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Archive for the ‘Main’ Category

There is a Walrus in my Trailer

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

Somebody’s Ass is Gonna be in his Briefcase

Wilford Brimley wants you to check your blood sugar. ‘Cause it’s the right thing to do.

Biden = Moose in the Headlights

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

I Hope

Is this what we have to look forward to on Friday? I sure hope so.

Swing voters are too dumb to understand issues. They are about as bright as flatworms. I think they may actually have notochords. But they respect confidence and honesty. They’ll actually vote for strong people they like, even when it seems improbable because of the candidates’ positions. I cite Ronald Reagan. Sarah Palin has that same magic. I hope she can work it in spite of Gwen Ifill, who is moderating the debate even though her upcoming book will tank if Obama loses the election.

Consider me Your Surrogate

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

PR is my Bag, Baby

Somehow or another I ended up on a bunch of PR mailing lists. I keep deleting the emails and unsubscribing, but today I am tired and I think I’ll just go with it.

Here’s unbelievable news! Tell everyone you know!

While you may not expect film crews on shoe string budgets to be sipping Italian Pomegranate Sodas and noshing on Organic Whole Wheat Penne Rigate, it’s a different story for filmmakers competing in this year’s ELEVATE Film Festival, the film world’s fastest growing festival and the first ever filmmaking competition to challenge the international community to create works of social importance.

To support these filmmakers as they race against the clock to complete their entries for the Sunday, October 5 event at the 7,100 seat Nokia Theatre L.A. LIVE (where they just held the Emmys), organic food brand O Organics has banished the usual, junky film-set, food staples and the stocked the craft services tables with a mix of its delicious, USDA certified organic products. It’s the perfect fuel as the filmmakers complete projects ranging from a new music video for Black Eyed Peas star Apl to a documentary about Iraqi orphan children learning the lyrics to John Lennon’s “Imagine.”

Wow! They’re feeding hippie filmmakers overpriced, pretentious food and teaching Iraqi children atheism! GET ON BOARD!

I don’t understand why anyone would eat organic food. If pesticide kills worms and bugs inside apples, won’t it do the same thing inside me?

Here’s another big announcement, from: DIRECTORATE OF PUBLIC AFFAIRS, HEADQUARTERS, U.S. NORTHERN COMMAND, 250 VANDENBERG, STE B016, PETERSON AFB, CO 80914-3808 PHONE: (719) xxx-6889 DSN: xxx-6889!

PETERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Colo. — For the first time in its existence, U.S. Northern Command is gaining a dedicated force to respond to potential chemical, biological, radiological, nuclear and high-yield explosive (CBRNE) incidents in the homeland.

“We are now building the first of three CBRNE Consequence Management Forces,” said USNORTHCOM Commander Gen. Gene Renuart. “On the first of October, we’ll have an organized force, a trained force, an equipped force, a force that has adequate command and control and is on quick response – 48 hours – to head off to a large-scale nuclear, chemical, biological event that might require Department of Defense support.”

I know you were dying to know what was going on at…let me look again…U.S. NORTHERN COMMAND, at PETERSON AIR FORCE BASE. Ordinarily, I only take orders from General Ripper, over at Burpelson. Even then, I deny him my essence.

When did the military start doing press releases? I thought they relied on bloggers to correct the demented lies of the left. Shouldn’t President Bush be telling us this stuff on TV? Anyway, it’s great news. I guess. I don’t really know. Hooray?

Here’s one, from some guy named Mike:

Join bloggers from around the country in Defending the American Dream!

We would like to extend you an invitation and offer you a Press Pass to the 2nd annual Defending the American Dream Summit sponsored by Americans for Prosperity on Friday October 10th and Saturday October 11th at the Marriott Crystal Gateway Hotel in Arlington, VA.

As a member of the press, you would receive access to the event—which includes free meals—as well as access to the Bloggers’ Row. To obtain your press credential, please e-mail NewMedia@xxx.org

Free meals! Apparently they read up on me before they sent this. But unless the meals are worth about $250 each, I am pretty sure I will take a loss on this trip. It says Ed Meese and George Will are going to be there; I have a feeling about those two; they look like they’d get to the buffet first and hog all the good stuff. And since I have no idea what Americans for Prosperity is, I am not all that inclined to go.

When did I become a member of the press? I don’t recall turning stupid, lazy, liberal, and dishonest. Is someone supposed to be paying me to do this? If so, the system is not working.

I got some kind of cheesy “unsubscribe” email, purportedly from ABC News, but it was sent from lucie-orrecnec@PAGINAS-AMARILLAS.ES. Should I be SUSPICIOUS at all? I know Pajamas Media works out of Barcelona (i.e. some guy at an Internet cafe), but I’m fairly sure ABC is based in New York.

Here’s part of a great release from ITAMedia, regarding the tanning bed they claim Sarah Palin has up in Juneau:

While partisan bloggers and the sun scare industry will use this as an opportunity to undermine Gov. Palin and demonize the indoor tanning industry, the fact is that Governor Palin’s decision to get UV light from a tanning bed positively impacts her health.

“Moderate amounts of indoor tanning allow Governor Palin to experience the many health benefits that come with exposure to UV light,” said Dan Humiston, President of the Indoor Tanning Association and candidate for United States Congress (R-NY27). “Especially in dreary northern locations like Alaska, indoor tanning can help guard against wintertime depression and ward off diseases associated with vitamin D deficiency.”

You know what this means? That nut who did the nude painting of Governor Palin got it right. NO TAN LINES. Can Joe Biden say the same? You can probably get a tan from the blue glow of his bleached teeth. Somebody needs to put a Geiger counter in his mouth. He should go to work for these people. I can already hear his 527 ad: “Hi, I’m Joe Biden, and I’m here to give a PLUG to the tanning industry.”

I can’t believe the tanning industry has its own Congressional candidate. And that it’s not George Hamilton. Shouldn’t John Kerry be in their pocket? Oh, wait. He doesn’t tan. He merely paints himself orange.

Send me more press releases, PR people. This is why I started blogging. Obviously.

THE END OF THE WORLD IS HERE

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

They can Take my Freedom, but They’ll Never Get my Cheese Tots

I was not entirely pessimistic about the economic crisis until I got an email from John McCain’s campaign, in which he said this:

If we do nothing, many businesses may fail. Sonic Corporation, a drive-in restaurant chain based in Oklahoma, learned on Thursday that one of its lenders, GE Capital, had stopped extending new loans to the chain’s franchisees. That will block plans to rebuild restaurants, add equipment and open new locations.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Not Sonic! This can’t be happening! Have you BEEN to Sonic? It’s exactly the kind of drive-in I would design! Foot-long hot dogs! Huge, sugary slush drinks! Cheese tots! Grease, grease, GREASE!

If we can’t build more Sonics, I might as well give up and move to China.

Mmm…egg rolls.

Kinnock on the Half Shell

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

I Can Plagiarize, Too

I was upset because some boob created a nude painting of Sarah Palin, while neglecting poor old Joe Biden.

So:

botticelli.biden%20web.jpg

Again, I Prove no One in Miami Can do Anything Right

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

I See a Book in This

I had to drive out to various stores to try to save my lime tree, and of course, I got virtually no useful input and no helpful products. But while I was out there, I had Rush Limbaugh on the radio, and I heard some amusing things.

It looks like Rush has finally discovered blogs. My guess? Laziness has struck. The MSM steals from blogs all the time and fails to give credit. At least Rush tried. He mentioned Glenn Reynolds and referred to him as the owner of a blog called…Little Green Footballs! That gave me a laugh. It’s not that far from the truth, given PJM’s incestuous contortions. Then he mentioned Wizbang and managed to get the name of the proprietor right.

He’ll never mention me, no matter what I write. Not if he has any idea that I lampooned him at Huffington’s Toast and in one of my books. The man is not known for his ability to laugh at himself. Oh, well.

Interesting item: World Vision is having an international day of prayer tomorrow. I read that, and I figured it must be part of a bigger effort involving other organizations, but it’s not. It’s weird. There are a bunch of different International Days of Prayer. Anyway, thought you might want to know.

Leah Friedman is recovering from surgery, and apparently she’ll be in pain for about a month. Mish Weiss is starting her bone marrow transplant procedures. If you want to warm up for the day of prayer, that information may be helpful.

Obama Kisses the Canvas

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Are Voters Smart Enough to Notice?

Not only did McCain win tonight’s debate; he managed to convince me he could actually be a good President. I hate to say it, because he irritated me with his disloyalty in the past, and McCain-Feingold was just plain stupid. But he was magnificent.

He turned Obama’s strategy against him. Obama knew McCain was a hothead, so he planned to make him angry. He couldn’t do it, but McCain made him furious. In nearly every answer, McCain managed to toss Obama a grenade, and they all blew up. I loved the shots of Obama, fuming and sweating as McCain talked. He actually turned grey when McCain made him mad, so it was obvious when McCain got his goat.

The TV heads are saying there was no embarrassing soundbite for Obama; they apparently didn’t hear him squeal, “I, too, have a bracelet!” And as for McCain zingers, who will ever forget, “I don’t even have a seal, yet”?

Obama tried to make eye contact with McCain in order to annoy him, but McCain was all business, looking down at his podium and smiling as he wrote notes. That’s self-discipline. Something ex-military men have and community organizers don’t. After a while, Obama looked silly, continuing to work the tactic long after it was obviously that it wasn’t succeeding.

Here’s the thing no one seems to be saying: tonight a guy who graduated very close to the bottom of his class at the Naval Academy out-talked a Harvard lawyer. As an attorney, I can tell you, Obama was horrible. Debating is persuasive speech; it’s what lawyers do. Obama should be a champ. But McCain batted him around like a shuttlecock. McCain made Obama fight McCain’s fight.

I have to say, McCain is very sharp for his age. He was quicker and more focused than Obama.

I don’t know if the public will think McCain won. Swing voters are truly stupid. They might vote for Obama because they liked his tie. But I think he did great.

“I, Too, Have a Bracelet”

Friday, September 26th, 2008

“Teleprompter! HELLLLP!”

I did not realize what a truly foolish and arrogant person Obama was until tonight. McCain is pushing his buttons effortlessly, and Obama is clearly infuriated, because it has probably been five years since anyone had the sand to contradict The One to his face.

MAN, this is good. I hate debates, but I’m glad I watched this one.

More

This is weird. Obama turns grey when he gets mad. Which is like every two minutes.

Another money quote: “I don’t even have a seal yet.”

Go home, Barack. You are not helping yourself. I can’t believe you insisted on having this debate tonight.

BREAKING NEWS: McCain Finds Debate Pinch-Hitter

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Go Look

Come on, pretend I fooled you. It’s worth it.

Alcee Who?

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

Palin Alleged to Shoot Joose as Well as Moose

People are asking about Alcee Hastings, the Florida Congressman who says Sarah Palin will treat Jews and blacks like the moose she shoots and butchers. Never mind the increasing anti-Semitism of the left. Never mind the fervent support conservative Christians give the Jews and Israel. Never mind the praise Jewish leaders have heaped on Palin.

Hastings is an impeached federal judge. It’s very tough for a federal judge to get in trouble of any kind, but Hastings managed to offend Congress so badly they pulled his ticket. He was impeached for bribery, but he was acquitted in his criminal trial. He turned around and ran for office and won. He’s like the Al Sharpton of judges.

Clinton Aide/Obama Advisor at Root of Financial Crisis

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008

Wake up, Mainstream Media

How come we hear so little about the fact that Democrats are primarily responsible for the financial crisis which is weakening our country? Ignorant voters tend to respond to economic problems by swinging left. They need to know that swinging left is the main cause of this debacle.

Funny, because over the past 8 years, those who tried to fix Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac — the trigger for today’s widespread global financial meltdown — were stymied repeatedly by congressional Democrats.

More here.

Socialism is a dangerous remedy. It exacerbates the problems it purports to cure. So you get more socialism. Then more problems. Eventually, your economy tanks. By then, you may have lost so much freedom, it’s impossible to fix things by restoring capitalism.

Franklin Raines…Franklin Raines…Franklin Raines. That should be our mantra until election day.

Is it Just Me, Or…

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008

…Are These Guys Sharing a Bottle of L’Oreal?

Look.

Loser & Associates

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

Saga of a Failed Jedi Mind Trick

I’ll tell you something crazy. There are blogs I don’t read, just because their names turn me off. I can’t explain it. It’s no reflection on the blogs. It’s just one of my quirks.

One example: The Jawa Report. When I see that name, a little voice from down in my brainstem says, “STAR WARS NERDS: AVOID.” Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I picture an adult male who owns an Ewok suit.

But today I went to The Jawa Report anyway, because Sondra linked to it. There’s a pretty wild piece of Citizen Journalism there. If the piece is correct, some goof from a famous PR firm–Winner & Associates–has been posting illegal videos to harm Sarah Palin, and he wasn’t even smart enough to use a fake email address. And Kos and DU helped.

This ranks right up there with the Dan Rather phony memo thing, but it’s more complex. Get a fresh mug of coffee and turn off your phone’s ringer before you read it.

What is it with Sarah Palin? Why do people hate her so much? I shudder to say this, but PDS makes BDS seem insignificant. It’s like I keep saying: Obama is running against Palin, not McCain. She scares the hell out of the opposition.

It’s just an ELECTION, people. She’s not Darth Palin, to refer to Star Wars yet again. She’s not orbiting the earth in a Death Snow Machine, preparing to shoot abortion providers from space with her moose rifle. Get a grip, liberals. If Joe Biden disturbed me as much as Sarah Palin disturbs you, I’d be shopping for a suicide belt. I admit, I’ve entertained the thought of suicide while listening to him speak, but that’s different.

She’s not even running for President. Let’s be real, here. If McCain wins, she’ll spend the next eight years flying to funerals and hiding from terrorists in various undisclosed locations. You act like she was going to drive around the country, holding liberals down and forcing them to eat meat and carry their children to term. Why are you so edgy? Is there a marijuana shortage I haven’t heard about?

I’m feeling dehumanized, here. As a conservative, I mean. How about the rest of you? Anyone feel demonized? Look how they hate us. This is how the left treats people about ten years before they take over and the firing squads assemble. What’s next? Kristallnacht II, sponsored by Apple and Birkenstock? Thank God I live in Florida and I still have time to buy a rural compound. I better get started, sewing yellow crosses on all my T-shirts.

I congratulate…the Jawa person (?)…on this wonderful blog post. This is the kind of thing that nearly justifies the existence of the Blogosphere.

Dolphins Win, Apocalypse Draws Nigh

Sunday, September 21st, 2008

My Eyes Deceive Me

I’m having a nice Sabbath. Took a few hours out to go to Man Camp and watch the Dolphins…WIN? Very confusing. Is that supposed to happen? Must be a great day for them. They probably felt like they would never win again.

I couldn’t resist taking a few minutes to see if my plan to remove the last concrete slug from the yard had worked. I hooked up the chain and took off. Problem: the epoxy had not set up. I must have mixed it badly. The slug moved about three inches before the rebar popped out. One leg popped out right away, but the second one held out longer, and the crook in the rebar kept the chain attached.

The rebar was asymmetrical after it came out; one leg was longer than the other. I ground a few inches off the long end, hit the other end with a MAPP torch to get the bulk of the epoxy residue off, cleaned up the holes with the hammer drill, vacuumed out the debris, mixed more epoxy, put it in the holes, and re-inserted the rebar.

Should be ready to yank tomorrow. This method works. You just have to do it right. I also took a mattock and dug out some dirt on the chain side of the slug. That will help it come out.

I shouldn’t have taken time to fool with this on the Sabbath. Temptation overcame me. But I’m back.

One fun thing about Man Camp is that Pat, who lives next door to Val, always has a new toy to look at. Two weeks ago, it was a camper and a pickup. This week, it was a scooter. Someone sold him a reasonably nice one for $200. I took it for a spin. When the speedometer hit 65, I got a little nervous. Then I realized it was 65 kilometers per hour.

I’m not a green freak, but I think scooters are a good idea for people who live close to the places where they run errands.

Scooters are strange. You don’t do anything with your feet, so all your motorcycle instincts get screwed up. I told Pat to get himself to MSF class (Motorcycle Safety Foundation). You may think you don’t need training to ride a scooter safely, but that’s not true. It’s a small motorcycle. The same problems apply, and you can’t learn how to avoid them from experience. Some of the safety stuff is not intuitive. Someone has to teach you.

I told Pat he needed a helmet and gloves. Val thought I was nuts. Riding a bike without a helmet is pretty safe, because bikes are much more maneuverable, and you don’t ride in traffic, and you don’t go as fast. But you need one on a scooter. As for gloves, what do you do when you fall off a motorcycle? You put your hands down. At anything over five miles per hour, that means kiss your palms goodbye.

I think a scooter would be a great thing to have, for grocery missions and so on. But I don’t have Pat’s knack for finding cheap used stuff. Oh well.

Sandra Bernhard Respects Black Men

Friday, September 19th, 2008

That’s Why she Expects Them to Rape on Command

Yesterday, I asked a fellow blogger if she could think of any more rotten things the left could do to Sarah Palin. I was being sarcastic. My point was that leftists had been so creative and so cruel, it was hard to think of anything new for them to do.

Wow, was I wrong.

They accused her of pretending her daughter’s baby was hers. They said she should have stayed home having babies, instead of governing a state. They compared her to the political-machine stooge (close kin to a community organizer) who had Jesus scourged and delivered Him up for crucifixion. Then they hacked into her email account, and leftist blogs put the emails on display, claiming they were “legitimate news.”

Now we learn that Sanda Bernhard is publicly joking about Governor Palin being gang-raped by Bernhard’s “big black brothers.” And people are paying to hear this crap. Not many; it looks like she’s appearing in one of those clubs that used to be a Pack-n-Ship or a Mrs. Field’s, but still.

What do you say about a “joke” like this? It makes me think of all the over-the-top jokes I’ve made, which makes me want to crawl into a hole. I hope I am not as culpable as Ms. Bernhard.

What is the point of making a joke like this? What merit is there in the joke, that justifies putting that horrible image in our minds, and in the minds of Governor Palin’s kids? What will we joke about next? Raping children? Auschwitz?

What exactly did Sarah Palin do, to deserve the treatment she has received from the left? She accepted an invitation to run for public office. That’s her crime. She didn’t shoot up a day care center. She didn’t bomb the World Trade Center. She didn’t–let me pull an example out of a hat–bomb the Pentagon, publicly confess it, and state that she wished she had done more. She didn’t steal documents from the National Archives. She didn’t commit perjury and get disbarred. She didn’t con the government out of hundreds of thousands of dollars for a bogus land deal in Arkansas. She didn’t encourage Los Angeles residents to riot, shouting “No justice, no peace!” She didn’t hit a security officer on her way into the Capitol. She wasn’t involved in the first and only real “Troopergate.” She didn’t hide $90,000 in bribe money in her freezer. She didn’t steal furniture from the White House, or vandalize it before a new administration moved in. She just answered the call, when her party and her country needed her.

It’s a wonder anyone is willing to run for office as a Republican. Look at the treatment our candidates and politicians get. If the kooks don’t get you, unethical prosecutors will. And the press will turn a blind eye, and sometimes, they’ll aid in the persecution.

What an education her kids are getting. Liberals present themselves as warm and loving people who care about all the trees and bunnies, and who protect the downtrodden from mean old Republicans, who want to return to the feudal system. But there is nothing warm and loving about the way liberals are treating Sarah Palin. It’s no exaggeration to say they display more hatred for her than they do for Osama bin Laden.

Governor Palin’s treatment is an ominous reminder of the way the hard left wishes to treat those who disagree with it. It reminds us that killing fields and gulags can happen here, too. If Bill Ayers were in charge, we would have had those things forty years ago. And it looks like Sandra Bernhard would approve.

What ever happened to perspective? When did Americans decide that the need to win an election justified this kind of vile behavior?

Another question: what does Sandra Bernhard think of black men? It seems pretty obvious. She thinks they gang-rape people for trivial reasons. I’m trying to think of a more depraved example of racism, but I’m drawing a blank. This is a person who feels solidarity with blacks? She cares about them and respects them and empathizes with them, but she thinks she can count on them to rape a visiting governor. Black people should rejoice, having a friend who thinks so highly of them. I wonder what the Obamas thought of her remarks.

I already hoped Sarah Palin would win, because I support her politically. But now I hope she wins because her enemies are so vicious. I don’t want to see them rewarded.

I wonder if we can make it to Monday without a new story about someone sliming or threatening or mistreating Sarah Palin. I hope so, but I wouldn’t bet my lunch money on it.