Archive for April, 2010

Optical Allusion

Thursday, April 22nd, 2010

Glass Shopping

Still thinking about optics. Reader Blindshooter recommended a Leupold VX-3 scope with a 50mm objective, in 6.5×20 power. It’s confusing because it comes in various versions, including tactical and varmint/target.

I can’t use the new gun unless I have a scope when it arrives. I suppose I could borrow a scope from one of my other guns.

With all the ammunition and crap I’ve ordered recently, I’m surprised Janet Napolitano hasn’t friended me on Facebook.

Ought to be a man and get a gun safe while they’re on sale.

Cinderella Boy

Thursday, April 22nd, 2010

Tears in his Eyes, I Guess

I keep waking up full of energy, ready to attack the day.

This is not normal.

I have always hated getting up in the morning. For that matter, I have never been a big fan of going to bed. When I was in college, my friends used to bang on my door with their fists at noon, trying to get me up so I could have lunch with them at Happy Burger, over on Broadway.

Great burgers, by the way.

To get back to mornings, for most of my life, I have regarded getting up as a great evil, to be avoided at all costs. I used to get up and literally stumble around, trying to get it together. I would do stupid things like putting the cereal in the refrigerator and the milk in the cupboard. It was pretty awful.

For a long time, I’ve used coffee to reset my morning clock. I would get up and have a quart of coffee to get the wheels turning. It worked pretty well, although it tended to make me a little crabby later on. Which I sort of enjoyed. Okay, not really.

A while back, I started getting the idea that God wanted me to give up coffee. It started keeping me awake at night, which was new. I would drink coffee to get up and take antihistamine to get to sleep. I began to feel as though it was time to let the caffeine go.

This was alarming. I have nearly given up artificial sweeteners, I can’t drink sugary soda all day, fruit juice is just as sugary as soda, and tea gives me kidneystones. Without coffee, I would be lost. What would I drink? A Christian can’t swill beer all day. Not unless he’s a monk. Then it’s okay. Ha ha. Religious humor.

I gave up real coffee, switching to decaf. If there is a difference in the taste, I can’t tell. I thought I would miss the caffeine rush, but that hasn’t happened. I get up every morning and have a quart of unleaded, I enjoy it, and I don’t get crabby. No crabbier than I was to start with.

I thought I would be unable to move until noon, but that hasn’t panned out. I wake up, I spend an hour or so in prayer, and I get out of bed anxious to get stuff done and experience the day. That is just plain weird. Like a mental illness. I don’t understand it. But it’s wonderful.

I had to have coffee to go with breakfast. My breakfast is pathetic. I eat a small amount of oatmeal with salt and sugar or maple syrup. I have to have something else with it, or I would go insane. Now I eat my oatmeal and enjoy my decaf, and I don’t miss country ham and hot biscuits and gravy. All that much.

I’ll tell you something funny. When you fast regularly, no matter what you eat for breakfast, your first meal of the day will seem like a banquet. You will wake up every morning and think, “Thank GOD I don’t have to drink water all day today.” I enjoy my crappy oatmeal and fake coffee a great deal.

We have spirits that hinder us and sap our energy and waste our time and discourage us. I think mine are getting pounded these days. I feel full of optimism, and I am receiving what Christians refer to as “favor,” which means things are going well even when I’m not paying attention.

I’ll give an example. I kept thinking about buying an AR10. But they cost a lot of money. Although I knew Gunbroker was hopeless, I looked at the ads. One day a gun I liked popped up for a hundred dollars below cost. If you order one from the factory, it takes months, because Obama is the savior of the gun industry and he has increased demand beyond manufacturers’ wildest hopes. Still, I got it for very little.

Let’s see. Here is another one. I designed a Cafepress T-shirt and ordered one for myself. When it came, it seemed to have some kind of goo on the front. I called and complained. They said they would send me a new one, but they said the old one might be okay after I washed it. So I washed it, and it came out fine, and I get to keep the first one. So I have two shirts.

I already wrote the story about my ticket to the National Day of Prayer.

Now my church’s cafe is going nuts. I have been frustrated because of the lack of a beverage fountain, and since I started making cheesecake, I have been thinking about the need for stuff that will allow us to sell cold food. I went to church yesterday, and there was a beautiful new Pepsi fountain at the cafe! It was there on Sunday, but I didn’t notice. And the pastor who runs the cafe started telling me about all the new stuff they were getting, so people would be able to buy cold things like desserts! I never told him we needed that. Never mentioned it, as far as I know.

Psalm 127 says, “It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows, for so he giveth his beloved sleep.” That last bit can also be translated, “He blesses his beloved even when they sleep.” It appears to be true.

Christians consistently overrate hard work. We want to feel like we’re showing our gratitude by working hard, but in reality, it’s a form of pride. We’re supposed to be given things we do not deserve, and we are supposed to glorify God for it. Sure, we work, but it’s not supposed to be utter drudgery. After all, Jesus said his yoke was easy and his burden was light. Your main obligations are to have faith and obey, not to do the heavy lifting. After all, Moses didn’t have to part the Red Sea with a bucket.

It can be very comforting to let yourself suffer and sweat, because it makes you feel like a martyr, and deep in your heart, you may start thinking you deserve the things you get from God. But it’s pride. There is nothing righteous about it. Adam didn’t deserve the trees in the garden. The Hebrews didn’t deserve manna or the Promised Land. We don’t deserve the Holy Spirit or the many blessings we get from God. We are welfare cases. Best to accept it. The suffering that is necessary is sufficient. We don’t have to add to it. That’s what I think.

And much of the work we do for God doesn’t feel like work, so it’s wrong to glorify yourself for doing it.

By the way, the rifle arrived faster than I thought I would. I posted a Youtube of me getting it ready to use. Check it out.

.308

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

*Exhale*

Some gun on an auction site went so low on a new .308 rifle, I went insane and bought it. I had no choice. It was unfair, really. He wanted over a hundred dollars less than my dealer’s cost.

Now, what kind of optics do I need? I plan to use this thing at the range for now, at 100 yards, but I would like a scope that would work later with a .260 barrel and long distances. Just once in my life, I would like to shoot something a thousand yards away.

I have the nuttiest feeling that God has been pushing me to get an AR10. I’m not really that excited about it. I can take it or leave it (or at least I could, until the price collapsed). It’s not like the .38 Super or the SW1911, which made me drool for weeks. Very strange.

Now Janet Napolitano’s goons will be putting a notation on my file. “Thinks God tells him to buy sniper rifles.”

I have no desire to drive around in a van shooting people. Honest. But I might get an urge to make a few prairie dogs pop like water balloons.

The Intergalactic Confederation of Armed Christians for Barbecue Reform

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

Call my People, O’Reilly

Isn’t life kooky.

Though a weird series of events, I got invited to the National Day of Prayer, in Washington, DC. Mike got invited through me. We were going to hear Franklin Graham speak. He is Billy Graham’s son.

Today I saw this story on Yahoo News: Group Wants Evangelist’s Pentagon Event Cancelled. Some guy named Mikey Weinstein–that’s really what he calls himself–says Graham should be disinvited because he has criticized Islam as “evil.”

Mr. Weinstein is in charge of an obscure outfit called the Military Religious Freedom Foundation. My wild guess: the foundation consists of an 800 number that goes to his cell phone. For years I’ve wanted to call myself a foundation or a coalition, purely to lampoon the practice of using pompous language to make oneself seem important, but I never got around to it. I know it would get me on cable news a lot. That’s where cable guests often come from. You form a corporation for $75, get an agent, and let the networks know you’re available. Seriously, that will get you on the news. Don’t forget to wear a suit, and get some glasses to make you look intelligent and serious.

His website lists no staff.

Points to ponder: how long has it been since Mikey Weinstein attended services at a house of worship, and what is his prayer schedule like? One would assume that a person who fights for religious freedom would have a religion which he wishes to be free to practice. Can’t find any references to Mr. Weinstein’s religious bent on the web.

According to Wikipedia, Mr. Weinstein has dedicated his life–no exaggeration–to battling evangelical Christianity. In other words, he is battling all Christians who believe the Bible. If you go to church on Christmas and Easter and you never pray, Mr. Weinstein has no problems with you, because you aren’t accomplishing anything. He is only after serious Christians.

Here is a clip from Wikipedia:

The group was founded by Michael Weinstein in early 2006 to oppose the spread of religious intimidation by evangelical Christians in positions of power within the US military. Weinstein describes the group’s target as “a small subset of evangelical Christianity that’s called premilliennial, dispensational, reconstructionist, dominionist, fundamentalist, evangelical Christianity or just Dominionist Christianity.”

Am I crazy, or is this persecution? If he were an atheist (he probably is, though) fighting all religions, I would not be hearing sirens, but targeting one branch of one religion seems bigoted and irrational. What would people say if I dedicated my life to fighting Orthodox Judaism or the Jehovah’s Witnesses, while leaving other religions unmolested? They’d call me a Crusader and a bigot. How is Mr. Weinstein any different?

Is he fighting Muslims who want to rearrange their work areas and schedules so they can pray? Is he fighting to keep healthy, inexpensive, delicious pork on the menus at military mess halls? Does he want to force Jewish soldiers to work on the sabbath? I wonder.

Mr. Weinstein is disturbed by Christianity’s influence over our military. Me, I think it’s the single best thing about our military. The political side of our government is extremely venal and godless, but our soldiers and sailors are still working to bring us God’s blessings. That’s very important. If there is one part of government you want God to bless, it’s the part that fights our enemies directly, by force of arms.

The Military Religious Freedom Foundation was nominated for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize! I saw that on the web. The Nobels are amazing. Does the list come directly from Satan’s desk, or what? Has anyone looked at the list? Is Satan’s signature at the bottom? Is the list delivered to Stockholm by an imp?

All you have to do is attack Christianity, capitalism, or America, and you make the cut. They should start calling them the Ignobel Prizes. They’ve become completely absurd. They used to go to people who did useful things like revolutionizing physics. Now all you have to do is lie about global warming or spend twenty days in the White House without achieving anything.

Mr. Weinstein is a lawyer, so he knows what “sandbagging” is. It means attacking your opponent at the last possible moment, so he has no time to prepare a defense. That’s what he’s doing with his attack on Franklin Graham. The event is taking place two weeks from now, and Mr. Weinstein has had a long time to get his spiel ready, and he waited until yesterday. He knows there will be no time for a thoughtful dialogue now. He’ll provoke a kneejerk, drive-by attack from the press, and if he manages to generate hysteria, it will still be in full bloom on the day of the event. Those are bush league tactics in my book.

Nonetheless, there is some validity to his position. When you ask the government to subsidize an event, you sell your soul to the founder of the feast. This is why universities are so crazy. They take piles of taxpayer money, and it comes with strings attached. By making the National Day of Prayer a government event, we pretty much asked for potshots from extremists. I don’t know why we need the government’s imprimatur. Seems to me we could just coordinate and show up on our own.

Church tax exemptions are problematic, too. Preachers have a responsibility to preach about politics, but if they uphold it, they run the risk of losing tax exemptions. So they stay quiet when God-hating fringe characters run for office. That harms America. Better to be like Jesus and let the fish you catch pay the taxes. That’s my opinion. If God is with you, presumably your flock will support you well enough to allow you to pay Uncle Sam to get lost.

I would like to see a wave of evangelism so strong, we would bury the malcontents and our government could go back to acknowledging God openly. But that hasn’t happened yet. We should take attacks like Mr. Weinstein’s as inspiration to evangelize and get the votes we need to produce a godly government. And we should pray for him to change and find the good things we’ve found.

I’m going to pray that the attack fizzles, and that we learn to mobilize in Washington without the government’s help. Leftists don’t need government help at Burning Man. We don’t need help with tea parties. We should be able to orchestrate massive prayer events on our own.

It’s Still Bragging, Even if it’s True

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

But…

1. CINNAMON ROLLS READY TO GO IN THE OVEN!

2. MADE HUGE PROGRESS MILLING A SHOTGUN PART!

Face it. My hobbies rule.

More

Here are the rolls I threw out earlier, because I failed to add yeast to the dough. I baked them anyway. Eating failed baked goods is a guilty pleasure every cook has experienced. You know how it is. Failed baked goods taste fantastic, but it would be too embarrassing to serve them.

Here is the part I’m machining. I’m using a 1/2″ carbide bit at 1200 RPM. I am now in the process of milling the opening out, using the side of the cutter. I have no idea how much 1045 steel I’m allowed to take in one pass, but 0.030″ doesn’t seem to bother the mill. The cut is 1.2″ deep.

I started at about 800 RPM, but the cutter seems to like 1200 better.

Here is the part I’m trying to copy. Dubious photography, but you get the idea.

More

I don’t know how they taste cold, but hot, they blow Cinnabons away.

More

The rolls are unbelievable. Ate one, threw out six. They were too dangerous to keep near me.

Atmosphere is Half of Fine Dining

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

Food Fumes Give me Visions

Mike has made a big difference in my life. He helped me learn how to make pizza and garlic rolls, and he also turned me on to the Popeil Showtime Rotisserie.

Right now I have a choice Winn-Dixie roast on the twin spits. I smeared it with butter, salt, and garlic, cut the ribs off, tied them back on, let it sit in the fridge for a day, and fired up the oven. The smell is indescribable.

The ideal side dish? A baked potato with sour cream. But being the thin person that I am, I’m going to have to have fairly small portions.

I’ve got the ingredients for cinnamon rolls made up, so I can smell those, too.

I could charge people to smell this house.

New Angle of Attack

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

Pizza has its Limits

I have been thinking of new ways to inject life into my church’s cafe. Yesterday it dawned on me: cinnamon rolls.

Check these out:

I made those some years ago. I believe I used a springform pan. They were better than any rolls I’ve bought, and I think it would be easy to make them in large quantities for church. The smell of cinnamon rolls baking should be a pretty good marketing tool.

I have to dig up my recipe, make some rolls, and see how good they are.

We should be able to get a dollar for each roll. I don’t think they cost a lot to make. Mostly flour. Pecans aren’t cheap, but you don’t need a whole lot of them.

There are some foods you just can’t buy, unless you’re willing to accept low quality. Pizza is an example. Cinnamon rolls make the list. I would also add honey-garlic chicken, which is a Cantonese dish consisting of chicken in batter, deep-fried and covered with a sauce made from citrus, honey, and garlic. I add habanero bits to my sauce, which makes all the difference in the world.

I have a little rib roast warming up on the counter. Since yesterday it has been absorbing butter, garlic, and salt. Should be a thing of beauty once it’s done. I think they could bottle the smell of the raw roast and sell it to women as perfume.

This may be a good day to price an AR10 in .308. I can’t just think about food all the time.

More Garlic Trouble

Monday, April 19th, 2010

My Dreams Smell Like This

I got a choice rib roast on sale at Winn-Dixie the other day. I’m planning to roast it tomorrow. I just took it out of the package to cut the ribs loose, salt it, apply garlic butter, and tie it back up.

I think I’m going to faint. The meat was just starting to get funky from sitting in the fridge. The butter…the garlic…I want my whole world to smell like this. AND I CAN’T HAVE ANY UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

This is inhumane.

Sad Prospects

Monday, April 19th, 2010

Get Off my Screen

Facebook ads want to know if I want to date “active seniors” and “women over 50.”

Think I’ll pass.

Natural Weapons and Spiritual Optics

Monday, April 19th, 2010

Decision Near?

The .308/.260 Remington puzzle seems to be unraveling.

I wanted a nice long-distance-capable semiautomatic rifle. The 6.5 Grendel looked good, but while it does well at long distances, it gives up some long-range punch in order to fit the AR15 platform. The .308 is a dandy choice, but other calibers do better at long ranges, and the recoil is bad. The .260 Remington looked really good, but the ammunition is expensive.

Last week I discovered that excellent .308 ammunition is cheap. That got me thinking. I can get a relatively short-barreled AR10 in .308, shoot it very accurately at my local range, which only goes to 100 yards, and put a .260 upper on it occasionally. And the .308 would be easier to carry, and if I ever got a chance to shoot pigs or deer, it would be a great choice.

So now I’m thinking about getting a .308 from DPMS. I considered other brands, but DPMS has a wonderful reputation for accuracy and reliability, and they don’t charge an arm and a leg.

This seems to be the smart choice, if I do this.

I saw a hilarious gun on the web today. A company called Knight Armament makes it. It’s an AR15-looking gun (“Stoner 16”) with a cool attachment under the handguard. The attachment is…a 12-gauge shotgun.

I’m serious. Here is a link.

I guess I don’t have to feel self-conscious about a laser and a flashlight now.

This is the craziest gun I’ve ever seen. It’s the gun equivalent of a double-necked guitar. It would be a great gun for a woman. Whenever they go anywhere, they like to pack everything they own.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get the Romak III working right. I have to reinstall the fire control group and fiddle with it. Red Star Arms does not answer emails about the fire control group they manufacture; something to think about before buying one.

The Romak is fun, but it’s a curiosity more than a practical weapon. The trigger that comes with it is complete garbage and will not permit accurate shooting. I don’t know how they manage to use it in battle. I guess they’re satisfied with 10 MOA shooting. It’s very popular with our enemies in Iraq, but then they probably can’t obtain guns that work correctly as manufactured.

If they took the trigger slap out of the trigger, the gun would be pretty good. But it ought to sell for $400. It looks like someone built it in his garage.

I got ripped off when I bought my specimen. They were selling for nearly $800. Now they can be had for $600. Cheap ammunition is still available, so the picture isn’t totally bleak.

If I had the decision to make all over again, I’d get a PTR91. Similar money, better performance.

I had a great experience last night. I asked for a scripture to read, and I felt like I should turn to 1 Peter. I went through it, making notes and underlining. It confirms so much of what I’ve come to believe, and what I’ve been taught. Prayer in the Spirit cleanses us and helps us behave. We are little portable embassies of the kingdom of heaven, living temporarily in a foreign land. The good things we receive, and even our good acts, come from God. Our contributions are relatively minor. And each of us is an essential and unique part of the machine that will change the world.

More and more, I feel the the Bible is being opened up to me. I believe this is a consequence of prolonged prayer in the Spirit. I’m not the only one who believes it. Perry Stone says it leads to revelation. He says he does it so much, people are amused by it.

The Bible yields its treasures, bit by bit, as we need them. Some things stay hidden, because the time is not right for us to understand them.

It’s a great relief, to be able to understand the Bible and see the pieces fit together. How many times have you been frustrated after reading a chapter? You make as much sense of it as you can, and you go on, figuring God will clear it up when the time comes. That’s better than not reading at all, but it can’t compare to getting divine insight as you go.

Twenty years ago, I knew prayer in tongues was a foundational gift. I knew it was the key to growth. But I wandered off and got lost. Too bad. I wonder what could have been.

I noticed something while reading a book Paul wrote. When he quotes scripture, sometimes he quotes several verses consecutively, even though they come from different parts of the Bible. I think this is something we are expected to be able to do. God stirred his word up, putting related parts in different places. It’s sort of like the Tower of Babel; he made it impossible for our natural minds to sort it out, because we were not ready for the knowledge. Now with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can take verses from different areas of the Bible and combine them so they work together and express God’s meaning. It’s like the valley of dry bones. The parts are spread out and jumbled up, but they can be reassembled and put to work. The Bible says, “Our bones are scattered at the grave’s mouth, as when one cutteth and cleaveth wood upon the earth” (Psalm 141). Like the verses of the Bible, or like Jacob’s descendants, we wait to be re-ordered and given new life by the Holy Spirit.

This is unrelated, but I had a funny thought last night while I was watching a drug commercial. I thought about depression, which can be caused by a spirit. It occurred to me that it was ironic that a foul spirit could wrap itself around you and whisper depressing things about your future. Who has a better future than a Christian, and who has a worse future than a foul spirit? They have no future. They’re going to burn while we laugh.

I think it might be a good idea to fight fire with fire. If you hear a little voice in your head, putting you down and telling you you’re not going to have a good future, open your mouth and say, “The Bible says I’m part of a royal priesthood. I’m going to live forever in God’s presence. You, on the other hand, are going to roast alive–screaming in agony–in front of your assembled enemies while we shout and high-five each other. No one can save you. I’M the one who should be depressed?”

Maybe it’s a bad move, but it’s a funny thought.

Jesus was tortured to death in front of his jeering enemies, and then he ascended to paradise and took his seat at the right hand of God, and now he has all power over every spirit. Demons, on the other hand, are going to be killed painfully in front of their enemies, and then they’re going to be gone, and they will be remembered as creation’s biggest failures. The parallel is obvious, but the end results are very different. Maybe God gave us the burnt sacrifices of the Temple so the smell would remind the fallen of their fate. Maybe the death ovens of the Nazis and the altars of Molech and the burning World Trade Center were Satan’s pathetic parodies of the burnt offerings. The same may be true of abortion mills.

Incidentally, I am starting to think the book of Amos predicted the Shoah, as well as the renewal of Israel and the Messianic Age. Amos talks of bald heads and piles of bodies. Remarkable.

Enough stuff for one morning. I should be making strawberry goop for cheesecake topping.

I am a Restaurant

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

TRIFECTA

I can’t believe how much I accomplished today. I managed to provide my church’s cafe with pizza, garlic rolls, and strawberry cheesecake, all made from scratch.

The Lord kicked in some needed assistance. I already had a sixteen-year-old working with me, and today another kid volunteered. One of my friends runs my prayer group, and he’s an armorbearer, and he’s in charge of all 700 of the church’s volunteers. His eleven-year-old son really wanted to learn how to make pizza, so I put him on the team.

Before half of the day was gone, these two were making pies from the ground up, except for some help with making dough. And I got them to roll out and tie garlic rolls, too. The biggest problem was slowing them down. We made more pies than we could use.

Now I’m enjoying one of the perks of seniority. I get to make other people do the crummiest jobs. But they take a lot of the fun out of it by volunteering for the crummy jobs before I can give the orders.

Church kids are amazing. They never seem to whine or say anything snotty. I did have a problem with them hiding in the refrigerator, but that was only because it was hot in the kitchen. They couldn’t take it. So they got out. You know how that works.

Berries are still very cheap, so I am planning to buy maybe thirty dollars’ worth, turn all of them into the base goo that holds berries onto the cheesecake, and freeze it. Later in the year, when berries are expensive, I’ll have this stuff to rely on. If necessary, I can use goo and no berries. It would still be very good, and it would be cheap.

Florida strawberries are much better than the ones we get from California. Maybe it’s because they aren’t picked green so they can make the long trip. The berries I bought for the cheesecake are nearly as good as wild strawberries, which is saying something.

I may switch over to flan, because cheesecake is expensive and hard to make. We had to charge $3.00 a slice, too. We can probably sell flan for $1.50 a slice and make more money.

We have been giving food away at the end of the night on Tuesdays, and as I feared, people have adopted a strategy of waiting for the free stuff instead of paying. So I’m going to try to put in a new policy: free food for volunteers only. Work in the cafe, or pay. It’s better to throw the food out than give it away to people who are trying to take advantage of the church. I don’t like the idea of throwing out food, but finding a way to get it to people who actually deserve it is impossible.

I am told that the pastor’s wife (also a pastor) wants to keep the cafe open on Tuesdays, which would be a change from the current policy, under which we close it during the service. Her son is in charge of the service, so the two of them will have to get together and make a decision, but it’s starting to look like Tuesdays might become viable again.

I made pizza for the lunch crowd Thursday before last, and I’m told they clamored for it last week. I need to get another student who can work on Thursdays. That means an adult. If God is in it, someone will show up.

Someone asked for the pizza recipe today. My response was that you have to work in the kitchen to get it. Some of these people need to get a little church spirit.

The sauce is better than ever. I improved it with my secret ingredient. It really makes a difference. There isn’t much I can do to make it better.

The rolls are a good idea. It costs around 50 cents to make a dozen, and we get $4.50 for an order that size. They’re also easier to make than pizza.

I had to buy a slice of cheesecake today. I brought an apple and some raw vegetables to keep me alive, but I have to fast tomorrow, and I figured I should indulge. My knees nearly buckled when I took the first bite. I love that stuff.

Now I’m sitting here thinking about it.

Food Fit for a Hieronymous Bosch Painting

Saturday, April 17th, 2010

He Also Makes Great Appliances

I was just reading about how Arizona has become the third state (after Alaska and Vermont) to allow concealed carry without a permit. Some whiner in the news article was moaning about how this would lead to accidental shootings involving people who had no training.

I would argue that being accidentally shot is better than being deliberately raped or murdered, unless the accidental shooting is really bad. When it comes to concealed weapons and accidental shootings, I think the leg is the usual victim.

It occurs to me that this would be a great opportunity to build a bridge between Second Amendment supporters and people who have an irrational fear of firearms. Here is something we agree on: people who handle guns should have training. So LET’S MAKE FIREARMS TRAINING COMPULSORY IN ALL OUR ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS.

The logic is inescapable. Now the folks with neurotic gun fears will be able to sleep easy at night. Or if not, at least the irrational fear that keeps them awake will be unrelated to guns. Maybe they’ll lie awake thinking every creak and crackle is Sarah Palin, sneaking into their houses in a moose costume, to force them to carry their unborn babies to term.

If we make our kids learn to shoot, the obvious danger is that one day America might be a crime-plagued hellhole like Switzerland. Or like America used to be, before gun control solved all of our problems.

Tomorrow at 7:30, I expect to be standing in my church’s kitchen, making pizza and garlic rolls while carrying a loaded pistol with night sights. This summer, I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to teach a bunch of Jesus-loving Jews to shoot. Where did my mother go wrong?

Dang, my life sounds pretty good when I write it up like that.

I have a cheesecake waiting in the fridge. I made it for the church’s cafe. I’d kill for a few slices, but unfortunately, they belong to to God. And you know what he says. “I am a jealous God.” This cheesecake gives that scripture new life.

This cheesecake is arguably more tempting and more dangerous than the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If Satan had had this cheesecake, he would not have had to go to the Garden of Eden to tempt the first people. Eve would have smelled it and followed her nose to hell and agreed to whatever terms he cared to name. In fact, instead of bargaining with him, she might have just beaten him to a pulp and taken it.

I am not sure human beings were ever intended to have anything this good. When earthly pleasures get sufficiently intense, they might dull people’s enthusiasm for paradise. If the stuff they have up there is better than my pizza and rolls and cheesecake, we should all hoped to get martyred as soon as possible so we can get our hands on it.

I bought about a gallon of peeled garlic tonight. I have four gallons of oil at church, plus parsley and lots of flour. I don’t know if I can pull off rolls and pizza on the same day, but I am game to try. Using the new mixer, I can crank out dough for 6 dozen rolls in a couple of minutes. Making rolls is not nearly as hard as making pizza. I might be able to do it, if I can get the pizza going efficiently enough. I will want to try my new trick of adding the yeast after mixing the dough, which complicates things. It will be worth it to hear the customers groaning in ecstasy.

My assistant should be there in the morning. If I can get him up to speed, this might work.

Garlic Won’t Leave me Alone

Friday, April 16th, 2010

More Progress

Forget everything I have told you about garlic rolls and do this.

INGREDIENTS

1 cup high-gluten flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon sugar
4 ounces water (roughly)
1 level teaspoon instant yeast
1 teaspoon juice from sour cream or yogurt or kefir or something similar

Scale this up if needed; it makes 6 rolls about the size of racquetballs.

Mix everything but the yeast. You want it a little sticky, but you should be able to handle it without much trouble. Don’t knead it.

Plop it into a bowl and cover it with foil. Let it sit for at least two days. Room temperature.

Fold the yeast in. Doesn’t have to be perfectly mixed, but do a good job. It’s okay if some grains of yeast hang off the dough.

Flatten into a 6″ by 9″ rectangle. Cut into 6 long strips. Pull a strip off, stretch it to a foot in length, double it, tie it in an overhand knot, and put it on a seasoned pan. Repeat.

Oil the rolls lightly (cheap olive oil) and let them rise (covered with something airtight) until they are as big as racquetballs. The rise may take 2-3 hours. Bake at 550. Takes about 6 minutes. Toss in a mixture of pureed garlic, cheap olive oil, salt, and parsley flakes. Lots of garlic; maybe a third as much garlic as oil, by volume.

This is very similar to the recipe I put up a day or two ago, but this time, the sour cream bacteria woke up and made it a little sour. I think you could actually make an acceptable starter with that stuff. The dough formed tiny blisters when it baked, and that made the rolls better.

The only ways I can think of to improve this are as follows: 1) fresh grated cheese, 2) pizza sauce for dipping, and 3) anchovy sauce for dipping. I don’t have a recipe for anchovy sauce. That one just came to me. But it would be good, wouldn’t it? Hmm…anchovies fried in oil, with garlic puree tossed in at the last minute and also fried. With mashed pine nuts. Maybe.

Mike and I were thinking it might be possible to speed up the rise by mashing the yeast up with a little water before mixing it in, but you might have trouble mixing it in, and you might lose the blisters. I don’t know.

These are tasty. Give them a shot.

Boy, do I smell.

The Shekinah Diet

Friday, April 16th, 2010

New Shorts

I went to Old Navy. Got four pairs of size 30 cargo shorts. I am not happy with the new belt I got at the Gap, and it’s too messed up to return, so I looked at belts. Found the perfect item marked down to $8.99. Size? “S.”

I am wearing the belt and a pair of the shorts now. This is fantastic.

Now all I have to do is settle on a garlic roll recipe, so I won’t have tempting test batches lying around.

I Will Guide Thee With Mine Eye

Friday, April 16th, 2010

Evangelism is Taunting

Christianity is an irrational offshoot of ancient Jewish tribal rituals, and none of it has any basis in fact. I hope everyone understands that. When God seems to do something in your life, it just means you’re primitive and superstitious, and you probably don’t even believe in proven concepts like Global Warming and Marxism.

But…

Yesterday, a blogger who befriended me years ago sent me an email, saying his life had been turned around. He had given up some harmful vices, and he was working on rebuilding his family, and he happened to see my blog and read about the changes in me, and he had questions for me.

I emailed three Christian friends with the news. It was pretty exciting. You know how wee-weed up superstitious people get.

One of those friends is a rep for the International Fellowship of Christians and Jews. She emailed me back and invited me to some IFCJ functions which will be taking place in DC in the month of May. It all happens during the week of the National Day of Prayer. She couldn’t guarantee me a seat at the IFCJ function that takes place on that day, but I would be able to go to an IFCJ dinner and visit the Holocaust Museum with them.

Hmm. Do I know anyone in DC? Anyone who has been drawing closer to God lately, and who might want to tag along during some of this stuff?

Only Mike. Only the oldest friend I have.

I got on Orbitz, figuring the flights would be insanely expensive. No, sorry. They’re practically paying people to fly to DC that week.

I got back in touch with my friend, and I mentioned Mike. She emailed me back, and she said she was “pretty sure” I would be able to get a seat at the prayer event, and that I would definitely be able to invite Mike to go to the dinner and the Holocaust Museum. He might even be given a seat at the prayer thing.

Okay.

Man, it’s amazing what God can do. Being imaginary and all. Global Warming is imaginary, and it can’t even drown a polar bear.

Here’s more fun. I checked Sondra K., and I happened to see this: some federal judge has decided that the National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. Oh, man! Good thing I haven’t booked that flight yet!

Obama is actually defending the National Day of Prayer. He may not go to church, but he knows voters go. I’ll be praying he resigns, but I do appreciate his effort.

More interesting news: college football players are about to be forbidden to put messages in their eye black. This is something I know almost nothing about, since I would rather eat tofu on Castro Street with a witch than watch football. Evidently, Christian players have been putting things like “EPH 2:8-10” on their eye black. The NCAA has decided to equate this with standing in the end zone doing dances simulating sexual domination of the opposing team.

It’s pretty much the same thing. Clearly. If you can’t see how a discreet expression of faith is bad sportsmanship and a form of taunting, I can’t hope to explain it to you. It’s one of those things you should understand automatically, like the need to be ashamed when you carry a Down Syndrome baby to term.

When are we going to stop treating Christianity like pornography? It’s amazing how hard we work to hide it. If you’re a homosexual, you’re supposed to be proud and march in parades. If you’re a Christian, you can’t even write it on your face. How did we get here?

We live in a country where public school lunchrooms are banning pork on account of a few Muslim students. I think we can make room for Bible eye black.

Maybe the NCAA is worried that the drunkenness and betting that drive football will suffer if fans are reminded of God’s existence during games. If it weren’t for beer and betting, there would be no such thing as a professional athlete. No one would be able to sit through a whole game, awake.

I wonder what Ephesians 2:8-10 says. Let’s see.

Ha! Check it out:

8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

The central message of Christianity. The thing that makes the gospel “good news.” I’m sure glad little children won’t have to see THAT on their TV screens any more.

I have to go do my Orbitz thing. I can’t believe this is happening.

More

More fodder for superstition: I told my dad I was going to DC, and he said he wanted to get me the ticket for my birthday.

COINCIDENCE!