse shouldn’t see them coming because they happen on certain preordained days. What could be less romantic than a gift you’re required to give? If you have to give it, it’s not a gift. You’re paying a bill.

The IRS has a Valentine’s Day of its own: April 15. On February 14, you have to give your wife roses and food. On April 15, you have to give the IRS your taxes. Both payments are equally grounded in love.

Anyway, the lack of Halloween hassles is one more reason to love Ocala. It’s like a Hurricane just hit another state.

My escape is not without interludes of pain. I may have to go to Miami this weekend, to move some junk up here and deal with some real estate hassles. I think I’d rather stay here and have a painful, embarrassing, expensive medical procedure. I dread the traffic, the Spanish, the rudeness, and the heat. But sometimes you have to do things you don’t like.

The other day I was thinking about how I feel when I think about visiting Miami, and I wondered if heavenly spirits feel the same way about visiting the earth. If I were in heaven, you could not drag me back to this rotten place unless the alternative was damnation. It must be very unpleasant for God and the angels to spend time here. Similarly, Miami is a step backward for me. It will be like visiting prison after a year on parole. I hate that place more every day.

I already look forward to leaving Miami again. What a rathole. I wish such places did not exist. The more I experience the warm, gentle people of northern Florida, the more contempt I have for Miami morals and manners. It’s not a matter of taste. Cities like Miami and New York are, objectively, inferior places to live, and the cultures are inferior.

I’m sitting here trying to think of something Miami has that will redeem the trip. “At least I’ll be able to get this. At least I’ll be able to get that.” No; it’s not coming. There is no restaurant, no store, no park, no church, no natural feature, no nothing that I miss. New York is disgusting, but at least I could look forward to the food. Not that it would justify the trip.

I’m also going to miss New Year’s Day! That will be great. No explosions. No drunks. Man. That will be a welcome experience.

I hope your cars and houses were not egged, and that your kids didn’t make you get them Harry Potter costumes. If you gave in this year, you can always turn it around in 2018.

Dang. I better get out of here. CVS probably has chocolate on sale.