Thanks in Advance

If any of you can direct me to good Christ-centered help with dealing with addicts, I would appreciate it. Books, websites, organizations…I want to learn all I can. Thank you.

Flea Confrontation

Give me your opinions on a vital issue.

You have a dog. You find flea bites on the dog’s butt. The dog’s butt is sore.

You have a flea-killing product called Advantix, but you have not been using it. It works like this: you put a drop on the dog once in a while, and it kills the fleas.

Would you:

A) Take your dog to the veterinarian and ask if medical science can cure his butt, regardless of cost?

B) Give the dog a flea dip, put Advantix on him, and see how his butt looks in a couple of days?

I think you will be able to predict my answer. I have a spider bite on my back, and it’s a big boily knot of a thing. I probably have a low-grade fever, and it may be the reason I got a kidney stone yesterday. I am not going to the doctor. God healed me of the kidney stone before I could get treatment, and I don’t care about the spider bite.

If I’m not deserving of a trip to the ICU, neither is a dog. That’s how I see it.

How Charismatic Christianity Looks From Inside

Today I got a comment from a longtime reader who is considering looking for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I thought I should write a few things, because I’m sure other people are curious.

There are a lot of people who claim the baptism and tongues are demonic. If that is the case, every believer in the New Testament who received the baptism was a demon-possessed heretic, because every Spirit-baptized believer in the New Testament spoke in tongues. Some spoke in earthly languages others recognized, for the purpose of glorifying God before potential converts, but others spoke words no one understood and which were never intended to be understood. This is clear from Paul’s writings.

If you don’t believe in charismatic Christianity but you read this blog and applaud the changes in my life, maybe you need to ask yourself why you’re enabling a heretic who may be on his way to hell. I have had the baptism for almost a quarter of a century, so if it’s a demon, he has had a long time to corrupt me and turn me into Satan’s tool. With that in mind, let me say this: BOO!

Prayer in tongues has been a big part of my life over the last couple of years. If you have been reading this blog for a long time, think about the difference between 2009 and 2005. Do I seem MORE evil now? Do I seem LESS free? Less happy? More tormented?

Please. If this is the devil’s doing, maybe he’s not such a bad guy. Surely you don’t believe that.

Back in the Eighties, I grew a lot in the Spirit. But I quit going to church, and I quit praying, both with my mind and in the Spirit. So I atrophied as a Christian. The result was a highly critical, angry person who wrote very funny but unproductive things. Over the last couple of years, I have spent more and more time praying in the Spirit, and I think the improvement in me is hard to miss. I did not do this myself. It offends me when people say I did, because whether they know it or not, they are tempting me to deny God. Christianity is not about changing yourself to make God happy. It’s about allowing God to change you. It’s 90% him and 10% you.

I don’t believe you will get a demon if you make a proper effort to get the Holy Ghost baptism. As I said in a comment, if Satan is powerful enough to do that to you, he is stronger than God. God requires us to do a lot of things, and he expects us to have a fair amount of knowledge, but every once in a while, you have to trust him and count on him to cut you a little slack. If you think he’s going to sit around and watch a demon jump into you while you beg in earnest for a gift that will help you serve him in humility and gratitude, I’m not sure why you think he would ever do anything good for you. What kind of God would he be, allowing himself to be tortured to death for us and then looking the other way as we filled ourselves with demons while begging for his help? Does that make sense to you?

You already have demons. Face it. If the Holy Spirit moves in, they will not get up and leave instantaneously. They will stay as long as they can and do whatever they can to hinder the Spirit. They may lead you to do stupid things while claiming the Holy Spirit is controlling you. This has happened to other Christians. It does not mean you got a demon at the moment of baptism.

A Spirit-filled believer is like Joshua and the Hebrews, just after they crossed into Israel. The land was full of heathen strongholds, just as a newly baptized believer has powerful spirits affecting his life. The Hebrews had to go forward, submitting to God and attacking the strongholds supernaturally as well as physically. You have to do the same thing. You are supposed to clear out every stronghold you can discern, leaving no room for a metaphorical Amalekite remnant to build back up, the way bacteria build back up in a wound that hasn’t been cleaned thoroughly. The more strongholds you break, the more you will resemble Jesus, both in power and in character. But you are going to make mistakes, and for some people, that means barking like a dog or even kicking another believer on stage and claiming God said it was okay.

As you progress, you will develop the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). This means you will have positive traits like self-control, kindness, patience, and love. You will develop the miraculous gifts of the Spirit, such as the ability to heal others or the ability to give with supernatural generosity, or the ability to learn hidden facts directly from God (1 Corinthians 12). You won’t get all of this stuff at once, and you won’t be like Superman, wandering around working miracle after miracle and reading people’s minds. But these things will begin to become apparent in your life. You need these things in order to succeed. The fruit of the Spirit will make you a good person in all respects; you can’t do this just by trying. The gifts will give you power when you need it.

Jesus walked in the gifts and the fruit of the Spirit. He worked no great miracles before he received the baptism of the Spirit. Afterward, he was different. He knew things about people, with no natural explanation. He healed people instantly. He walked on water. He had supernatural bravery. I know of no evidence that he prayed in tongues, but since the purpose of that gift is to build you up, I don’t see why he would have needed it. He was perfect. The rest of us are fixer-uppers, so we have tongues as one of the tools that help us grow.

If you want to see an obvious manifestation of the fruit of the Spirit, consider my problems with overeating. They’re gone. They disappeared in one day, along with some other behavioral problems. I’m sorry I don’t have something more dramatic to give you, but to me, this gift is priceless. No man on earth could have given me this. Not for a billion dollars. No one…NO one…has ever solved the problem of compulsive overeating. We cut people’s stomachs up. We suck fat out of them. We give them amphetamines. We put them on regimes that fail when their willpower gives out. But nobody can do what God did for me. It’s a completely legitimate miracle. I know it would be more impressive had I followed up by putting up a Youtube of me break-dancing on the surface of the swimming pool, but I have what I have, so make the most of it.

Oprah Winfrey is a billionaire, and she’s promoting a false messiah named Tolle, and she knows every diet guru on earth, and if that’s the best help she ever gets, she’s going to die overweight, not to mention single, childless, and unsatisfied. When a demon leaves, it tries to return, and if there isn’t a bigger, tougher spirit waiting to drive it back out, it will succeed (Matthew 3:23-28; Matthew 12:43-45). This is what the secular world calls “the Yo-Yo Effect,” and it defeats Oprah about once a year. If man had the answer to compulsive overeating, wouldn’t she be free by now? If not, how many more dollars does she need to spend? Millions aren’t enough. Will a trillion do it? Of course not.

My freedom cost me nothing.

As for spiritual gifts, I have seen at least two spirits, and I saw one of them very clearly, and I got a good long look at it. That is “discerning of spirits.” God has explained incomprehensible scriptures to me as I’ve read them; that happens every day (Acts 8:30-34). And I know I’ve received wisdom when I’ve asked for it. I wish I thought to pray for it more often! Wisdom is one of the gifts. I believe I’ve seen five of the nine spiritual gifts in my life. And I’m nothing special. Jesus said we would surpass him in our miraculous works; do you realize that? Look at the Bible and see (John 14:12).

I think I should add one more thing. The Spirit will help you get answers to prayer. One of the gifts is supernatural faith, and faith gets prayers answered. On top of that, a clean, righteous life will help get prayers answered. You’ll be more likely to ask for the right things, and you will be giving the enemy less power to oppose you. The enemy is like a rat or a roach. He feeds on the garbage we leave in ourselves, and he gains power from it. Remember the man Paul turned over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh? That was the result of bad behavior. God expressly approved of Satan’s efforts to harm that man, because the man needed the pain in order to be corrected. A better life means weaker enemies and more protection. See what I wrote about Joshua, above.

A month or two ago, I was driving along, praying about something, and a wave of faith hit me, and it was so strong, I grabbed the truck’s center console and held on, to keep from being blown over. The same thing happened to me again, while I was lying in bed. I dug my fingers into the mattress and clung to it like a climber trying to keep from being knocked off a mountain. Call me a heretic if you want. I think that’s a wonderful gift.

I have explained charismatic (or “Pentecostal”) Christianity as well as I could. Maybe I can’t make you want it, but perhaps after reading this you will at least be willing to tolerate it. At worst, you could spend some time praying God will free me from my heretic, white-trash, holy-rolling demons. I’ll take prayer no matter how it comes.

Into the Canal

I can’t believe how tricky pizza is.

I perfected my recipe last year or in 2007, I think. I was making pies that brought tears to my eyes. But I haven’t made an A+ pizza in a while.

It’s my own fault. I know perfectly well that the best cheese around here is at Costco, and today I made a small pie using frozen cheese instead. I think the frozen cheese is from Costco, but for some reason, after freezing, it cooks up like supermarket cheese. To make it work right, you have to stir a small amount of butter into it. I didn’t do that.

I have a new bag of cheese from Gordon Food Supply, but it’s not the same.

I should chuck this bag of cheese, plus my frozen cheese, into a canal. It offends me.

That butter trick is gold. Remember it.

Ammo Stacks Make Nice Furniture for Profiteers

Outdoor Marksman has Federal 9mm ammunition for $11.95, if you buy a scant 20 boxes. Not too bad. To me, ten bucks a box is reasonable. We are getting closer to that point. Sellier & Bellot is down to $13 per box at Natchez Shooters Supplies.

It seems like commodities prices aren’t the problem. Copper is getting more expensive, in spite of the bad worldwide economy, but ammunition prices keep dropping. That leads me to suspect that profiteering is the big problem. Obama created an artificial ammunition market by threatening our Constitutional rights, and the people who make and sell ammunition may have been cheating us since it began.

I know there has been a lot of profiteering, because only a fool would believe there was any market justification for a $30 box of FMJ 9mm rounds or a $50 box of primers. But can it really be that greed is responsible for most of the price increases? People are basically evil, but ordinarily, they exhibit some restraint, especially when bad behavior offends their customers.

The folks who tried to corner the market seem to be starting to bleed. I see GP11 480-round battle packs selling on Gunbroker for $259. That’s only $30 above the market price. And a search of completed auctions shows GP11 is not selling. Great. I’m all about capitalism, but cheating people in a time of national upheaval is wrong.

Let’s see what else I can learn.

Hornady 17 HMR V-Max is failing to sell, at $10/50. That’s good news. That would have been an okay price before the Obama crisis.

I’m checking 9mm prices. The prices are a shock to the conscience, and I haven’t found one lot that has sold.

I’m checking 7.62x54mm 7N1, and apart from some sucker paying $285 for a case, it’s not selling.

Maybe the vultures are finally getting caught with excess inventory, as they deserve. Who on earth would pay $15 for Sellier & Bellot? This stuff is one step above throwing rocks. I’ve never had any problems with it, but it’s among the cheapest factory ammo around.

Gunbroker is such a ripoff. It’s virtually useless.

In other news, I had an interesting thought this week. I was thinking about the strange freedom God has given me from overeating, and about my church’s request that I get involved in making food for their cafe.

Back when I was working on my cookbook, I had extraordinary luck with recipes. It seemed like one dish after another was a startling success. I made some stupid things that didn’t work, but I had bizarre victories. For example, I made my coconut flan recipe up in one try, with very little experience to go on. I don’t like baked beans all that much, but I put together a recipe so good, I couldn’t quit eating them.

I got fat, especially after I got pizza under control. I could not stop making and eating delicious food. I couldn’t take the weight off.

Then God took away the compulsion to overeat, and the weight started coming off by itself. I can even resist pizza. And suddenly, my church needed help with their kitchen.

We always want God to give us stuff, and I’m sure he wants to do it. But would he be a good god if he gave us things that hurt us? Of course not. If I had been asked to work in the cafe before I got power over what I ate, it would have been a real problem. There is no way I would have been able to resist stuffing myself. But now I can go in there and cook anything they want, and I know I won’t get fat.

I got the blessing, and I was spared the danger inherent in getting what you wish for. That’s a big deal.

It makes me think about other things I’ve wanted, as well as things other people have wanted. I look at these things and see how they could cause harm if they were suddenly dumped on us.

I strongly suspect that God changes people, through the Holy Spirit and miracles as well as through work and scripture, so that when they get what they want, it will only bless them. I think God is cleaning me up so the good things I want can come my way, without making me rebellious or proud or ungrateful or fat.

We are told that he will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 34), and that he only gives good gifts (Matthew).

I suppose, then, that if you want a thing, you have to want the power to avoid being harmed by it. If you want money or possessions, you have to want to be freed from greed and covetousness and selfishness. If you want power, you have to want compassion and generosity and gentleness. And if you want to cook for God, you have to want the ability to eat moderately. God doesn’t want to give us new idols or new masters. Doesn’t that sound plausible?

I’ve noticed that the less things control me, the more I enjoy them. I enjoy food a lot more, now that I’m not shoveling it down at every opportunity. I enjoy the things I own, now that they aren’t as exciting as they once were. I wonder what’s next.

The more you surrender, the more you win. That’s how it seems to work.

Maybe this is why many people who give to ministries and charities have little money. They overspend, they default on debts, they borrow at outrageous interest, and then they expect God to give them cash because they max out their credit cards to support missionaries and charities. How can God possibly repay them in kind, before he makes them fit vessels? Would you pour water into a reservoir with holes in it? And besides, what if these people gave money God never asked them to give, because they didn’t ask for his guidance? And if you give to a ministry while you cheat a creditor, whose money did you give? Not yours; that’s for sure. You stole from another person in order to give to God. Is he supposed to encourage that?

I think the charismatic “word of faith” crowd needs to think about these things. I don’t doubt that God wants to do stuff for us, but you shouldn’t ask him to be an enabler.

So once again, I have more to be grateful for than I realized. That’s the bottom line. If you can’t be grateful for discipline and instruction, you are utterly lost.

Can Prince be Far Behind?

My church gives out a daily devotional booklet every three months. Some of us actually read it, which goes to show you how gung-ho charismatics are. We may be wrong, but we will be on time for judgment, and we will bring food.

Today’s entry was kind of sad. It contained the bit about the Corinthian church (1 Corinthians 1):

26 For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: 27 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; 28 And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: 29 That no flesh should glory in his presence.

Some people think the part about “not many might, not many noble” and so on applies to the church as a whole. That is a terrible thing to consider. Think about all the smart, accomplished people you know. Can it really be true that a higher proportion of them are headed for hell, or at least for very lowly entrances into heaven?

It probably does. Let’s face it. Who turns to God and gives up home rule? People who are on top of the world? Not usually. It’s criminals. People with dysfunctional families. Cripples. Addicts. Like the 400 men who banded together with David in the cave of Adullam. People who do well tend to think they do it in their own strength and that they don’t need God. If you can give yourself up to God when things are going perfectly, you are way ahead of many of your brothers. Some have to get cancer or cry on the floor of a federal prison before they find the base of the altar. Some hit rock bottom, taking as much punishment as God is willing to inflict in order to wake them up, and still refuse to admit they’re wrong.

I wonder how well I fit into my church’s demographic. I know a lot of the people there are barely getting by. Many are not educated. I haven’t met any other lawyers (surprise). But I’ve met a cardiologist and a successful real estate broker.

It’s funny, but the gifts you have in the flesh, while useful to God, don’t correlate very well with your power as a Christian. I thought about this the other day while I was listening to Fred Stone. I enjoy him tremendously. He’s a simple guy. I don’t think he went to college. He’s as country as can be; he would be nearly interchangeable with any of my relatives from my grandfather’s generation. But when he gets a question about his walk, he has the answer, just about every time. Right on the money. If I knew him personally, I would be thrilled to have the chance to ask his advice about nearly anything. But I know a lot of professionals who don’t have enough sense to get out of bed.

The Holy Spirit gives people wisdom. There is no doubt about it. He may not give you a genius IQ, but he will tell you what you need to know, and he will tell you what other people need to know, too.

The hard thing to remember about earthly blessings like good looks, brilliance, talent, and wealth is that once you’re dead, they vanish. I don’t mean that you won’t be good-looking or smart in the afterlife. But other people will be just as gifted. People who aren’t much in this life will have everything you have now, and more. I try to keep that in mind when I deal with people who seem ordinary. I have a few remarkable gifts, but in the long term, they are no better than beads and trinkets. And people who have gifts I don’t have are in the same boat. So who will the beautiful people be in heaven? Must be those who had faith and obeyed in this life. Isn’t this necessarily part of what “the last shall be first” means?

I believe the afterlife will be like a high school reunion. The jocks will be pumping gas, the cheerleaders will be cashiers at KMart, and the nerds will be millionaires. Metaphorically.

I haven’t had any trouble fitting in at the church. I think God shapes his troops so they work together well. Also, the things we talk about don’t have much to do with education or worldly experience. We talk about things we’ve learned in our walks. We discuss God’s promises. We recommend books to each other. I can learn as much from a cab driver as I can from a biochemist. That is literally true. We’re not discussing quantum mechanics. Some of the best people to learn from are blue-collar workers.

If it’s true that a lot of upper- and upper-middle-class people will be left out, then I am even luckier than I already knew. I was smart enough to realize that my problems were really blessings, but in view of my background, it’s considerably more obvious. Had I come from a perfect family and had a perfect life, I would have seen no reason to involve God, and I would have entered the next life as a very confused and surprised beggar. And let’s not even discuss the blessings I would have missed in this life. What percentage of people get to have a close relationship with God and experience the supernatural on a daily basis? How many people know what it’s like to have God’s presence drop on them and surround them like a fog?

The world is full of people who run around claiming no one has seen proof God exists. What huge lie! I’ve seen proof, and so have a lot of other people. There aren’t many such people in relative terms, but in absolute terms, there are probably tens or hundreds of millions. God has given all sorts of signs. The problem is that people reject them because they don’t want to give up the illusion of control over their lives.

I think I just squeaked by. I think I dodged a bullet. Thank God I don’t have the guts or determination a successful unbeliever needs.

Attack!

I am really sorry for not posting this yesterday. I got caught up in cooking for the church, and I have had to work on family business, and it just got away from me.

You may recognize my name – “Kyle” from comments on your blog.

My sister in law Jade had a stroke this past Friday night. 33 years old.

It’s a freak thing caused by not cholesterol or blood clots or anything like that, but an odd flaw in a blood vessel. The vessel had multiple layers at one point just feeding into the jugular, so it was trapping blood and built up pressure until it burst. A fragment of the vessel was driven up the jugular into her brain.

She is in ICU and they are testing her respiration tonight to see if she is able to breathe on her own.

Also, the swelling is basically at its peak, and they are going to be taking her off sedatives to test her responses as thoroughly as possible to get a diagnosis as to where we stand.

Her left lobe was affected, so the right side of her body has been minimally responsive, although we’ve seen some decent movement a few times over the past two-three days.

Let’s show this illness what God can do in response to prayer.

God Freaks me Out Again

I was supposed to have dinner with my dad and my sister tonight, but it did not work out, and I had no backup plan. I decided to make myself a small pizza. I was worried, because back in August, I experienced a miraculous delivery from the compulsion to overeat, and pizza is something I have never been able to eat in moderation.

I ate three pieces and threw the rest out. Didn’t feel a thing.

Don’t ever try to tell me God is not real or that he does not deliver people from their problems. This is incredible.

In other news, I am losing my touch. Less salt and oregano, next time. And Costco cheese. This Gordon Food Supply cheese is very good, but Costco mozzarella is pure magic.

Chow Delivered

I just dumped a bunch of desserts off at church. I didn’t get to try a single one! All I got was a couple of tablespoons of batter and such. I hope the food is okay.

I don’t know if it was smart to make chocolate flan. I like it, but not everyone is crazy about the combination of chocolate and burned sugar, and in any case, it will look sad among the cheesecake, brownies, and coconut flan, which are all bona fide blockbusters.

They have decided to close the church’s cafe until January, because people will be out of town, and the place is dead. So I won’t have to cook on Monday. I have time to plot.

I still have to fix stuff this weekend. The cast of the Christmas play will need food again. Last week I made macaroni and cheese and chili. I’m not sure what to make this time. Maybe people familiar with my cookbook could recommend something. I was thinking maybe doro wat and rotis.

Rotis are kind of a pain to make. You have to roll them out on a dining table or something. You need a lot of room.

People are buying the book this month. As a Christmas gift, it’s a natural. Everyone knows some fat guy who cooks. I guess it will sell at Christmas time for the rest of my life, or until it becomes dated.

I’m pooped. Try making two flans and two batches of brownies in one day, while making goop and putting berries on top of a big cheesecake. I don’t plan to cook at home any more. It’s just too much aggravation. And of course, I left my pans at church again. I hope they don’t walk off.

People steal at church. If there is a faster ticket to hell, it’s hard to think of what it might be. If you think there is no God to punish you for stealing, why are you in the building?

I’m wiped out. This is what happens when you do work that doesn’t feel like work. You’re too caught up in enjoying it to realize you’re tired.

I have half a mind to make a pizza.

Hey, it’s for the glory of God.

Desserts

Busy morning today.

I have to finish the strawberry cheesecake I started making yesterday. The danged thing cracked on top, as always. I have no idea why that happens. I cooled it slowly, and I was careful not to overmix it. Doesn’t really matter; after one bite, no one cares what it looks like. They want to marry it.

I have to make two flans and some brownies. I may do two trays of brownies. That would be pretty easy.

Let’s see. Twenty-eight servings of flan and cheesecake. Forty-eight servings of brownies. That makes 76. There will be 125 guests. So 39 people (at least) will get nothing. More, if the women charge the table and grab multiple servings.

Oh well. We need a loaves-and-fishes moment, and supplying those is above my pay grade. Perhaps someone can pray to Obama and he can redistribute someone else’s desserts to us.

I think I may make lasagne for Monday. It’s easy and good. Not the best thing I make, but still, beyond reproach. It’s hard to make bad lasagne.

Calculating ingredient amounts will be hard. Okay, it will be impossible. I can probably come close, however.

Power is Already Rotting my Brain

I ran down to church to see what kind of help they needed in the cafe. The upshot is this: I will have dominion over a small arsenal of commercial cooking equipment every Monday from now on. Now no one is safe!

They have one other volunteer who can cook. The rest are grunts. I will break them and indoctrinate them and mold them into mindless culinary shock troops. You got to make de food first. Den when you get de food, you get de power. Den when you get de power, den you get de womengs. Oops, I’m channeling Scarface.

Okay, I take back “grunts.” I mean the rest are not ready to bring in recipes, plan meals, and cook stuff from start to finish. But they are nice people who want to do what they can to help, and I am lucky they are offering. And they will give me someone to blame if I screw up.

I had to look up “shock troops” just now. I realized I had no idea what it meant. It just sounded good.

If I understand the picture, it works like this: they have a certain number of items they can throw in the fryer and slap onto a plate without much effort. But they need a daily special and a couple of sides. About forty servings. I can handle that. I usually make twenty when I’m cooking just for myself. More or less.

They’re having some kind of function on Thursday, with 125 people in attendance. I had to demur on that. I’m sufficiently intimidated by a six-day lead and forty servings. I don’t need to deal with a giant crowd on two days’ notice. I would rather fail on a small scale.

They’re thinking of getting a pizza oven. They’re in real trouble if they do that. I am totally ready to be a pizza warlord. They want to get one of those jobs with a conveyor belt, which is fine by me. They seem to work great, with very limited attention.

I stopped by Gordon Food Supply on the way home and looked over the merchandise. They have boneless picnic hams for $1.55 a pound. That has potential. Big time. I can turn them into caja-china-style pork very easily, and I can crank out yuca and moros on the side. But I have to find out if the quality is there.

I could not resist getting some pizza sauce and cheese at GFS. I think I’ll donate it to the church and wangle an opportunity to make a couple of pies. If they go as planned, they will cement my position as chief principality and power of the kitchen. I could also make a calzone or two. Maybe a pan con lechon calzone. Man, those things are good. I wish I hadn’t thought of it.

I hit a normal store and picked up some stuff for cheesecake, brownies, and flan. I plan to bombard the Thursday function with desserts, since I can’t cover the main dishes. Coconut flan, brownies, chocolate flan, and strawberry cheesecake. I guess there won’t be enough for everyone. We’ll see how well their holiness holds up when they have to play musical cheesecake. This will be a test that would have humbled Job. The goats will feed, and the sheep will have to wait for their reward in heaven.

Here’s a thought. God delivered me from overeating in August. Now suddenly I have been asked to help run a restaurant. Could I have survived this a year ago? No way. It would have killed me. But now maybe it will work.

Coincidence? Another one of those remarkable coincidences that seem to happen EVERY SINGLE DAY when you’re a Christian?

Must be.

If I can have pizza stuff in the house without going Jabba in a week, I can do anything.

Stuff That Has Worked for Me

Yesterday I pointed out that I was going to launch a big prayer offensive this week. It’s nothing radical. I’m setting time aside every afternoon for concentrated prayer. I fasted yesterday, but I don’t plan to repeat that unless an angel appears between me and the TV and knocks the doughnut box off my belly.

I am already seeing results. I wish I could go into details about the problems besetting my family, but I think that’s a bad idea. I can say general things, though. I am suddenly seeing more peace and compassion and cooperation.

I don’t think modern Christians understand prayer very well. I am trying to learn how to do it right. I can tell you some things that have been helpful so far. I think they’re probably sound, but I am no expert.

First, the more time you spend praying in the Spirit, the better off you will be. We are supposed to have the fruit and gifts of the Spirit, and if I read the Bible correctly, prayer in tongues acts like a weight routine. It somehow magnifies the power of the Spirit within you, the way watering a plant every day makes the plant bigger. I believe the first psalm refers to this metaphorically. Lots of Old Testament stuff which had a literal or a primary symbolic meaning to the ancient Jews has a secondary and different symbolic meaning to Spirit-filled Christians.

My morning prayer routine was getting to be a little bit of a drag, but recently, I got an idea that helped a great deal. I absolutely hate jumping out of bed when the alarm goes off, even if I feel good and have things to look forward to. And once I’m up, I can’t manage more than 15 minutes of praying in the Spirit. But if I start as soon as the alarm goes off, without getting up, I can go 30 minutes, easy. And during that time, my body comes to grips with the fact that I have to get up. I also feel strengthened and energized (better than coffee). Then later, during my regular morning devotion, I can omit this part, making things easier.

This isn’t costing me anything, because I used to spend this time trying to convince myself to get up.

Second, when you have a problem you can’t shake, it’s a great idea to set aside time and seclude yourself and hit it with prayer until you feel a breakthrough. And this is what you’re supposed to do when you fast. Don’t sit around watching TV, thinking God will help you just because you’re hungry and miserable. When I fast, prayer is the last thing I want to do, and I think that’s because something that fears fasting is trying to get me to ruin the experience by failing to pray enough.

Third, don’t make yourself crazy declaring a long fast in advance. Instead, fast until you get your breakthrough, and then quit. I think I’m going to start taking this approach instead of going 36 hours or 60 hours or 84 hours, which is what happens when you skip entire days at the table. Dinner to breakfast is roughly half a day, and then breakfast to breakfast is a day, and that adds up to a day and a half. That’s a long time, and it only makes sense if the misery is accomplishing something. If you get where you need to be by 2 p.m., why suffer until the next morning?

Fourth, use a prayer list. Praying without a list is like doing a different workout every day. It’s a very bad idea. You should keep hitting the same targets over and over until you get somewhere. Jesus said, essentially, to keep pestering God until we got what we needed. He said we shouldn’t get into “vain repetitions,” but judging from the rest of the New Testament, he was not referring to praying repeatedly about the same thing. He probably meant we should not babble rote prayers as though they were magic spells, without connecting to God in the process.

Fifth, try to have time when you just talk to God, without asking for stuff. Just relax and socialize with him in a respectful way. This seems to be very helpful. You will find yourself concentrating more on him and less on needs. Prayer shouldn’t always be a chore.

Fred Stone says that when we are told to “pray without ceasing,” it means to talk to God throughout the day. That sounds believable to me. The more I do this, the less I have to worry about finding that I have been far from God’s addictive and satisfying presence for too long a time.

Sixth, spend time praising and thanking God. Praise is a strange requirement, and it may seem forced at first, but eventually, you will find you have an urge to do it.

I can’t swear I’m right about all this, but it’s working, so I don’t think I’m far wrong.

Ecce Porcus

If the subtitle is wrong, it’s no surprise. I got a “D” in Latin.

This is a momentous week. One of the pastors from my church contacted me last night. They have a cafe, and because of the bad economy, they had to let the chef go. Guess what they want me to do?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. My campaign of global food domination is finally launched!

They need some people to show up and cook, and they need recipes. I’m somewhat afraid I will kill half the congregation with arteriosclerosis, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

Mmmm…eggs.

All kinds of warped ideas are rolling around in my head. I have a few dishes that are so good they will bring people to church just for the food. Maybe I can get those onto the menu. If I can get Trinity Church to sell my cheesecake, flan, and pizza, I’m sure the people in the neighborhood will notice. There is no good cheesecake anywhere on earth, and good pizza is rare in Miami. Good flan is not that hard to find, but good COCONUT flan, which is what I make, is another matter.

The nice thing about desserts is that I could make them at home, at my convenience, and bring them in and leave them. You could sell a slice of my cheesecake for two bucks, and there are twelve slices in a cake. They could keep it in the fridge and bring out slices as needed. I don’t know if they’d make any money, but I’m sure they’d break even, and don’t even tell me the women in that neighborhood wouldn’t come back for more.

Oh, baby. Strawberry croissants. Maybe I finally have an excuse to use my recipe. Strawberry croissants and pain au chocolat.

I guess I would not be able to eat much of this stuff, but I would enjoy putting my curious gift to work for God. I am still losing fat, due to his generosity.

Because I cook Cuban food and Southern soul food, I know how to make a number of cheap but excellent dishes. That’s a blessing. I could make congri for pennies a pound. Maybe we could serve it with caja-china-style pernil, which is a pork butt roasted with mojo. I could brine it to take the stink out. It would be excellent, and you can get pork butts for a dollar a pound.

I wonder if they’d let me do ham hocks. I love ham hocks, but some black people have a thing about pork these days. “Slave food” and so on. Of course, most of the blacks at my church are from Haiti and the other islands, so maybe they haven’t gotten all stuck up about pork yet.

The church is putting on its three-part Christmas musical these days, so on Sunday, I brought food for the cast. Macaroni and cheese and my startling Unauthentic White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Chili. That’s what got me the call from the pastor.

This should be a blast. I better go meet with him.

Breathing is Nice

Take a deep breath. I’m considering taking the plunge. I may get myself…a DUST COLLECTOR.

The other day while I was doing something stupid on the web (which I no longer recall), I came across a dust attachment for my Dewalt planer. Not a real dust collector. More like a grass bag. Then I read up on dust some more, and I realized dust collection was something I could actually achieve, now that I can’t use the garage for parking. The added room makes it possible.

I have a table saw, planer, router, miter saws, and band saw. Dust generation is not a problem for me. I can fill a car trunk in a day if I put my mind to it. But I hate the post-fun vacuuming. Anything I can do to cut back would be good. The aggravation of cleanup makes me use the tools less, and that is unacceptable.

I keep letting credit-card points expire, and that’s bad. So I’m redeeming a bunch of them for gift certificates. I wish I could use them for a dust collector, but I can’t get a Delta, which is what I want.

I have to put a floor in my table saw so the dust will stop falling out of the bottom. Ironically, I’ll need a table saw in order to do this. I’ll have to cut the MDF I bought. I guess dust will have a couple more victories before I overcome it.

The drill press vise I ordered will be here this week. That will be fantastic. I’ll have everything I need to put the cross slide table and the vise on my drill press. That will get a fair amount of hardware out of my face.

What would you buy, if you had some Sears gift certificates? I think I should get out my book on putting together an amazing garage and see what I lack.

OOH! Worm-drive circular saw!

That’s a thought.

One of the Many Miracles of Beef

You know that potpourri stuff women like? It’s like a pile of dyed wood shavings that makes your house smell like a 50-year-old lap dancer? Forget that. Here is what you need.

Fix yourself a prime rib with lots of garlic. Then save the drippings in the freezer. When you finally get around to packaging them properly for storage, heat the whole mess in a big skillet.

Ahhhhhhhh…

That’s how everything should smell.